Tag Archives: abortion

Perry signs tough new abortion bill outlawing all women in Texas

19 Jul

AUSTIN—stating that his goal was to “protect ladies from unsafe surgical procedures,” Gov. Rick Perry of Texas today signed a bill that would prevent any woman of childbearing age from entering the state.

“Texas men are irresistible,” explained Perry. “Once you let women in this state, they’ll probably be pregnant in minutes, and then they might get an abortion, which could lead to uncontrollable bleeding. So this is just to protect our ladies, really.”

The no-women-allowed law is a stronger version of a previous bill aimed at restricting abortion. Under the previous law, which was successfully filibustered by Democrats, abortions could only take place in clinics that met statewide surgical standards, had at least one doctor on staff with hospital privileges, and had the ability to launch a satellite into space.

Responding to criticism that deporting millions and millions of Texan women would lead to a massive exodus of families and destroy the state’s economy, Perry was unapologetic. “What price is too great to save a human life?” he asked rhetorically, while behind him a half-naked child with whooping cough tugged on his pants and asked for medicine.

A few minutes later, Perry was handed a note by an aide, and interrupted his prepared text to issue a correction. “Apparently in Texas we believe $500 is too great,” he clarified.

GOP woos young people and women with higher student-loan rates, additional restrictions on abortion

1 Jul

WASHINGTON—concerned that the Republican Party is unpopular with young people and women, the party’s leaders have put forward an agenda that makes college less affordable and abortions harder to get.

“We can no longer rely on a coalition of angry middle-aged white men,” said John Boehner. “That’s why we’re responding with a series of measures designed to appeal to angry middle-aged white men.”

The centerpiece of the federal GOP agenda has been allowing preferential rates on student loans to expire. “America needs to make itself more competitive,” said Rep. Paul Ryan (R—Wisconsin). “And obviously the way to do that is to prevent young people from accessing higher education.”

Additional restrictions on abortion are being pushed primarily at the state level, which will enable the GOP to accommodate the large number of male politicians eager to talk about rape. Said Gov. John Kasich (R—Ohio), “there just hasn’t been enough discussion of mandatory vaginal ultrasounds at a local or a state level recently.”

Immigration reform, which could help the party with Hispanics, is the likely third piece of the puzzle. Leading House Republicans have already started about ways that they can curry favor by undermining the bill recently passed by the Senate. “I’m hopeful that when we vote down the bill, we do so for some totally petty and unrelated reason,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R—Virginia). “Better still would be if we managed to work some racial epithets into the debate.”

Responding to electorate’s demand for symbolic action on divisive social issues, House GOP takes up abortion

18 Jun

WASHINGTON–responding to the nationwide insistence that Congress spend its time voting on controversial culture-war bills that have no chance of becoming law, the Republican leadership in the House today started debate on a bill to restrict abortion rights.

“We’d like to get some work done on the economy,” said Majority Whip Eric Cantor (R–Virginia). “But I can’t tell you how many constituents I’ve had coming into my office, pleading with me to make some kind of empty gesture on abortion rights. That’s really got to be our top priority now, alongside our goal of holding a 38th vote to repeal Obamacare.”

According to Cantor, after the vote to restrict abortion rights goes nowhere, Republicans plan to take up a series of increasingly divisive proposals that also have no chance of passing. “Next up is our plan to roll back gay rights, followed by disempowerment of women, followed by the gutting of civil-rights enforcement,” said Cantor. “And after we’ve had all of those shot down, we might look into re-segregating the military.”

Once again, the Democrats were left flat-footed by the nimble GOP tactics. “If there’s one thing we were unprepared for,” said President Obama, “it was a Congress that seems to be more interested in its own re-election than actually passing laws.”

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