Tag Archives: celebrity

Oscar Pistorius testifies that he thought 130-pound blond rodent was in his bathroom

8 Apr

JOHANNESBURG—Oscar Pistorius testified in his murder trial yesterday that he accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp thinking she was an “enormous but extremely attractive rat” that had somehow locked itself in his bathroom.

“I figured, a critter that size, you don’t want it chewing up the plumbing,” said Pistorius. He also expressed his concern that the rat might create bullet-sized holes in his expensive bathroom door.

Skeptics noted that Pistorius has changed his story a few times, initially claiming that he thought a “super-hot robber” had broken into his house.

Before that, he told investigators that he and Steenkamp had been working on “a really cool magic trick” that hadn’t panned out as hoped.

The trial has recently been caught up in procedural maneuvering, as the defense team has sought to throw out most of the prosecution’s evidence on the grounds “it would make our client look guilty.”

Growing optimism at Syria peace talks that Justin Bieber “will learn from DUI”

24 Jan

GENEVA–after a contentious start, the Syrian peace talks here grew significantly more optimistic yesterday, with negotiators from both the government and the opposition hopeful that Justin Bieber “will take the right lessons from his DUI arrest” and straighten his ways, according to one participant.

While there has been no movement on the underlying issues fueling the Syrian civil war, including ethnic and religious strife that has led to more than 100,000 deaths, there was nonetheless growing confidence that “Bieber is just starting the next phase of his career,” in the words of opposition commander Ibrahim Salwaar.

Government officials shared this view. President Bashar Assad noted in a tweet that “Justin #Bieber will use DUI 2 learn and grow 4eva #secondchances,” although he also then warned that his army would create a “sea of blood” in fighting outside Aleppo.

“Look, at the end of the day, we’re united by our common humanity, and the desire to see Justin stay on the straight and narrow,” said Secretary of State John Kerry, sporting a new Bieber-inspired haircut. “This can only be good news.”

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