Tag Archives: angry

Louisiana celebrates 1,000th preventable child death since rejecting Medicaid expansion

13 Nov

BATON ROUGE—Gov. Bobby Jindal took a break today from the presidential campaign trail to come back to his state and celebrate the 1,000th preventable child death since he rejected the expansion of Medicaid in May 2013. The expansion of Medicaid would have been fully funded under the Affordable Care Act.

“Sounds like freedom,” said Jindal, as 7-year-old Kaylee Johnson was lowered into the ground at Sweet Briar Cemetery. Kaylee died on the weekend of pneumonia; her mother lacked health insurance and delayed taking Kaylee to the hospital for fear of falling further into debt. “The important thing,” said Jindal, “is that we’ve shown Washington that we here in Louisiana don’t believe in Big Government.”

Jindal had originally planned to return to the state on Sunday for the funeral of 4-year-old Bobby Wills, whose parents initially tried to treat his severe accidental burns at home, but Bobby hung on for “several days longer than expected,” according to aides, forcing a reshuffling of the schedule. “On the bright side, the Wills family lived way up in Coushatta, and we would have struggled to get the media out there,” said the aide.

Jindal, who is currently polling around 1% in the presidential race, wrote an op-ed piece in the Washington Post in May 2013, arguing that despite the initial full federal funding, Medicaid expansion would have ended up costing the state $1 billion over ten years, or about $21 per resident per year. The op-ed was well received, and many think that while Jindal has no hope of success in the current Republican presidential primary, he is now well-positioned for a book deal and possibly a commentary slot on Fox.

“WWJD,” said Jindal, as the last shovelfuls of dirt were heaped on Kaylee’s casket. “WWJD.”

NRA calls latest wave of shootings “cute”

7 Jun

WASHINGTON–speaking in front of conservative groups here today, NRA leader Wayne Lapierre called the latest wave of senseless gun murders “cute,” noting that “everyone has to start somewhere” when it comes to pointless killing sprees.

“Look, that guy in Seattle was doing his best,” said Lapierre. “I mean, he was new at this, and the Pacific Northwest is tough for a kid trying to break into this game. And I think it’s just adorable that someone could open fire and only kill one person, you know? We should be trying to build this guy’s confidence up, not tear him down.”

Lapierre pledged that the NRA website would soon include a “tips and tricks” section for mentally ill people seeking to inflict maximum casualties. “I mean, I want these people to at least have some self-respect afterwards,” he explained.

Meanwhile, President Obama said that he would have liked to push gun-control legislation, but “the security of our free state is just too darn reliant on all these well-regulated militias.”

In wake of Zimmerman controversy, Florida to institute strict license-and-limit regime for killing black youth

15 Jul

TALLAHASSEE–reacting to criticism following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the death of Trayvon Martin, Florida today announced that it would institute a strict requirement that all neighborhood vigilantes have a license before killing black teenagers, and that there would be a strict season limit of three regular teenagers or five suspicious ones.

“This tragedy has underlined the need to strictly regulate the killing of African-Americans in our state,” said House Speaker Will Weatherford. “If these rules had been in place a year ago, Trayvon Martin would still be alive, unless George Zimmerman had filled out an application and paid a $35 fee.”

The permits will be issued by the newly renamed Florida Department of Fish, Wildlife, and Civil Rights, and will come with an instant voting-background check.

“I think we can all agree that these commonsense rules will help prevent a lot of confusion,” said presidential hopeful Sen. Marco Rubio (R—Fla). “I encourage residents of this great state to ensure their permits are in order, preferably before the next election rolls around.”

%d bloggers like this: