Tag Archives: business

In historic shift, new Microsoft Windows upgrade will break your computer for free

29 Jul

REDMOND, Washington—in a radical change to Microsoft’s business model, the company today released Windows 10 as a free upgrade.

“Instead of charging you $99 or more to mess up your computer and have to roll back the installation, we’re now going to do it for free,” said a Microsoft spokesman. “You’re welcome.”
Windows 10 replaces Windows 7 and 8. It includes new features such as mysterious crashes of Internet Explorer, a confusing new way of organizing your files, and a sort-of-but-not-really tablet-style interface.

“It also loads significantly slower,” said the spokesman.

According to industry experts, the company had originally planned to release Windows 9 late last year, but changed its mind when the product tested poorly in focus groups, apparently because all it did was cause your computer to catch on fire.

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Microsoft “put a lot more design thinking” into the look-and-feel of the Windows 10 blue screen of death

Verizon to acquire AOL for $4.4 billion, because you can’t go wrong merging with AOL

12 May

NEW YORK—Verizon Communications announced today that it would acquire AOL for $4.4 billion in cash, cementing its position as the largest firm combining telecommunications and whatever it is exactly that AOL does these days.

“I can’t imagine any large merger involving AOL possibly going wrong,” said Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon. “This deal shows that we are prepared to tackle all the digital challenges of the twentieth century.”

McAdam went on to say that while the purchase price of $4.4 billion looked significant, AOL brought “real, hard assets” to the table, such as an inventory of almost two billion CD-ROM disks containing Windows-95-compatible AOL software. “We think they’re being held on the balance sheet well below fair value.”

Analysts were strongly supportive of the deal. “AOL is solid gold, and I think anyone in any industry would be lucky to get their hands on it,” said Dhruv Gupta, telecommunications and CD-ROM disk analyst at Merrill Lynch. “Nothing says cutting-edge like an aol.com email address.”

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Lowell McAdam, one of the most exciting and dynamic CEOs of a US large telecommunications conglomerate

Announcing…the Twissblog Prize!

29 Apr

Friends! As part of our relentless promotion of excellence in journalism, the editorial board of Twissblog is pleased to announce the enormously prestigious TWISSBLOG PRIZE.

The Twissblog Prize will be awarded to any journalist writing for The New York Times or The Wall Street Journal who publishes an article in 2015 meeting all of the following criteria:

– At least one thousand words long
– Primarily about a woman active in politics or business with whom readers are probably not familiar (e.g. not Hillary Clinton)
– Does not mention whether she is married or has children
– Does not mention her appearance or clothing

By our staff’s count, there have been no recipients of the Twissblog Prize so far this year. There have been, however, at least two hundred winners in the “writing about men” division.

Winners of the Twissblog Prize will receive undying fame and fortune and a not terribly generous cash prize.

While the hundreds of paid employees of Twissblog will be assiduously reading the Times every day searching for winners, we encourage our readers to nominate recipients in the comments below.

Signed,

The Twissblog Prize Committee

Anonymous bidder pays $3 million for first Superman comic; hopeful it will finally help him meet girls

26 Aug

SEATTLE–after several days of spirited bidding, an anonymous buyer paid $3.2 million for a mint-condition copy of Action Comics No. 1, the first Superman comic. The bidder, who apparently made his money in technology, expressed confidence that his new comic book “would finally help him meet girls.”

“I figure I’ve got pretty much everything else–all the rare Lord of the Rings action figures, historic circuitboards dating back to the 1970s–so this must be the last piece of the puzzle,” explained the buyer. “Now that I’ve finally got Action Comics No. 1–hello, ladies.”

He explained that the comic book would be displayed in a room he was specially constructing in his Bay Area home, a large Tudor-style mansion that at great expense has been built in his mother’s basement. “It’s just convenient, having her right there,” he explained.

General Motors introduces new tagline: “You’ll probably be okay”

24 Mar

DETROIT–Mary Barra, the CEO of General Motors, unveiled the company’s newest advertising campaign today, featuring what she described as a “catchy” new tagline: “You’ll probably survive driving one of these.”

The ads feature drivers pulling into parking spaces, getting out of their cars, and calling their loved ones to report that they are still alive.

The new campaign responds to revelations that several GM models were prone to engine cutoffs and failure to deploy airbags if the ignition keys were weighted down by a heavy keychain. Also, many of the cars would explode in a giant fireball if sneezed upon, or looked at funny.

Barra has won cautious praise for remaining upbeat about GM’s prospects while also apologizing knowingly sending dozens of people to their deaths. She has said that, pending repairs, all of the cars are completely safe as long as drivers remove the ignition key from their key rings, discard the key, and then park the cars deep underground in abandoned salt mines.

Mt. Gox finds 200,000 of the missing Bitcoins in its sock drawer

22 Mar

TOKYO–Mark Karpeles, chief executive of the bankrupt Bitcoin exchange Mt. Gox, confirmed yesterday that he had found 200,000 of the 750,000 Bitcoins that mysteriously disappeared last month.

“I could have sworn I’d looked in that drawer, like, ten times already,” said Karpeles at a press conference here. “But somehow they were right there, next to a pile of old batteries.”

Karpeles’ mother, Gladys, interrupted the press conference at this point to observe that her son was sometimes a “knucklehead” and that she wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the Bitcoins were “down in the basement with his old Dungeons and Dragons cards.”

“Mom, please, those cards are from Magic: the Gathering, and they’re really valuable,” said Karpeles. “Please stop embarrassing me.”

Rival Bitcoin exchanges cited the discovery of further proof that Mt. Gox had been run in an amateur fashion. “Nothing like our fully professional operation here,” said David Dryden, CEO of BitChange, standing in front of BitChange’s global headquarters in the band room, where he was meeting his executive team before gym class.

Hobbits climb Mt. Gox; throw 750,000 bitcoins into Cracks of Doom

26 Feb

MORDOR, Tx—the titanic struggle between light and dark took a dramatic turn today as Frodo Baggins successfully climbed Mt. Gox and threw 6% of the world’s bitcoin supply into the Cracks of Doom. The mountain immediately went offline and received an FBI subpoena.

“It’s a surprising outcome for all of us,” said Cameron, or perhaps Tyler, Winklevoss, who had been marching towards Mordor at the head of his Army of Douches. “Nevertheless, I still think bitcoin is a brilliant investment for everyone. And you should listen to me, because of my long track record of shrewd business decisions.”

It was unclear to experts how exactly 750,000 bitcoins, which are supposed to be indestructible and are purely digital, had simply vanished on Mt. Gox. Concerns immediately spread among vendors of comic books, weird sci-fi costumes, and fake lightsabers.

“Everything is absolutely fine,” said Mark Karpeles, smiling calmly as he stood in front of the Mt. Gox building, which was on fire and being attacked by some kind of demon lizard. “I’m sure everybody’s money is perfectly safe.”

Facebook buys some dude with a fax machine for $146 billion

20 Feb

MENLO PARK, CA—shocking the tech world with another bold acquisition, Facebook today acquired SuperChat, a startup described on its web page as “some dude with a fax machine” who creates doodles and then faxes them to random numbers around the world.

“SuperChat is the logical next step in our strategy of overpaying for tiny businesses with no revenue,” said Mark Zuckerberg in a statement. “Let no one question our commitment to enabling pointless time-wasting communications between strangers.”

The founder and sole employee of SuperChat, fourteen-year-old Mike McDermott of Mountain View, CA, seemed to take the deal with equanimity.

“I’ve been doing this for literally weeks, and I expect to keep doing it for weeks longer,” said McDermott. “Having enough money to build a supervillain secret-volcano lair doesn’t really change anything, except for the fact that I’ll have a supervillain secret-volcano lair.”

Analysts applauded the move. “One thing we know in the social-media space is that you have to keep moving,” said a report from UBS. “Random, value-destroying acquisitions show that Facebook isn’t going to get stale any time soon.”

NFL commissioner paid $44 million, “because it’s just so darn hard to get people to watch football”

15 Feb

NEW YORK–the National Football League yesterday filed paperwork showing that Commissioner Roger Goodell earned 44.2 million dollars, making him among the highest-paid executives of any organization in America, and by far the highest-paid leader of a not-for-profit organization.

“Roger deserves every penny,” said Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and member of the committee that sets Goodell’s compensation. “We all know that football has struggled for years to get any cultural traction in the United States, and without him, I doubt anyone would be watching the game at all.”

Kraft went on to list some of Goodell’s more impressive accomplishments as commissioner, which include “Margarita Mondays” at league headquarters and the decision not really to do anything about the concussion crisis, the Miami Dolphins bullying case, or indeed, anything else.

“History shows us that when an organization has been extremely successful for many years, the best thing to do is take your eye off the ball and let things drift for a while,” said Goodell in a statement, wearing a suit sewn out of money. “I have no intention of changing anything now.”

McDonald’s recommends its employees travel back in time, shop at 1920s prices

5 Dec

NEW YORK—as fast-food workers struck today, seeking higher wages, McDonald’s suggested that its minimum-wage employees “stretch their dollars further” by inventing a time machine, travelling back to 1926, and taking advantage of the “fantastic low prices” available almost one hundred years ago.

“Imagine buying a brand new suit—for only twenty dollars!” reads the “tip of the day” on McDonald’s internal website for employees. “Filling up? How does four cents per gallon sound?”

The website includes a sample household budget that “conclusively proves” that a minimum-wage salary of $290 per week is “more than enough” to support a family of four, “once you’ve managed to travel through a wormhole back to the Coolidge administration.”

The website was sketchy on details as to how it expected its workers to travel through time. It did, however, note that “it’s very possible that your future self, who already has access to time-travel technology, may be on its way to you at this very moment.”

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