Tag Archives: army

Obama sends top troubleshooter Kathleen Sebelius to fix up VA

30 May

WASHINGTON–as pressure mounted on the troubled Veterans Administration health-care system, President Obama today announced that he was sending his “number one gun,” former HHS secretary Kathleen Sebelius, to sort out the issues.

“Our veterans deserve the same great health care as the rest of Americans get,” said Obama at a press conference to introduce Sebelius. “And who better to provide it as the woman who led the flawless implementation of healthcare.gov?”

During the press conference, while she stood next to the President, Sebelius accidentally unplugged the microphone, then knocked over the lectern, spilled a glass of water on the First Lady, and then accidentally shot four disabled veterans in the audience. “My bad,” she said afterwards.

In a separate development, the VA released a report showing that most veterans are “a bunch of whiners” and “should stop getting sick.”

US military adopts new marketing campaign: “Maybe you won’t get sexually assaulted”

26 May

WASHINGTON–updating its recruiting efforts to stay in tune with the emerging Millennial generation, the US military has launched a new advertising campaign with the tagline “Maybe you won’t get sexually assaulted!”

A first series of ads, launched this weekend, show a group of mixed-gender soldiers preparing for a training mission. As they are about to leave, one of them asks the others, “Hey, should we go sexually assault someone first?” The other soldiers think about it for a moment, and then they decide not to.

“We’ve decided that the modern military needs a fresher look,” said Gen. Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. “We’re now emphasizing benefits such as computer training, character building, and the strong possibility you might get through your service without being groped, fondled, or raped.”

While some critics thought the new campaign failed to underline the military’s core purpose of fighting wars, instant polls of the target audience were popular. “Look, I’ve been thinking I might join the army,” said Tamara Braden of Louisville, KY. “If I can do that and have less than a fifty percent chance of being assaulted–well, sign me up right now.”

Dempsey said the campaign was conceived as the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan wind down, making the current tagline, “Shoot foreigners without legal consequences,” less relevant.

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