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Arkansas, tired of tourists, investment, and economic growth, passes religious-freedom law

2 Apr

LITTLE ROCK—the Arkansas legislature, worried that the state might climb out of its 49th-place ranking for child poverty, today passed a religious-freedom law designed to prevent out-of-town money from reaching the state.

“Being isolated and poor is what this great state is all about, and in recent years we’ve had too much interest from big coastal businesses in setting up shop here,” said Arkansas House Speaker Jeremy Gillam (R), who represents White [sic] County. “We figured this was the best way to keep those fancy East-Coast dollars from corrupting our way of life.”

As designed, a number of large businesses immediately condemned the bill, and in some cases announced plans to avoid Arkansas, just as some have threatened to reduce their investments in Indiana, which recently passed a similar bill. Some in-state criticism also came from Walmart, a well-known bastion of bleeding-heart liberals.

“Mission accomplished,” said Gillam. “Hopefully this bill will keep our proud traditions of pellagra and scurvy in our schools for years to come.”

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“Just the right amount of bigotry,” announced Gillam after the bill’s passage

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