Tag Archives: barack obama

GOP confounds White House through disciplined program of random, purposeless actions

27 Jan

WASHINGTON–as President Obama’s second term gets underway, he faces stiffer-than-expected opposition in the Republican Party, which is showing a united front as it undertakes a far-reaching program of entirely arbitrary, irrational, and self-defeating actions.

“We’ve tried being reasonable, or at least making some kind of sense, and it hasn’t worked for us,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–Ohio), addressing the Republican National Committee’s annual winter meeting in Charlotte, NC. “That’s why I’m so excited about our new plan of purely random activity.”

Sources close to the RNC say that the program has been underway on a trial basis for the past several months, during which Congressional Republicans first threatened a shutdown, then averted it, then preached moderation, then campaigned on a pro-rape platform, then threatened a shutdown, then averted it again, then supported Obama’s Democratic cabinet choices, then opposed his Republican nominee for Defense.

“Make no mistake about it,” said Senator John McCain (R–Arizona). “There is absolutely no plan here. None whatsoever.”

“We used to have a coherent strategy,” said Reince Priebus, chair of the RNC. “Then we had an incoherent strategy, which we all enjoyed a lot more. And I’m  really excited now not to have any strategy at all.”

Priebus noted that entirely random activity had a “proud, long-standing history” in the Republican Party. “Nixon made decisions on the basis of irrational paranoia,” he observed. “Reagan consulted astrologers. And George W. Bush–boy, what a kidder that guy is–pretended that he was having hallucinations in which he would talk to Jesus.”

In his speech, Boehner explained that a sophisticated algorithm had been developed to guide the party’s decisions. “It’s by the same guys who did Mitt Romney’s voter database, so we know it’s going to be good,” he explained. When asked if he could explain further, Boehner consulted the algorithm, and then said “The future is hazy. Try again later.”

Obama grudgingly accepts second term in office

21 Jan
WASHINGTON–Barack Obama was sworn in today for his second term as
President of the United States, barely concealing his irritation at
having to keep doing the job.

“As I stand before you here today,” said Obama in his second inaugural
address, “I’m not going to lie: I’m a little annoyed that I have to
keep doing this for you guys.”

Fully aware of the historic nature of the occasion, Obama gave a
sweeping speech in which he laid out his agenda for a second term.
Among his top priorities were “not having to deal with Congress” and
“not pretending to like all these people who keep trooping through my

“President Obama is absolutely committed to serving another four years
in office,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “There is absolutely no
truth to the rumor that he has been working on his resume and posting
it on Monster.com.”

The Secret Service was on high alert for the ceremony, responding to
rumors that Bill Clinton was planning to rush the podium during the
taking of the oath and swear himself in.

Karl Rove admits that Romney’s path to victory is “quite narrow now”

7 Jan

NEW YORK–two months after his controversial election-night protest that Fox had been premature in declaring victory for Barack Obama, Karl Rove today admitted that “right now it looks unlikely that Mitt Romney will be elected president.”

As all election results have been certified and all electoral votes have been cast, most political observers agree that Obama has won the election. In a guest appearance on CNN today, however, Rove noted that while “Romney’s path to victory is quite narrow, there still is a path.”

Asked to explain, Rove noted that “constitutional committees could spontaneously form in all fifty states, revise their delegate and election procedures, appoint new electors, and disband, all before the inauguration.” He also raised the possibility that “super-powerful aliens could give us the secret of time travel, allowing Romney to go back to the second debate and not sound like such an idiot.”

Rove also alluded to “deep backup plans” in the Romney camp, “just in case” neither of the first two scenarios comes to pass. When pressed, Rove hinted that Romney might just be able to show up at the inauguration, sneak into the front row, and “take the oath of office when Barack isn’t looking.”

At the end of the CNN interview, Rove was helped from the set by two friendly doctors, all the while waving his arms and shouting that the 1960 Texas results still aren’t final, and that “Nixon is still in this thing.”

Defying critics, Washington achieves historic feat of kicking the can down the road for a few months

2 Jan

WASHINGTON–after protracted negotiations over the looming fiscal cliff, the White House and Congress came together at the eleventh hour to forge a historic compromise, in which the problem is temporarily patched over so that it can be ignored for several weeks.

“The American people sent a clear message that they want the government to do more than just bicker,” said President Obama. “With this agreement, we’ve shown that we can also stick our heads in the sand.” The president went on to say that he considers the stopgap arrangement “one of the signature moments of this administration,” and he looks forward to another such signature moment in March or so.

Republicans were equally proud. “This agreement shows that nothing is more important than America’s future,” said Speaker John Boehner. “Except, of course, for transient political advantage, our fears of a Tea Party primary challenge, the opportunity to generate cheap publicity, and that funny feeling in my stomach I get whenever I catch Eric Cantor looking at me. Nothing else.”

Under the terms of the deal, taxes will rise on high-income families, except for those residing in Iowa, New Hampshire, or general-election swing states, as well as major-party donors and Gerard Depardieu. Any remaining revenue gap will be filled by magical fairies. The deal also calls for massive spending cuts, which will be specified later, although defense, non-defense discretionary, and non-discretionary spending are all excluded from future cuts.

If no overarching budget deal can be reached in March, the current agreement calls for a “super fiscal cliff,” under which the entire United States will be sold to China in exchange for twenty-four dollars and a fortune cookie with the country’s lucky numbers printed on the back. “I’m sure there’s no way we’d be so irresponsible as to fail to strike a deal, with that hanging over our heads,” said Boehner, repeating his words from earlier in the year.

America’s leaders plan rockin’ New Year’s Eve party; fiscal cliff will have to wait

28 Dec

WASHINGTON–after lengthy negotiations, the White House and the Republican congressional leadership came together today to announce a bipartisan agreement to throw a “totally awesome” New Year’s Eve party.

“I am pleased to announce that we have been able to rise above everyday political divisions to come together on this important issue,” said President Obama, appearing at a joint press conference with John Boehner. “We have today the outlines of a plan that will cover the location, start time, and refreshments for what promises to be the best bipartisan New Year’s Eve in our country’s history.” In response to a question from the press, Obama added, “we haven’t really dealt with that fiscal cliff thing. Maybe in January or something.”

Added Speaker Boehner, “today we address you not as representatives of the Republican Party or the Democratic Party, but of a totally awesome party that everyone is invited to.” Boehner added that his parents were out of town for the weekend and “we can have it at my place. Totally stoked.” Later in the press conference, the Speaker noted that he hadn’t really given any thought to the December 31 deadline to avoid going off the fiscal cliff. “Thanks for ruining the mood,” he snapped at one reporter who asked whether a great party was really a higher priority than avoiding economically crippling tax increases and spending cuts.

Some important details remain to be worked out, such as theme and whether beer will be served in kegs or in cans, but both sides said they were confident an agreement could be reached.

As for the fiscal cliff, the president vowed to put all his energies into it “after we’ve cleaned up from the party, and I’ve finished my vacation, and I’m probably going to need a haircut pretty soon, too.”

NRA calls for stricter penalties for murder-suicide

21 Dec

FAIRFAX, Va.—days after the shocking mass shooting at a Connecticut school, the NRA launched an initiative to prevent further killings by increasing the penalties for murder-suicide.

“We don’t need fewer guns,” said CEO Wayne LaPierre at a press conference here at NRA headquarters. “What we need is an unambiguous message to crazy people that if you kill other people, and then yourself, you are going to be in a lot of trouble.”

When asked what penalty could deter someone intending to die, LaPierre explained that “advances in medical technology may make it possible to save some of these people. And then they’ll really be in for it.”

LaPierre also proposed a measure to give every US adult a Doomsday device, enabling anyone to set off an apocalyptic explosion killing thousands of people. He explained, “it’s just the logical extension of the deterrence doctrine that we’ve been pushing for so many years.”

Barack Obama announced that he would introduce a gun-control measure when Congress returned in the new year. “It will be just as effective as the climate-change legislation I promised you in the 2008 campaign,” he said.

Obama claims historic mandate for change, as slightly less than half of America votes against him

7 Nov

CHICAGO—after a long, hard-fought campaign, Barack Obama today won a sweeping victory over Mitt Romney, as 51 out of every 100 Americans chose him for re-election, excluding non-citizens, children, and people who didn’t bother to vote.

“America has spoken tonight, and it has said that it slightly prefers me to Mitt Romney,” Obama told a raucous crowd here at his campaign headquarters. “This gives us license to enact a sweeping second-term agenda.”

If several thousand people in key states had felt differently, of course, “it would have been a massive repudiation of the Democratic party,” observed CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “Instead, because of some hiccups in Romney’s get-out-the-vote operation and good weather in the Midwest, we can safely say that America is fully behind Barack Obama.”

Obama’s campaign team immediately began to shift back into governing mode, focused on finding the best possible people for senior appointments, drawn from the entire pool of wealthy Democratic donors.

Sources close to the President say that he is excited to get back to the work of running the government. “He knows he’s got a role to play, and he’s excited to play it,” said David Plouffe. “I mean, Congress isn’t going to alienate itself, you know?”

Confident Romney assures crowd he will beat the spread and “lose by only a point or two”

5 Nov

ALTOONA, Pennsylvania—on a surprise visit to blue-leaning Pennsylvania, a newly emboldened Mitt Romney confidently told a rally here today that “we’re going to beat the point spread.”

“On Tuesday, Paul Ryan and I are going to receive between forty-eight and forty-nine percent of the popular vote,” the candidate told the cheering crowd. “And I promise you that we will get as many as 240 electoral votes.”

Romney’s confident assertion that he will lose by as little as one or two percentage points has breathed new vigor into the Republican campaign and caused nervousness in office pools and among bookies across the nation. “If he pulls this off, it’ll be the greatest performance since Gerald Ford barely lost to Carter in 1976,” said one pundit.

In a conference call with reporters, advisor Matt Rhoades was bragging about the campaign’s performance to date. “If you handicap this thing for Mitt’s baggage and inherent unlikeability, we’re way ahead of where we should be,” he boasted. “And if the Republican Party wasn’t focused on rape, gay conversion therapy, the wholesale rejection of government, and the gold standard, we might even be ahead.”

Mike Leavitt, who has been heading up Romney’s transition team, told reporters he was looking forward to the election, after which he will go back to his job at the car wash.

Romney campaign ahead on 14 of 16 KPIs; “only lagging in popular and electoral vote”

2 Nov

BOSTON—the increasingly confident Romney campaign today released a statement noting that it was ahead on 14 of the 16 key performance indicators it tracks to measure its own effectiveness.

“We are way ahead of our targets on contributions, volunteers, yard signs, campaign stops, you name it,” said campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “We’re doing far better than I could have hoped. The only places where we’re coming up short are in, you know, the popular vote and the electoral college. But everything else is great.”

By way of contrast, Rhoades noted that their scorecard shows Obama performing well on only two of the ten measures they track: “Endorsements by obese Republican governors” and “Likelihood of winning the election.” Said Rhoades, “on everything else, they’re nowhere near where they should be by now.”

Rhoades was dismissive of arguments that ultimately winning the election was the only measure that actually mattered. “That’s old-school, government-centric thinking,” he explained. “Mitt Romney’s a businessman, and these are the tools businesses use to measure success.”

Among the measures where the campaign was particularly strong included “Candidate alliteration,” “Number of crazy billionaires on board,” and “Executive hair.”

Republican Senate candidates grab Mitt Romney’s arm; ask for help in finding a job

28 Oct

COLUMBUS, Ohio–voters at a Republican rally here today were treated to a heartrending tale about a Republican Senate candidate who approached Mitt Romney after a rally, grabbed his arm, and asked for help finding a job.

“And this man, Todd, he comes up to me, and he says please–please, Mitt, he said–I live just over in Missouri, and I’m about to be out of work, and I really would like your help getting a job,” said Romney to the crowd.

According to pundits, the anecdote marked the ten-thousandth time someone has approached Romney after a rally and grabbed his arm. According to campaign sources, Romney gets deep-tissue massage every evening to keep his heavily-handled limbs in working condition.

Romney has been alternating the “Todd” story with another about a man named “Richard” from Indiana who is facing the same situation.

“My heart goes out to these folks,” said Romney. “They both told me that they thought they would get jobs in November, but now they won’t, and all because of the Obama recession, plus the fact that they keep saying really weird things about rape.”

President Obama, according to Anderson Cooper, has only been grabbed by the arm four times during the campaign. “And all of those were during the second debate,” explained Cooper.

In other news, Romney told a group of evangelicals that “God wants me to win this thing,” shortly before two campaign stops in Virginia were cancelled because of a hurricane.

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