Tag Archives: apple

In historic shift, new Microsoft Windows upgrade will break your computer for free

29 Jul

REDMOND, Washington—in a radical change to Microsoft’s business model, the company today released Windows 10 as a free upgrade.

“Instead of charging you $99 or more to mess up your computer and have to roll back the installation, we’re now going to do it for free,” said a Microsoft spokesman. “You’re welcome.”
Windows 10 replaces Windows 7 and 8. It includes new features such as mysterious crashes of Internet Explorer, a confusing new way of organizing your files, and a sort-of-but-not-really tablet-style interface.

“It also loads significantly slower,” said the spokesman.

According to industry experts, the company had originally planned to release Windows 9 late last year, but changed its mind when the product tested poorly in focus groups, apparently because all it did was cause your computer to catch on fire.

Microsoft “put a lot more design thinking” into the look-and-feel of the Windows 10 blue screen of death

NSA reveals it has backdoor access to iPhone, but still stuck on Level 372 of Candy Crush Saga

30 Dec

WASHINGTON–after a German news magazine leaked documents showing that the US government has backdoor access to every iOS device, the NSA revealed today that yes, it hacked access to iPhones on a massive scale, but that it still couldn’t finish Candy Crush Saga.

“We are appealing to members of the public who may have information on how to get rid of the frozen jelly in the corner to step forward,” said NSA spokesman Dean Arden. “Unfortunately our internal efforts to access this information have been unsuccessful.”

According to the article in Der Spiegel, the NSA has had the ability to remotely monitor iPhones for several years, and can even turn on the camera and microphone. The program was originally intended to track terrorism suspects, but was re-purposed when the head of the NSA, Gen. Keith Alexander, was unable to progress past level 211 of Candy Crush Saga.

“In addition, it turns out most of what terrorists say to each other is totally boring,” added Arden. “I mean, we love preventing attacks and all, but you just couldn’t pay me enough.”

In response to questions, Arden clarified that the program had successfully enabled Gen. Alexander to pass level 211 and several others, but that they were still stuck on 372.

Gen. Alexander did not respond to requests for comment, other than to briefly glance up from his phone and say “Mmm” a few times.

Microsoft buys Nokia handset business for $7 billion; BlackBerry, Enron, Mondale campaign next on shopping list

4 Sep

REDMOND, Washington—in a bold move designed to turn around the flagging fortunes of Windows Phone, Microsoft announced yesterday that it was buying the cellphone manufacturing business of Nokia for $7 billion.

“This exciting news will enable us to leverage the best cellular technology of the mid-1990s,” said Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer at a press conference. “We look forward to introducing flip phones to Microsoft customers in the coming months.”

While many experts see Nokia’s best days as behind it, Ballmer disagreed, explaining that the biggest debates within Microsoft had been whether Nokia’s technology was sufficiently mature for Microsoft to use.

“We usually like to acquire products once they’ve had ten, fifteen years of stasis, just to make sure all the kinks are worked out,” said Ballmer. “Nokia’s had the same phones for about eight years, so it’s a little new and unproven, but we’re willing to take the chance.”

If the Nokia deal is successful, Ballmer said, Microsoft would look at other organizations that “haven’t done anything in the last ten years” for possible acquisition. He cited BlackBerry, Enron (“Very stable since 2002”) and Walter Mondale’s 1984 presidential campaign as possibilities.

Ballmer, who is stepping down as Microsoft CEO at the end of the year, said he was really pleased to have “one more chance to throw shareholder cash down the toilet” before leaving the company.

One of Microsoft's customers, using Nokia's latest phone

One of Microsoft’s customers, using Nokia’s latest phone

Apple dodged billions in taxes; IRS spotted evasion after children held tea party on campus

21 May

CUPERTINO—According to the Senate and the IRS, Apple Inc. has avoided paying billions in corporate taxes through a complex web of offshore entities. The IRS quickly spotted the alleged tax evasion after Take Your Daughter to Work Day, when seven-year-old Stacy Milgram held a tea party for the dolls of visiting girls.

“As soon as we saw there was a tea party on campus—boom!” said Former Acting Commissioner Steven Miller, making an explosion gesture with his hands. “Our computers picked it up right away.”

IRS examiners immediately descended on the Cupertino campus, where they took the dolls in for questioning. They also detained a software engineer who was found with a copy of the Tom Clancy novel Patriot Games.

“I think we’ve got everything we came here for,” said Ex-Acting-Commissioner Miller at a press conference held at Apple headquarters. When asked about a large sign behind him pointing towards something called “Apple Secret Tax Evasion Department,” Miller was noncommittal, pointing out that it was probably just some bureaucratic naming convention, and that the IRS lacked the manpower to follow up every little lead that came in.

A Senate panel was due to question Apple CEO Tim Cook today, during which senators were expected to press Cook on how exactly to connect iPhones to their office WiFi.

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