Tag Archives: bernie sanders

Angry voters demand Democrats engage in more name-calling and dumb stunts in future debates

15 Oct

LAS VEGAS—disappointed by what was mostly a substantive debate on issues, angry voters from across the political spectrum have demanded the Democrats overhaul future debates to ensure more “stupid insults and attention-grabbing antics” in the future.

“First of all, if I wanted to learn about the issues, I would have read the magazines in my dentist’s office, okay?” said Chris Shelbourne, a fitness instructor who went to a buddy’s house to watch the debate. “Second, if they aren’t going to stand up there and make fun of each other’s appearance, then why am I even watching this?”

Said Shelbourne, “it was just blah blah blah domestic policy this and blah blah blah foreign policy that. Are we electing a President? Or what?”

Pundits were equally critical, and demanded changes to future debates. “First, we need way more people up there on stage,” said Susan O’Connell, Director of Ratings-Driven Stunts at Fox News. “Ten was okay for the Republicans, but let’s take it further—fifteen, twenty, so many that people need to be completely outrageous in the few chances they get to speak. Second, I know Trump is taken, but there must be some real blowhard Democrats they can get up there to spout offensive garbage. Third, Chris Christie should be invited to every debate, because he’s awesome.”

Scrambling to respond, the campaigns of Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders issued a joint statement, in which they promised to release thirty yo-momma jokes by the end of the week.

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