twissblog

NEW YORK–moments after announcing the appointments of Nikki Haley, Betsy DeVos, and Ben Carson to his cabinet, Donald Trump turned back to journalists and said “wow, thank God we’re done with those.”

Elaborating in response to a question nobody asked, Trump explained that “people were criticizing us for only appointing white men, so I asked the transition team to find some posts I didn’t care about and pick some ladies or blacks to shut ’em up.”

When asked whether the Departments of Education and HUD, and the United Nations, should be posts no one cared about, Trump burst into laughter. “Good one!” he said, high-fiving the reporter who asked.

“But seriously,” he continued, “we’re done now, right? I don’t have to do any more ladies, right?”

At press time, Trump was apparently devising an obstacle course to help select the next Secretary of Defense. “If you can get through the Slime Warrior Run, you’ll be perfect to manage our military,” he explained.

NEW YORK–after months of announcing that he would never settle the lawsuits around Trump University, President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that he would, in fact, settle for $25m.

“I’m disappointed not to be able to take our strong case to trial, but I won’t have time as President to fight the lawsuit,” said Trump. “In addition, I don’t want any distractions from our exciting new doctoral program that starts in January.”

Trump said that the university would begin offering PhDs in biomechanical engineering and aerodynamics. “As part of making America great again, we need to double-down on STEM, and Trump University is going to be part of the solution,” he explained.

There was some skepticism from accrediting bodies, who noted that no new faculty were being hired, meaning that the doctoral program would be taught by the former real-estate seminar leaders.

“How hard can it be?” asked Trump. “It’s not rocket science. Except for the aerodynamics one, I mean.”

NEW YORK–The Trump transition team endured another rocky day today, with further reports of infighting, paperwork problems and no new appointments to announce.

“The basic problem is that there just are just not that many white supremacists with experience running large government departments,” explained Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence, who is leading the transition effort after previous head Chris Christie was sent on an important mission to pick up some Arby’s.

“For example,” said Pence,”to lead the Department of Transportation, you’d really like someone with experience overseeing major infrastructure projects, leading several thousand people, and controlling a multi-billion-dollar budget. But people with those resumes generally don’t understand how to stoke a race riot or the basic categories of racial purity that we’re looking for.”

On the bright side, Pence noted that there were plenty of strong candidates for the Department of Making Angry Hand-Painted Signs and the Bureau of Shooting Cans in the Woods.

NEW YORK–after a four-month hiatus, Twissblog has resumed a regular publishing schedule, a press release confirmed today.

“As our millions of loyal readers were all too aware, Twissblog had a much-reduced schedule during the presidential campaign,” said Deputy Head of Publishing Interruptions, Christine Billings. “The reason, as everyone knows, is that we were trying to maintain our eligibility for senior appointments in a Gary Johnson administration. But the surprising election results mean that we have nowhere else to take our radical libertarian tendencies.”

Billings, who was reportedly in line for Secretary of the Interior, added “the silver lining is, of course, the massive profitability of political humor blogging.”

David Abbotsford, the Associate Vice President for Weekday selection, said that the blog would resume publication on its normal tight schedule of “every few days or so.”