Tag Archives: budget

Paul Ryan releases hilarious April Fool’s budget

1 Apr

WASHINGTON—in a light-hearted distraction from the daily political grind, Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) played an April Fool’s Day prank on his Congressional colleagues, releasing a “budget” full of nonsensical economic assumptions and ludicrous spending priorities.

“I have to admit, Paul totally got me with this one,” said Rep. Steny Hoyer (D—MD), the House minority whip. “I could almost believe the sharp increases in military spending, the heavy use of unspecified ‘other cuts’—but then I got to the underlying growth projections and I just burst out laughing. Totally hilarious.”

Ryan used his joke budget to satirize his own image as a heartless ideologue, pretending to gut health care and even food stamps for lower-income Americans, spending the money instead on military equipment the Pentagon has repeatedly said it does not want. Then, poking fun at his own party, he implied that he still believed in the long-discredited Laffer curve, making the assumption that gutting government spending would lead to massive economic growth and higher tax revenues.

“Look, every once in a while we have to have some fun around here,” said Ryan. “I promise I’ll work on a budget that actually makes sense soon.”

House Republicans concede on debt ceiling, surrender chemical weapons

12 Feb

WASHINGTON–ending a tense standoff, the Republican-led House today passed a clean debt ceiling bill and also indicated that it would destroy its stock of chemical arms.

President Obama, who had been poised to order air strikes, was clearly relieved. “Today’s events have shown that diplomacy can work,” he said at a press conference. “Rogue states have learned that we are not afraid to use force in the face of irrational, destructive behavior.”

According to the White House, UN inspectors would arrive within hours to tag and destroy the Republican caucus’s unconventional weapons, including the writing staff for the O’Reilly Factor.

At one point, the media reported that the peace agreement would also require the GOP to turn over several dangerous fanatics it was harboring, but at press time, both Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor were still at large.

Doctors concerned as Paul Ryan demonstrates symptoms of “acute common sense” in budget deal

12 Dec

WASHINGTON—concerns mounted for Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI), once seen as a rising star within the GOP, as medical experts concluded that he was manifesting symptoms of a “profound, possibly terminal case of common sense.”

Doctors first spotted the issue several months ago, when Ryan was appointed to lead budget negotiations with Sen. Patty Murray (D—WA). “Normally, a spell of coherence and rationality lasts several days to a week,” said Dr. David Henhorn, chief of Republican psychiatry at Georgetown University Teaching Hospital. “The normal course of recovery then involves snarky comments, followed by unrealistic demands, finally leading to a full return to narcissistic obstructionism.”

Unfortunately, “Ryan’s case has only gotten worse,” culminating this week in an actual, constructive budget deal “in which both sides give a little and get a little,” said Henhorn, shaking his head gravely.

Congressional Republicans, crestfallen at what could be a terminal case of rationality, sought answers. “I’ve been informed it’s a brain tumor,” said Rep. Ted Yoho (R—FL). Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) had a more sinister explanation, noting that “the Obama-Soviet Kleptocracy has beamed appeasement rays directly into Paul’s brain through transmitters in his fillings.”

Cruz was concerned for other members of the Republican caucus, although not for himself. “Nothing gets by this baby,” he said, pointing to the homemade tinfoil hat on his head.

Obama “sure hopes someone steps up and sorts this mess out”

30 Oct

WASHINGTON—beset by a spying scandal, a disastrous start to health care reform, another looming budget crisis, and continued conflict in the Middle East, President Obama today expressed his strong wish that “someone, you know, take charge and sort all this stuff out.”

Speaking to reporters in the Rose Garden this morning, the President added that he was “pretty irritated that no one is leading on a lot of these issues.” Said Obama, “I mean, it feels like everyone is just sitting around and letting things drift.”

The President’s allies were equally gloomy about the prospect of leadership emerging to resolve the various problems facing the White House and the country as a whole. “I mean, if only there were someone whose job it was to, you know, rally the nation and work with Congress to drive the agenda forward,” said Sen. Harry Reid (D—NV). “That would be really great.”

Obama said he was willing to wait a little longer for someone to start “cracking heads.” He said, “I’m here in my office, waiting for the phone to ring.” He then went on to warn, however, that if no progress was made soon, he would have to express “some serious annoyance” at the situation.

Chastened Congress promises to quickly replace stopgap budget solution with another stopgap budget solution

18 Oct

WASHINGTON—after forging a temporary agreement to end the highly unpopular government shutdown, a humbled Congress promised the American people that “we will do our best to kick the can down the road again for a few months” before the current resolution expires in February.

“We’ve listened to the American people, and they’re tired of these manufactured last-minute crises,” said Speaker John Boehner. “That’s why we’re looking forward to replacing the current short-term budget agreement with another short-term budget agreement at the very last second, early next year.”

Boehner said he would immediately begin fiscal negotiations so that “when we fail and almost default again, at least it will look like we tried.”

Not everyone was happy with the agreement that reopened the government on Thursday. Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said that “once again, Washington is not listening to the American people.” He then went on to describe the “real America,” ignored by the media, where the voting public wants the shutdown to continue, “and everyone rides around on golden ponies.”

Republicans sign budget agreement on deck of the U.S.S. Missouri

16 Oct

TOKYO BAY—the Republican Party today signed an agreement ending the government shutdown and temporarily extending the debt ceiling, as leading Democrats and international representatives looked on.

“Because of events that have developed not necessarily to our advantage, we have accepted the provisions of the White House declaration,” said Speaker John Boehner, as he put his name to the armistice agreement. “This will pave the way for a grand peace for all the generations to come, or at least for a few months.”

Under the terms of the budget agreement, the Democrats have won on Obamacare, taxes, spending, and borrowing. The Republicans won concessions on income verification for health-care subsidies, as well as the right to choose the Soup of the Week in the Congressional mess.

“The deal is less than many of us hoped for, but it’s time for Republicans to unite behind other crucial goals,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “such as ensuring I win my upcoming primary election.”

After the agreement, Boehner convened a closed-door meeting of the House Republican caucus, at which a stormy debate led to a narrow victory for French Onion, followed closely by minestrone.

New Republican plan: Jesus to resolve shutdown

14 Oct

WASHINGTON–with the voting public increasingly blaming them for the government shutdown, and with no obvious compromise on the horizon, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives today announced their new plan, which is for Jesus to return, abolish Obamacare, and re-open the government.

“The Bible tells us that the Lord will provide,” said Rep. Matt Salmon (R–AZ). “The way I see it, that means we can blunder around without a plan of any kind and paint ourselves into a corner, and Jesus will eventually come bail us out.”

Rep. Ted Yoho (R–FL) confirmed that the GOP had broken off negotiations over the budget and the debt ceiling, deciding instead to “put our faith in Jesus,” waiting for him to return and “lay the smack down” on the White House. “Jesus definitely has our back on this one,” explained Yoho. “If there’s one thing he hates, it’s caring for the poor and the sick.”

When asked if there was a backup plan, just in case Jesus failed to intervene in the budget dispute, Yoho grew visibly angry. “Did Moses have a backup plan?” he asked, face crimson. “Did the disciples? Are you saying you don’t believe?”

Asked whether he was seeking any kind of divine intervention to resolve the shutdown, President Obama thought for a moment. “I think thirty or forty lightning bolts might help,” he finally said.

Obama warns of “rampant privacy” if shutdown continues

10 Oct

WASHINGTON—in some of his starkest language yet, President Obama today warned that America faced an “outbreak of rampant privacy” if the government shutdown continues, keeping government employees from reading private emails and listening to phone calls.

“One week into the shutdown, American citizens are already able to speak with their loved ones with relative confidence that the government is not listening in,” said Obama in a speech before the National Press Club. “If this continues, soon everyone will be free from intrusive surveillance.”

Obama quickly hastened to add, “except people who look Middle Eastern, of course.”

Republicans, chastened, quickly offered to pass a bill that would fund only drones, wiretapping, email monitoring, and six classified activities collectively known only as “The Big One.” In exchange, they asked that Obama partially roll back the new medical-device tax, convene a blue-ribbon commission to discuss the deficit, and also resign in disgrace and move to a small Alaskan fishing village, never to be heard from again.

House GOP burns down local restaurant after favorite soup dropped from menu

8 Oct

WASHINGTON—saying that “the time for compromise is over,” leading Tea Party Republicans today burned down Eileen’s, a well-known Capitol Hill diner, after the proprietors dropped navy bean soup from the menu.

“It’s time Bert Flanagan listened to the people,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R—VA), holding an empty gasoline can. “And the thirty people you see standing here with me, we like navy bean soup.”

Before the arson attack, Flanagan tried to reason with the angry representatives, explaining that his supplier of navy beans had gone out of business, and offering instead to cook them black bean soup, or “whatever kind of soup you want.”

Flanagan’s offer was too little, too late. “Some people in Washington think they can do whatever they want, just because they own something, or were elected by a majority of voters, or that sort of thing,” said Rep. Justin Amash (R—MI). “I’m here to tell you that conservative primary voters in safe Republican seats don’t agree.”

The burning of Eileen’s was the second Tea Party arson attack this week. On Saturday, Rep. Marlin Stutzman (R—IN) set fire to a local barbershop after they “used this weird-smelling aftershave” without consulting him first.

Brave Congress stands up to cowardly voters

30 Sep

WASHINGTON—declaring “this is no time for retreat,” Congressional leaders today took a courageous stand against the “pusillanimous public” who don’t want to shut down the government because of ObamaCare.

“It’s time Washington, DC, listened to what the American people are saying,” said Sen. Ted Cruz, haranguing a confused barista at the Starbucks on Wisconsin Avenue. “Except for the majority of them that voted for Barack Obama, of course.”

Over the weekend, the House and the Senate continued on their collision course. At press time, the Senate was still reportedly refusing to accept the House’s compromise budget, under which the government would keep operating in exchange for a one-year delay in health-care reform, a reduction in the top income-tax rate, and the right of every red-blooded American to slap Barack Obama in the face and call him a Communist.

The Senate was not scheduled to act on a budget bill until Monday afternoon, when Ted Cruz plans to complete his marathon nineteen-hour breakfast order at the Capitol Hill IHOP, which follows closely upon the heels of his eleven-hour explanation of the Cowboys’ run defense on Sunday.

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