Tag Archives: britain

David Cameron expects to be remembered primarily for his infrastructure policies

27 Jun

LONDON–UK prime minister David Cameron, in the final months of his tenure, has started to think about his legacy, sources close to the PM say. Cameron, a modest man, reportedly acknowledges that “most leaders are only remembered for one or two things,” and expects that his place in history will be defined primarily by his support for the continued development of UK rail and his thoughtful handling of the Israeli arms-embargo debate, sources close to the PM say.
 

“I don’t think there’s much else that people will bother with,” said Cameron. “It’s really going to be my unstinting support for gradual reforms to UK infrastructure and a business-as-usual approach to foreign policy. That’s probably going to be what people remember me for, the same way that when you hear the name Neville Chamberlain, you immediately think of the Coal Act of 1938 and not much else.”

 

Cameron went on to compare his legacy to those of other world leaders. “What do you think of when someone mentions Herbert Hoover? His leadership in negotiating a new treaty over the St. Lawrence Seaway, of course. And who can remember anything about Richard Nixon aside from the National Sickle-Cell Anemia Control Act of 1972?”

PM David Cameron: “At least nothing bad happened.”

Advertisements

Twissblog Brexit special

24 Jun

LONDON–in a surprise to experts, British voters chose overnight to leave the European Union by a surprisingly wide margin of 52% to 48%.

 
English voters chose Brexit by a wide margin, while Scotland voted heavily for remain. Scottish National Party leader Nicola Sturgeon confirmed that the SNP would immediately push for another referendum to secede from the UK and remain in the EU.

 
Edinburgh voters, meanwhile, were less sympathetic to the Remain campaign, and the Edinburgh Independence Party released a statement stating that it would be pushing for a vote to determine whether Edinburgh should remain part of Scotland in order to avoid leaving the UK.

 
The St. Andrews Civic Association, representing the prosperous section of the city where many businesses are headquartered, disavowed the EIP independence push, and announced that it was launching a campaign to leave Edinburgh in order to remain part of Scotland in order to exit the UK in order to remain part of Europe.

 
McClachey’s, a small coffee shop in the middle of St. Andrews Square, announced that it wanted no part of the “SACA’s twisted schemes,” and that it would secede from St. Andrews in order to remain part of Edinburgh.
David Gillies, who started at McClachey’s three weeks ago, said that the whole thing was “rubbish” and he was going to look for a job at Costa Coffee on the other side of the square.

 
In the meantime, UK Prime Minister David Cameron, who called the Brexit referendum despite opposing an EU departure, announced that he would resign in the coming months. Although he did not specify his future plans, he did say that he had an idea for a startup to deter thieves by placing thermonuclear devices inside cars that would go off if anyone tampers with the door locks.

Selfish refugees seek to steal European jobs, also not be murdered

22 May

ROME–as Europe’s refugee crisis continues with more boatloads of migrants making the risky crossing of the Mediterranean, many of the migrants admitted that they were headed over for primarily selfish reasons.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of living in poverty, cleaning toilets and being harrassed by police,” said Emrip Khan, who arrived in Sicily this week after fleeing the Libyan civil war with his three surviving children. “And in the EU, I can finally make that dream come true.”

A spokesman for the United Kingdom’s anti-immigrant party, UKIP, shared his indignation at the incoming waves of refugees. “They’re all a bunch of whiners,” said David Whitewurst. “It’s all don’t-let-me-be-killed-by-the-solders and my-children-are-starving. They should have thought about that when they were being born somewhere else, that’s what I say.”

European leaders held discussions this week on how to stem the flow of migrants without leaving them at the mercy of armed conflict in their home regions. Those discussions concluded after fifteen minutes, after which they started discussions on how to stem the flow of migrants.

“We are very concerned with the humanitarian crisis on the doorstep of Europe,” said Nils Muiznieks, Human Rights Commissioner for the Council of Europe. “We strongly prefer that humanitarian crises take place far away.”

  
A bunch of refugees just standing around doing nothing, instead of launching startups or mining Bitcoins

%d bloggers like this: