Tag Archives: bush

Jeb Bush keeps promise to lose the primary in order to win the general election

3 Nov

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—appearing under a banner reading “Promises Made, Promises Kept,” Jeb Bush today announced proudly that he was on track to fulfil his campaign pledge of losing the primary in order to win the general election.

“I’ve been rock-steady on this since day one,” said Bush. “We need to be willing to stay in the political center and lose the primary in order to win swing voters during the general election. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

Bush went on to hold up a large chart showing his to-do list during the primary. “Lose the debates–check. Fall behind in the polls–check. Lose donors and endorsements–underway,” he said. “Now we’re working on these right here,” he added, pointing to two bullet points labelled “Lose in Iowa and New Hampshire” and “Drop out of race.”

Although he was careful not to appear smug, it was obvious to the crowd that Bush was feeling pretty pleased with progress to date. “We just need to get to the convention without enough delegates for the nomination, and then we’re all set for victory in the general election,” he explained.

A promise not to make the same mistake as John McCain and Mitt Romney

Jeb Bush on defensive over grandfather’s leadership of Yale Glee Club

20 Oct

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—Jeb Bush, already under fire for the September 11 attacks during his brother’s presidency, faced a new round of criticism over the weekend.

“Prescott Bush was the president of the Yale Glee Club in 1917,” said Donald Trump in a prepared statement. “Have you ever heard a glee club? It’s awful.” Trump went on to demand that Jeb Bush “take full accountability” for his grandfather’s role in founding and supporting the Yale Glee Club up until his death in 1972.

Surprisingly, the Bush campaign seems not to have anticipated this obvious line of attack, and for the first two days after Trump’s statement wavered between disavowing Prescott Bush’s fondness for show tunes and defending him. Finally, Jeb settled on declaring that Prescott Bush’s leadership of the Yale Glee Club “kept us safe, except for World War I, which was also happening at the same time, but was definitely not his fault.”

Anticipating further Trump attacks on the Bush family, Jeb also went out of his way to defend Prescott Bush’s grandfather, James Smith Bush, for his failure to prevent the Chincha Islands War between Spain and Chile in 1864-5.

“Although James Smith Bush witnessed the shelling of Valparaiso, Chile, from the deck of the USS Monadnock, and was unable to do anything, the important point is that he kept us safe, except for the American Civil War that was going on at the same time, which happened on his watch but really wasn’t his fault,” said Bush.

prescott bush
Prescott Bush cutting loose at a Yale Glee Club afterparty

Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton agree to skip ahead to the general election

12 Aug

WASHINGTON—while the Republican and Democratic primary processes have several months to run, Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton have reached an agreement to “skip all of that stuff” and kick off the general election, according to a joint statement released today by both campaigns.

“While we realize that selecting a party’s nominee for the presidency is one of the most important rights and duties of American citizens,” the statement read, “we all know how this thing is going to end, right? It’s not like you really have any choice in the matter. So can we just get on with it?

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign explained that “while there will be all these ups and downs and manufactured crises” over the next nine months, “Jeb and Hillary agree that the nominations of each party are too important to be left to voters,” and that it would be better for everyone to just get moving.

Under the terms of the agreement, Bush and Clinton will start attacking each other immediately and ignoring their “so-called rivals” for the nomination.

Said a spokesman for Jeb Bush, “we know the primary has to continue, but, I mean…come on.”

Suspicions that Bush was not taking the primary campaign entirely seriously began to emerge during the first Republican debate, when he was seen playing Angry Birds 2 while Rand Paul argued with Chris Christie.
It would be really nice if Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush would appear on stage together, soon, so that we can stop using stupid split photos like this one.

Jeb Bush enters presidential race; withdraws 45 minutes later, citing weak support

15 Jun

TALLAHASSEE–promising to “lead America to a brighter future,” former Gov. Jeb Bush (R–FL) today entered the race for the 2016 Republican nomination. After a tumultuous afternoon that saw difficulties raising funds, bad press, and several difficult interviews, he then announced his withdrawal from the race, saying that “while the road has been hard, we have gotten our message across,” and pledging to support the party in November.

Bush’s exit came as no surprise to pundits, many of whom had noted that the campaign had struggled to gain traction in recent weeks. “He wasn’t getting the support he needed,” said former Speaker Newt Gingrinch, “and we all knew it was just a matter of time until he pulled out. I was pleased to be able to watch almost an entire episode of True Detective before I had to switch back to his concession speech.”

Bush blamed his campaign’s failure on a number of factors, but cited one issue in particular that he had been unable to surmount. “At the end of the day, it turned out that no one really wanted me to be president,” he said, in a judgment that will be hard to dispute.

Bush’s exit may clear the way for other candidates to gain more attention, such as former Gov. Rick Perry (R–TX), who sources say will roll out a new slogan tomorrow, “Still not convicted of any felonies.”

 Jeb Bush looking reflective after conceding defeat in his bid for the Republican nomination. 

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