Tag Archives: australia

New Australian Prime Minister lays out ambition to lead country for “at least a few weeks”

14 Sep

CANBERRA, Australia—in a closely-watched leadership challenge, Malcolm Turnbull today deposed Tony Abbott as Prime Minister, winning an election among the leaders of the Liberal Party. Turnbull then promised that he would “lead Australia into a brighter future, until at least October or maybe November.”

This is the third time in five years Australia has changed its head of government through an internal party challenge, without an election. As a result, there is relatively little patience from members of the public, most of whom are keen to become Prime Minister themselves.

“Look, give this guy a few weeks, but then the way I see it, it’s my turn,” said Susan Naffinch, head of the poultry department at the Lane Cove Woolworths’. “I’m thirty-three years old, and I’ve been waiting a long time for this.”

Australia’s frequent changes of government have caused uncertainty in some major policy areas. Since 2010, the country has had at least eight adorable animal mascots, starting with the kangaroo under Kevin Rudd, then the wallaby under Julia Gillard, then the box jellyfish under Rudd again, who then changed his mind to fried chicken, before losing to Tony Abbott, who went in rapid succession through the opossum, to the possum (“I didn’t realize the opossum was a different animal,” he explained), to the emu, and then Malcolm Turnbull, who chose money. There may have been other policy changes as well on things like human rights.

Turnbull released a statement in which he solemnly pledged to “really have a great time, and fly around all over the place, until I have to hand the keys over to someone else” right around Halloween.

Turnbull and Abbott
Malcolm Turnbull and Tony Abbott in 2014, during a period of a few days when neither one of them could remember who was Prime Minister.

Australian Prime Minister gets tough on people smugglers by paying them tens of thousands of dollars

23 Jun

CANBERRA—Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today announced a tough new campaign against people smugglers, in which the Australian navy will “search out boats full of illegal migrants, find the despicable ringleaders, and then give them a lot of money.”

Abbott, who was elected in large part on his pledge to crack down on boats full of migrants fleeing to Australia for safety, has said repeatedly that his government would never negotiate with the smugglers who transport the migrants, putting lives at risk and exploiting them horribly. He said there was no contradiction in the new policy. “We aren’t negotiating with these scum,” he said at a press conference. “When our guys offer them thirty thousand dollars in crisp new hundreds, it’s a take-it-or-leave-it deal. We’re fully in control of the situation.”

The payments, Abbott explained, are designed to entice the people smugglers to return the migrants to their embarkation point instead of pressing on to Australia. Asked whether the payments might not then just cause the smugglers to immediately return to the ocean, seeking another payout, Abbott looked confused. “Why would they do that?” he asked. “Are these guys all about money?”

In case the payments are not enough, Abbott said that he was open to a “wide range of perks” to get the smugglers to return to their country of departure. He suggested “free massages, a wide range of healthy snacks, and an in-house gym,” but said that if pressed, he was also open to discussing stock options.


Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott, more than fifty feet ahead of Vladimir Putin in a swim-off

Deranged Australian gunman buys black flag; becomes global terrorist threat

15 Dec

SYDNEY—a mentally ill Iranian-Australian man with a long criminal history today took hostages inside a café here. The initial threat assessment of “Moderate” was then upgraded to “Unbelievably, Incredibly High” when he unfurled a black flag with the Islamic profession of faith on it.

“Look, some guy waving a gun around, threatening people, that’s no big deal,” said a spokesman for the New South Wales police. “But when we found out that he had a largely made-up superficial connection to Islam, then we decided it was time for some old-fashioned national panic.”

The gunman, Man Haron Manis, was well-known to the authorities for sending incoherent denunciations to the police and espousing bizarre conspiracy theories. He was on bail for sexual assault charges and involvement in the murder of his ex-wife. “We would have kept an eye on him,” said the police spokesman, “but we didn’t know he owned a black flag.”

Executing a well-prepared plan, Australian police descended in force, closed down the center of the city, and then milled about all day, wondering what to do next. Explaining why more than two hundred officers in full armor were considered necessary, the spokesman pointed out that “We have all this cool deadly combat gear. What are we supposed to do, not use it?” Pressed further, he offered the possibility that Manis “might have transformed into a deadly robot ninja or something.”

The siege ended around 2am, when police stormed the café and shot Manis dead.

IMG_4293.JPG“We didn’t know what the hat meant,” said authorities

Australian PM super-excited to have his own terrorist threat

11 Oct

CANBERRA–Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today announced that “after years of trying to whip one up,” his government had finally managed to find a homegrown terrorist threat.

“I’m pleased to announce that Australia now has a genuine Islamic terrorist threat,” said Abbott, smiling from ear to ear at a press conference. “I’d like to thank my team for their years of dedicated race-baiting, which has made today’s announcement possible.”

Abbott announced that Australian federal police had launched a series of pre-dawn raids in order to detain several young men who “had made vague statements about doing bad stuff online.” He noted that “they looked pretty shady and ethnic and stuff.”

Although he did not comment on the specific nature of the threats, Abbott did note that “once guys in their early 20s start talking to their mates about doing something, precise coordinated action can’t be far behind.” A source close to the investigation revealed that in a chat room one of the arrested men had commented on ISIS and said “we should totally do something, you know?”, which caused the entire government to go on high alert.

Prosecutors said that the arrested men would be tried for violating laws that were due to be written any day now.

“My government takes terrorism extremely seriously,” said Tony Abbott. “That’s why we have decided to start violating civil liberties, publicizing trivial incidents, and making hostile comments about religions and ethnicities, so that we can have more of it to fight.”

IMG_3642.JPGWe’ve got a terrorist threat this big

Malaysian government can’t remember where it wrote down coordinates of missing jet

21 Mar

KUALA LUMPUR–the search area for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet narrowed considerably when the government admitted today that it had a Post-It Note with the exact crash coordinates written on it.

“Apparently we received a satellite transmission with the precise location where the plane hit the water,” said a spokesman for the Malaysian Ministry of Aviation Safety and Volleyball. “But I wrote it down on a Post-It and just forgot I had it. Sorry about that!”

A multinational task force immediately swung into action off Australia’s western coast. “As usual, the initial focus will be on taking photographs of people staring out of helicopter windows at the water,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “Later, we will redeploy those people to the actual search area.”

As the search headed into its third week at the same time as the Crimean crisis continues, the American news media found itself desperately hoping that a celebrity would commit a major crime. “I mean, come on,” said Matt Lauer. “What’s next, some multilateral trade agreement? We need some A-list mug shots, and we need them now.”

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