Tag Archives: carson

Growing scrutiny over Ben Carson’s claims to have been 3rd man on the moon, defeated SPECTRE

9 Nov

DES MOINES, Iowa–Ben Carson’s presidential campaign came under further scrutiny today as fact-checkers questioned several additional elements of his biography.

 

“We’ve looked at the plans of the Apollo 11 spacecraft, and we’re now starting to seriously wonder whether there was even room for a fourth person to ‘hide away where the other guys couldn’t see me,’ as Carson claims,” said NASA spokesman Bill Rawlings. “We’re not totally ruling it out, but it’s kind of a stretch.”

 
In another blow, co-producers of the James Bond franchise Barbara Broccoli and Michael Wilson released a statement that “we have no evidence of Carson’s involvement in Bond’s ongoing battle against the supernational crime organization SPECTRE.” Broccoli went on to note that SPECTRE is a fictional organization, and that “watching all the movies again, we still haven’t seen Carson fighting side-by-side with Sean Connery, not even in the outtakes.”

 
The Carson campaign released a detailed point-by-point rebuttal, noting that many of the people raising troubling questions about Carson’s veracity are “poopyheads” and that many of them “are probably big liars themselves.” A spokesman went on to ask “what’s more important to you in a candidate–experience and veracity, or being really rude to the president at a prayer breakfast?”

 
At press time, the NFL was reviewing footage of Super Bowl XXI to determine whether Giants quarterback Phil Simms actually left at halftime and was replaced by a mystery man whose face was never quite visible on camera.

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Ben Carson compares having to pay for postage to slavery

26 Oct

DES MOINES–speaking at a rally here, presidential candidate Ben Carson today compared the federal government’s requirement that Americans buy stamps in order to mail letters “just like slavery.”

“It used to be oppression with whips and chains and dogs,” said Carson. “And now it’s just the same, except instead of abuse and murder, it’s the forcible exchange of sixty cents for a regular-sized envelope.”

Carson went on to compare the leaders of the Postal Service to the Nazi high command, and Postmaster General Megan Brennan to Hitler.

“People may say I’m exaggerating, but I say that you can’t possibly exaggerate when you’re defending the freedoms our soldiers have died to protect,” said Carson. “And if you don’t think that our so-called postal system is just a way of keeping hardworking Americans in chains, then you’ve obviously never tried to mail a dozen thank-you notes when you only have five dollars in your pocket.”

Carson went on to note other forms of modern oppression that he thinks are just as bad as slavery, including yield signs, perfume samples inside men’s magazines, and Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Latte. 

 Postage is never mentioned in the Bible.

Trump attacks Ben Carson, saying “brain surgery isn’t exactly rocket science”

31 Aug

DES MOINES–surprised by a poll showing that Ben Carson had pulled even with him among Iowa Republicans, Donald Trump launched a major attack today, questioning Carson’s patriotism, hard work, and intelligence.

“Everyone talks about how smart Ben Carson must be, because he’s a doctor,” said Trump, speaking to a crowd of supporters. “But I hear neurosurgery is, like, the easiest kind of surgery.”

Trump went on to note that Carson claimed not to be “a creature of Washington,” but noted that Carson had “visited the Capitol on a field trip” in the sixth grade.

Carson’s surge comes as the Republican Party looks for an alternative to Trump. The doctor is generally seen as a more reliable champion of standard conservative positions, like considering Obamacare tantamount to a Nazi coup, supporting sexual molestation of women seeking abortions, and preparing to defend Idaho against an invasion by the United Nations.

The latest poll showed Carson and Trump exactly tied in Iowa with 23% support. On a hair-adjusted basis, however, Trump led, 33-18.

  
“Those glasses probably aren’t even prescription,” said Trump

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