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Trump disputes his own election victory

27 Nov

NEW YORK–a visibly angry Donald Trump today demanded a full recount of the November presidential election “in all 55 states,” saying that his margin of victory had been badly underestimated.

“My numbers show that I defeated Hillary Clinton by more than one hundred million votes,” said Trump at an impromptu press conference. “They also show that I won more electoral votes than anyone else in history, and also that I placed first in the all-around women’s gymnastics in Rio.”

The Federal Election Commission, caught off-guard, released a statement later in the day denying the existence of Trump’s extra four states, which included North Idaho, Central Texas, West America, and Eastern West Virginia.

“The whole system is rigged,” said Trump, deftly executing a back handspring down the escalator at Trump Tower.

Trump appoints two women and one African-American to cabinet; “thank God that’s over with”

24 Nov

NEW YORK–moments after announcing the appointments of Nikki Haley, Betsy DeVos, and Ben Carson to his cabinet, Donald Trump turned back to journalists and said “wow, thank God we’re done with those.”

Elaborating in response to a question nobody asked, Trump explained that “people were criticizing us for only appointing white men, so I asked the transition team to find some posts I didn’t care about and pick some ladies or blacks to shut ’em up.”

When asked whether the Departments of Education and HUD, and the United Nations, should be posts no one cared about, Trump burst into laughter. “Good one!” he said, high-fiving the reporter who asked.

“But seriously,” he continued, “we’re done now, right? I don’t have to do any more ladies, right?”

At press time, Trump was apparently devising an obstacle course to help select the next Secretary of Defense. “If you can get through the Slime Warrior Run, you’ll be perfect to manage our military,” he explained.

Trump University settles lawsuits; will start offering PhDs in engineering

19 Nov

NEW YORK–after months of announcing that he would never settle the lawsuits around Trump University, President-Elect Donald Trump announced today that he would, in fact, settle for $25m.

“I’m disappointed not to be able to take our strong case to trial, but I won’t have time as President to fight the lawsuit,” said Trump. “In addition, I don’t want any distractions from our exciting new doctoral program that starts in January.”

Trump said that the university would begin offering PhDs in biomechanical engineering and aerodynamics. “As part of making America great again, we need to double-down on STEM, and Trump University is going to be part of the solution,” he explained.

There was some skepticism from accrediting bodies, who noted that no new faculty were being hired, meaning that the doctoral program would be taught by the former real-estate seminar leaders.

“How hard can it be?” asked Trump. “It’s not rocket science. Except for the aerodynamics one, I mean.”

Mike Pence reports difficulty finding enough qualified white supremacists to lead government

16 Nov

NEW YORK–The Trump transition team endured another rocky day today, with further reports of infighting, paperwork problems and no new appointments to announce.

“The basic problem is that there just are just not that many white supremacists with experience running large government departments,” explained Vice-President-Elect Mike Pence, who is leading the transition effort after previous head Chris Christie was sent on an important mission to pick up some Arby’s.

“For example,” said Pence,”to lead the Department of Transportation, you’d really like someone with experience overseeing major infrastructure projects, leading several thousand people, and controlling a multi-billion-dollar budget. But people with those resumes generally don’t understand how to stoke a race riot or the basic categories of racial purity that we’re looking for.”

On the bright side, Pence noted that there were plenty of strong candidates for the Department of Making Angry Hand-Painted Signs and the Bureau of Shooting Cans in the Woods.

Chris Christie promoted from head of Trump transition team to Special Advisor Without Portfolio

12 Nov

NEW YORK–Chris Christie’s rapid political ascent continued today with the news that Donald Trump was promoting him from head of the transition team to “Special Advisor,” a post created especially for him.

“As Special Advisor to Donald Trump, I’ll have some of the most important responsibilities in his administration,” said Christie. “For example, I will be responsible for washing the team’s uniforms at home and bringing them back to school. Also, I’ll be in charge of keeping the locker room nice and tidy.”

President-Elect Trump called Chris Christie on Friday afternoon to give him the good news. “Chris, you’ve done such a good job running the transition team, that I want you to stop doing it,” he reportedly said. “I’m going to need you for the big stuff now, like handing out the little cartons of milk at lunchtime, and choosing the order to wake everyone up from nap time.”

Experts agreed that the promotion took Christie to even greater levels. “We’re really in uncharted territory here,” said Suzanne Baldrich, Professor of Made-Up Jobs at the University of Idaho. “Special advisor could mean anything, and Christie’s responsibilities just seem to keep growing. Just this morning we heard that he would be in charge of counting off the Cabinet when they come back in from recess and making sure everyone is there.”

Christie, shown here making sure that everyone is lined up straight before heading to lunch

Twissblog comes back on line

12 Nov

NEW YORK–after a four-month hiatus, Twissblog has resumed a regular publishing schedule, a press release confirmed today.

“As our millions of loyal readers were all too aware, Twissblog had a much-reduced schedule during the presidential campaign,” said Deputy Head of Publishing Interruptions, Christine Billings. “The reason, as everyone knows, is that we were trying to maintain our eligibility for senior appointments in a Gary Johnson administration. But the surprising election results mean that we have nowhere else to take our radical libertarian tendencies.”

Billings, who was reportedly in line for Secretary of the Interior, added “the silver lining is, of course, the massive profitability of political humor blogging.”

David Abbotsford, the Associate Vice President for Weekday selection, said that the blog would resume publication on its normal tight schedule of “every few days or so.”

Donald Trump runs over a dog; Rudy Giuliani calls him a driving genius

3 Oct

NEW YORK–hours after Donald Trump accidentally backed over his neighbor’s dog, Rudy Giuliani gave a series of interviews in which he called it “an act of driving genius.”

Said Giuliani, “Donald is the best driver any of us knows. He’s spent so much time behind the wheel that he’s the only one who can fix our nation’s broken traffic laws.”

Later in the day, Trump was eating a hot dog when he spilled mustard down the front of his shirt, prompting Giuliani to call him “a condiments genius.”

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