Tag Archives: cars

Volkswagen apologizes again for emissions scandal, calling it “absolutely the most embarrassing thing in our history, definitely without any exceptions”

25 Sep

WOLFSBURG, Germany—Matthias Müller, the newly appointed CEO of Volkswagen, apologized again for the emissions-cheating scandal, calling it “absolutely the most dark and embarrassing era in our company history, absolutely.”

“We all feel just terrible about this,” said Müller. “Believe me when I say at no point whatsoever in our, whatever it is, 70-ish-year corporate history is there anything else like this that we should feel as ashamed about.”

A quick search on Google where twissblog investigative reporters decided to not scroll down past the first result confirmed Müller’s story.

“I can’t imagine what could be worse than this, and neither can you,” he added.

Ferdinand Porsche, one of the early leaders of Volkswagen, with some totally ordinary Germans, obviously none of whom are in any kind of uniform or anything, just regular people, probably.

Volkswagen emissions-control software discovered when it used its real name on Ashley Madison

21 Sep

WOLFSBURG, Germany—in a crisis that threatens the entire company, Volkswagen’s emissions-control software was discovered to have been cheating. The cheating was discovered as a result of the hack of the website Ashley Madison, where the software apparently kept four separate profiles, all registered to its work address.

“I can’t tell you how ashamed I am to have let you all down,” the designer of the so-called “defeat device” said in a press conference yesterday. “There is no excuse for my actions, and I ask the press to respect our privacy as the EPA and I try to rebuild our relationship.”

On Ashley Madison, according to the information recently released as part of the hack of the infidelity website, the defeat device went primarily by the handle “2big4U” and listed its turn-ons as “roleplay, spanking, and selectively changing the fuel mix in diesel combustion.”

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized for “poor judgment” and vowed to do “everything he could” to make things right, “short of going to jail, or paying a fine that would have a material impact on our company, or on me personally.”


One of the many nude engine photos the defeat device apparently exchanged on Ashley Madison

General Motors introduces new tagline: “You’ll probably be okay”

24 Mar

DETROIT–Mary Barra, the CEO of General Motors, unveiled the company’s newest advertising campaign today, featuring what she described as a “catchy” new tagline: “You’ll probably survive driving one of these.”

The ads feature drivers pulling into parking spaces, getting out of their cars, and calling their loved ones to report that they are still alive.

The new campaign responds to revelations that several GM models were prone to engine cutoffs and failure to deploy airbags if the ignition keys were weighted down by a heavy keychain. Also, many of the cars would explode in a giant fireball if sneezed upon, or looked at funny.

Barra has won cautious praise for remaining upbeat about GM’s prospects while also apologizing knowingly sending dozens of people to their deaths. She has said that, pending repairs, all of the cars are completely safe as long as drivers remove the ignition key from their key rings, discard the key, and then park the cars deep underground in abandoned salt mines.

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