Tag Archives: Canada

Canada elects some Canadian guy as president

21 Oct

CANADA CITY, Canada—in a surprising rebuke to the other guy, Canadian voters went to the polls recently and elected some Canadian dude as president.

“I am honoured that the Canadian voters have chosen me to rule this great state,” said the guy, who was definitely not Wayne Gretzky or Justin Bieber. “Together, we will make things better for all Canadians, with plenty of health care, and ice, and polar bears.” He went on to announce that he had received congratulatory messages from all of Canada’s neighbors, including America, North Canada, and the Yukon.

The campaign pitted all two or three or four Canadian parties against each other. The incumbent Conservation Party, which was running on a platform of environmental conservation, we assume, and probably also health care, and generally being polite, were ousted by the challengers, the Democratic National Liberal Democrats, who also seemed awfully polite.

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Long lines formed at polling stations throughout Canadia

Scott Walker drops out of presidential race, creating fears that US-Canadian border will be left undefended

22 Sep

ANTLER, North Dakota—for the past twenty-four hours, nervous residents of this small town only two miles from Canada have been stocking up on guns, ammunition, and night-vision goggles. The flurry of activity comes on the heels of Scott Walker ending his presidential campaign—and with it, the last candidate from either party willing to take on the never-ending flow of dangerous Canadians streaming across the border.

“Scott was the only one with the guts to stand up and say we need a giant wall to keep these moose-loving, health-care-providing criminals out,” said Matt Spanjers, who was working behind the counter at Tennyson’s Garage. “You come back five years from now, it’s all going to be poutine and Molson’s here. No room for Americans left in their own country.”

Walker’s promise to build a wall across the Canadian border was widely considered an overreaction to Donald Trump’s promise to build a wall along the border with Mexico, but Spanjers, who has been organizing citizen militias to patrol the border, knows better. “Scott knew those Canadians were up to something. It’s quiet up there–too quiet.”

Not everyone was sorry to see Walker’s candidacy end. ISIS sent out a triumphant tweet, expressing its relief that “we won’t have to suffer the same tactics Gov. Walker used against Wisconsin’s public-sector unions,” a pledge he made in the first Republican debate in August.

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The American flag still flies above the Antler Fire Department–for now.

Volkswagen emissions-control software discovered when it used its real name on Ashley Madison

21 Sep

WOLFSBURG, Germany—in a crisis that threatens the entire company, Volkswagen’s emissions-control software was discovered to have been cheating. The cheating was discovered as a result of the hack of the website Ashley Madison, where the software apparently kept four separate profiles, all registered to its work address.

“I can’t tell you how ashamed I am to have let you all down,” the designer of the so-called “defeat device” said in a press conference yesterday. “There is no excuse for my actions, and I ask the press to respect our privacy as the EPA and I try to rebuild our relationship.”

On Ashley Madison, according to the information recently released as part of the hack of the infidelity website, the defeat device went primarily by the handle “2big4U” and listed its turn-ons as “roleplay, spanking, and selectively changing the fuel mix in diesel combustion.”

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized for “poor judgment” and vowed to do “everything he could” to make things right, “short of going to jail, or paying a fine that would have a material impact on our company, or on me personally.”

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One of the many nude engine photos the defeat device apparently exchanged on Ashley Madison

Rob Ford’s brother to run for Toronto mayor, pledging to be leader “for all different kinds of drugs, not just crack”

13 Sep

TORONTO–responding to the public’s overwhelming demand for more members of the Ford family to be involved in Toronto politics, Doug Ford today announced that he would run for mayor of the city. In his press conference, he promised a departure from his brother Rob’s approach to leadership, saying that he would “be the leader for all different kinds of drugs,” eschewing Rob’s focus just on crack cocaine and alcohol.

“For too long, this city’s leadership has neglected heroin, crystal meth, prescription painkillers, even simple weed,” said Doug Ford to a capacity crowd of reporters who had come to laugh at him. “I promise to be filmed in a much wider variety of compromising positions going forward.”

Rob Ford said that with a heavy heart, he was not going to run for re-election. “I wish I didn’t have to choose between my two great loves, being mayor and smoking crack,” he said. “But if I’m going to pursue my lifelong dream of being strung out pretty much 24/7, then I think the city council is a better place for me.”

Rob Ford will be running for council in a district that his nephew has agreed to vacate in order to pursue his own personal dream of sitting around and doing not very much.

Rob Ford asks voters not to make him choose between politics and crack

2 May

TORONTO—embattled Mayor Rob Ford today pleaded with his constituents “not to make me choose between my two great loves, politics and crack.” He said he was hoping instead for some sort of agreement that will let him run the city during the week, and then get high on the weekends, and also during the week.

Ford’s plea comes after another video surfaced of him smoking crack, this one made last Saturday. While asking for forgiveness, Ford also lashed out at the source of the video, noting that “when someone does crack in the stands at a Blue Jays game, he should have a reasonable expectation of privacy.”

While no mechanism exists to remove Ford from office before an election this fall, the Toronto city council has slightly altered the role of mayor, changing Ford’s duties from governing the city to standing on the outskirts of town, waving at motorists as they arrive and leave. “He hasn’t even been doing that too well,” said a spokesman.

GOP demands Obama one-up Putin by invading Canada

5 Mar

WASHINGTON–as pressure mounts on Obama to do something about Russia’s seizure of the Crimean peninsula, the Republican Party has united around the suggestion that President Obama invade and occupy a portion of Canada, “to show that we can do it too.”

“Right now, Putin’s holding all the cards,” said Sen. John McCain (R–AZ). “He thinks he’s the only one who can invade a friendly neighboring country with impunity. Well, let’s show him we can do that, and more.”

McCain suggested that either Newfoundland or Nova Scotia would be good places to start. “Canada would hardly miss them,” he explained, “and they’d look good in a CNN special graphic.”

The White House later issued a statement saying that it was considering either “launching a massive military response” against Russia or, as a backup plan, “basically doing nothing.”

After the invasion threat, Canada attempted to put its military forces on highest alert, but apparently he was off camping with his family.

Trey Radel resigns from Congress to run for mayor of Toronto

27 Jan

WASHINGTON—Rep. Trey Radel (R—FL) announced today that he is resigning from Congress to fulfil his lifelong dream of “getting involved in Toronto politics.”

The surprising announcement from the 37-year-old freshman was unexpected and was in no way whatsoever prompted by any other news that people might or might not have heard, explained an aide.

The decision seemed to have put Radel in an uncharacteristically ebullient mood, and at the press conference he was speaking extremely loudly and quickly.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am about this next phase of my life,” said Radel. “I feel like I’ve already started it, to tell you the truth

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