Tag Archives: boston

Boston Marathon participants excited by symbolism of race; dismayed to learn they actually have to run, too

21 Apr

BOSTON—thousands of people turned out today to participate in the marathon here today, celebrating a remarkable resilience in the face of terror. To the surprise of many, participating in a marathon involves a significant amount of running.

“This is ridiculous,” puffed David Horsham, 46, an advertising account manager with “Boston Strong” tattooed on his bicep. “I sort of just thought they’d fire the starting gun, and then we’d run a little, and then there would be beers, or something.”

“I guess I didn’t really think this far ahead,” said Kathy McGee, 24, who said her normal exercise routine consists mostly of standing in line outside clubs. “The whole office went. You know? It just seemed like the right thing to do.”

Paramedics were on standby for an expected increase in injuries. As at press time, several runners were being treated for collisions caused by trying to post selfies on Instagram during the race.

White House frustrated by inability to bomb anything following Boston attack

2 May

WASHINGTON–President Obama today made a speech complaining about his inability to launch a military response to the recent bombing.

The President condemned the brothers implicated in the attack for “not having the foresight…to own anything we could blow up, or to come from a rinky-dink country that we could invade.” He went on to suggest that this was in fact the most diabolical part of the brothers’ plan, “to take away the possibility of a feel-good act of carnage” that could give the country “closure.”

Congressional leaders were quick to agree. In a rare display of bipartisanship, Senators Mitch McConnell (R–Kentucky) and Harry Reid (D–Nevada) announced the “Adopt-a-Homegrown-Terrorist” bill, which would invite small countries to retroactively sponsor the Boston bombers, so that the United States could retaliate against them.

The House immediately announced a plan of its own, which would offer low-interest loans to surviving bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev to build something that could then be destroyed in an airstrike.

Obama’s speech was the third in what has been billed as a series of major policy addresses entitled “Things I Want to Complain About.” His next speech will be about how Eric Cantor isn’t very helpful; after that, he plans to discuss how hard it is to open milk cartons.

Politicians come together to complain about inability to exploit Boston tragedy

17 Apr

BOSTON–as the investigation of the tragic Boston Marathon bombing ended its third day without any indication of who was behind it, politicians from both parties expressed frustration that they were losing valuable time to exploit the senseless deaths for their own ends.

“I mean, I’m sure this can ultimately be traced back to the President’s failed policies,” said Rep. Eric Cantor. “But if I’m going to use the attack to raise money, we need some progress, before everyone moves on. I don’t think the FBI understands that control of the House in 2014 may be at stake here.”

Democrats were no less indignant at the slow progress. “I’m hoping it’s some militia member, or maybe an ex-felon who had his gun rights restored,” said Sen. Harry Reid. “Maybe he’s even from Texas and mad about the election. That would be, you know, a dream scenario.”

At press time, members of Congress were advancing a range of theories. Sen. Rand Paul suggested that the shrapnel-packed pressure cookers might somehow have been placed by a malfunctioning Predator drone. “There’s just so much we don’t know,” said Senator Paul.

Duelling bills have already been advanced in Congress. Democrats have suggested a waiting period before the private sale of pressure cookers, while Republicans are promoting an alternative that would allow athletes to carry concealed bombs on them for deterrence reasons.

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