Tag Archives: catholic

Vatican reveals Pope Francis met with Kim Davis, attended Confederate flag rally, robbed liquor store

30 Sep

ROME—in a surprising turn of events, the Vatican confirmed today that Pope Francis met with noted anti-human-rights activist Kim Davis during his recent trip. In addition, he attended a Confederate flag rally, ran over an old lady with the Popemobile, and robbed two liquor stores in downtown Washington, D.C.

“His Holiness believes in respecting the power of civil disobedience,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Also, he just likes to raise hell.”

Many Americans who admire Francis were shocked to learn of his many previously undisclosed activities. “I really like what Francis says about focusing on charity and compassion,” said David Richter, a bartender in New York. “That’s why I was so surprised when he ducked into our place, grabbed the tip jar, and ran.”

The Vatican justified the decision to meet with Davis, explaining that “the Holy Father believes we should all stand up for our conscience.” A spokesman went on to add that “in the case of Kim Davis, also, he just sort of thought it would be a hoot.”



Catholic hierarchy worried that Pope Francis will “endanger core values of bigotry”

20 Sep

ROME–shortly after Pope Francis’s interview in which he made clear his intention to de-emphasize homophobia and anti-abortion rhetoric in Church teachings, senior Catholic leaders around the world warned that “soon, our cherished traditions of bigotry may be no more than a footnote” in doctrine.

“First, we lost anti-Semitism. Then racism fell by the wayside. It looks like homophobia and misogyny may be next. Who will be left for us to fear and hate?” asked Archbishop Pietro Dellascagni of Milan.

American Catholics were particularly concerned. “If Jesus wanted us to have compassion and mercy for our fellow man, then why isn’t there any of that stuff in the Bible?” said Bishop Ted Flanagan of Madison, Wisconsin. “I think we ignore the Scriptural emphasis on school-board elections at our peril.”

Anti-abortion activists were particularly scathing. “The Catholic Church has always taught that each and every human life is sacred,” said Operation Rescue captain Danny Laskers, stepping over a comatose homeless man on the street in order to hurl abuse at a woman entering a Planned Parenthood in Baton Rouge. “All this blah-blah-blah about the sick, the poor, the hungry–where is he getting this garbage?”

Francis had no comment. Sources said that, in an effort to live even more like an everyday person, he was spending the day moving out of the spartan hostel where he currently lives into a Motel 6 just outside Nashville and getting a job as a greeter at the Walmart just outside town.

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