Tag Archives: asia

North Korean internet still down, crippling vibrant “Silicon Gulag”

27 Dec

PYONGYANG–North Korea’s vibrant internet startup community continued to suffer from ongoing connectivity problems, causing many entrepreneurs to suggest that the country’s innovation culture could be under threat.

“I love everything about this place–the deep pools of talent, the free flow of ideas, the bread made with sawdust–but if the internet stays down, I might need to retreat to California,” said Nathan Horsley, the CEO of iPurge, an innovative P2P oppression service based here.

Hubbard complained that normally the internet was available on both the country’s computers. “But one has been down for weeks due to a coal shortage, and now the other one has lost internet access,” he said.

Kim Jong Un, the country’s unquestioned leader, visited the offices of WheatNet, a startup outside Nampo whose traffic app helps North Korean residents find grain that may have spilled out of trucks. He issued a statement using the country’s backup communication links, but both pigeons were eaten by hungry VC executives before they could take off.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/7a9/37750163/files/2014/12/img_0077.jpgKim Jong Un suggests to the military that they combine the wrapped and the striped candies

Malaysia issues definitive report on missing jet: “Something really weird must have happened”

16 Apr

KUALA LUMPUR—ending weeks of confusion and mystery, the Malaysian government today issued its definitive report on what caused the disappearance of Flight 370.

“After reviewing all the available evidence, we are finally confident that we have found the cause of the jet’s disappearance,” said a government spokesman. “Specifically, our experts have found that something pretty strange happened, which in turn caused the jet to disappear, and maybe to crash or something.”

Authorities around the world were quick to declare the case closed.

“It’s a meticulous piece of sleuthing,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “As a world leader who practically found the plane by myself, I firmly support the findings.”

The spokesman noted that “everyone in the Malaysian government is relieved to put this behind us and get back in the headlines for the right reasons, like weird trumped-up sex charges against opposition leaders.”

Tense recount in North Korean election as Kim Jong Un clings to 99.98% lead

12 Mar


PYONGYANG—North Korea’s parliamentary election continued to be too close to call, with Kim Jong Un clinging to a 99.98% margin in his electoral district of Mount Paektu.

According to election authorities, a court-ordered recount of all votes was under way, with the outcome hanging on “a few hundred” ballots that were either illegible or had been boiled with nettles and tree bark to make soup.

“It is still too early to make a definitive call in this election,” said Mount Paektu county commissioner Kang Byung-suk, who assumed the post after the previous three incumbents mysteriously disappeared over the previous 24 hours. He noted that the commission was seeking advice from the state of Florida on how to conduct a smooth and efficient recount.

When news of the inconclusive result was announced, the Korean Workers’ Party immediately mobilized a crack team of highly trained lawyers, forensic accountants, and public-relations experts. It then put them all in a stadium and had them hold up cards depicting missile launches and army gymnasts.

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