Tag Archives: aviation

Malaysia issues definitive report on missing jet: “Something really weird must have happened”

16 Apr

KUALA LUMPUR—ending weeks of confusion and mystery, the Malaysian government today issued its definitive report on what caused the disappearance of Flight 370.

“After reviewing all the available evidence, we are finally confident that we have found the cause of the jet’s disappearance,” said a government spokesman. “Specifically, our experts have found that something pretty strange happened, which in turn caused the jet to disappear, and maybe to crash or something.”

Authorities around the world were quick to declare the case closed.

“It’s a meticulous piece of sleuthing,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “As a world leader who practically found the plane by myself, I firmly support the findings.”

The spokesman noted that “everyone in the Malaysian government is relieved to put this behind us and get back in the headlines for the right reasons, like weird trumped-up sex charges against opposition leaders.”

Malaysian government can’t remember where it wrote down coordinates of missing jet

21 Mar

KUALA LUMPUR–the search area for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet narrowed considerably when the government admitted today that it had a Post-It Note with the exact crash coordinates written on it.

“Apparently we received a satellite transmission with the precise location where the plane hit the water,” said a spokesman for the Malaysian Ministry of Aviation Safety and Volleyball. “But I wrote it down on a Post-It and just forgot I had it. Sorry about that!”

A multinational task force immediately swung into action off Australia’s western coast. “As usual, the initial focus will be on taking photographs of people staring out of helicopter windows at the water,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “Later, we will redeploy those people to the actual search area.”

As the search headed into its third week at the same time as the Crimean crisis continues, the American news media found itself desperately hoping that a celebrity would commit a major crime. “I mean, come on,” said Matt Lauer. “What’s next, some multilateral trade agreement? We need some A-list mug shots, and we need them now.”

GOP on missing jet: two passengers were signed up for Obamacare

11 Mar

BEIJING—the mystery surrounding the disappearance of the Malaysia Airlines jet over the weekend took a sinister turn today, as Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) revealed that two of the passengers on board had recently signed up for insurance under the Affordable Care Act.

“Although we cannot prove that this tragedy was caused by the White House’s misguided efforts at health-care reform, the math doesn’t lie,” said Cruz at a combined Tea Party/lobotomy convention. “Experts have said that the probability of two people getting Obamacare insurance and boarding a plane, and then having that plane crash, is less than one in a million.”

Cruz said it would be inappropriate to speculate on the exact mechanism by which health insurance could have caused the disaster, but noted that “crash” and “healthcare.gov” had appeared together in news articles more than ten thousand times in the last six months. “Everywhere we look, we see the President’s fingerprints on this,” he added.

In related news, the White House offered its condolences to the families of those presumed dead on the missing jet. “What makes this tragedy even worse,” said spokesman Jay Carney, “is that one of those passengers was supposed to make the final decision on the Keystone XL pipeline.”

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