Tag Archives: China

Chinese government accepts all protestor demands, except democracy, free speech, and change of any kind

7 Oct

HONG KONG–in a sweeping step forward, the government of China today announced that it would accept virtually all of the demands of the thousands of protestors who have been blocking the streets here for the last few weeks, with only a handful of reservations.

“I am pleased to announce that we have reached an agreement with the leaders of the demonstrations,” said a government spokesman. “We think we can give them everything they’re asking for, except for an expanded franchise, free nomination of executive candidates, an end to mandatory Party affiliations, the elimination of travel and currency controls, unfiltered Internet, press freedom, reform of state-owned-enterprises, educational reform, an end to land confiscations, and term limits.”

The spokesman noted that starting immediately, Hong Kong would be reinstituting Triple-Stamp Tuesdays at Starbucks throughout the autonomous region, enabling citizens to receive a free small latte after the purchase of as few as four large coffees.

“It’s practical quality-of-life measures like these that will drive change at the local level,” said one protest leader, speaking from an undisclosed location via videoconference, with highly dilated pupils and copious drooling. “We support the government one hundred percent all the time forever,” he added, just before receiving an injection of healthful natural vitamins.

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Malaysian government can’t remember where it wrote down coordinates of missing jet

21 Mar

KUALA LUMPUR–the search area for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet narrowed considerably when the government admitted today that it had a Post-It Note with the exact crash coordinates written on it.

“Apparently we received a satellite transmission with the precise location where the plane hit the water,” said a spokesman for the Malaysian Ministry of Aviation Safety and Volleyball. “But I wrote it down on a Post-It and just forgot I had it. Sorry about that!”

A multinational task force immediately swung into action off Australia’s western coast. “As usual, the initial focus will be on taking photographs of people staring out of helicopter windows at the water,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “Later, we will redeploy those people to the actual search area.”

As the search headed into its third week at the same time as the Crimean crisis continues, the American news media found itself desperately hoping that a celebrity would commit a major crime. “I mean, come on,” said Matt Lauer. “What’s next, some multilateral trade agreement? We need some A-list mug shots, and we need them now.”

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GOP on missing jet: two passengers were signed up for Obamacare

11 Mar

BEIJING—the mystery surrounding the disappearance of the Malaysia Airlines jet over the weekend took a sinister turn today, as Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) revealed that two of the passengers on board had recently signed up for insurance under the Affordable Care Act.

“Although we cannot prove that this tragedy was caused by the White House’s misguided efforts at health-care reform, the math doesn’t lie,” said Cruz at a combined Tea Party/lobotomy convention. “Experts have said that the probability of two people getting Obamacare insurance and boarding a plane, and then having that plane crash, is less than one in a million.”

Cruz said it would be inappropriate to speculate on the exact mechanism by which health insurance could have caused the disaster, but noted that “crash” and “healthcare.gov” had appeared together in news articles more than ten thousand times in the last six months. “Everywhere we look, we see the President’s fingerprints on this,” he added.

In related news, the White House offered its condolences to the families of those presumed dead on the missing jet. “What makes this tragedy even worse,” said spokesman Jay Carney, “is that one of those passengers was supposed to make the final decision on the Keystone XL pipeline.”

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Authorities accidentally divert Chinese internet and vehicular traffic to Wyoming

23 Jan

CHEYENNE, Wisconsin–confusion reigned here today as, only hours after Chinese censors sent the country’s internet traffic here, Chinese police sent the country’s regular traffic here, as well.

“Man, I was just getting over this internet thing,” said Cheyenne Mayor David McGee. “Then I looked out my window and saw 600 million people in their cars, and I thought, Wow, this can’t be good.”

Both the internet and the traffic diversion stemmed from mistakes in routing conducted by the Chinese authorities. While seeking to divert web surfers away from Sophidea, a service based here that provides access to blacklisted sites, the censors accidentally diverted all web traffic here. Similarly, while trying to reduce congestion in several major Chinese cities, the traffic police appear to have accidentally sent all drivers to the same town.

“This is really inconvenient,” said Zhou Wei, 37, a fruit wholesaler who lives outside Guangzhou. “I was just trying to get home from work, and now I find myself in Cheyenne, several thousand miles away. It seems like a pretty boneheaded mistake, to be honest.”

When asked to comment, a Chinese government spokesman denied that anything had gone wrong. “Exactly how we planned it,” said the spokesman, speaking by phone from Cheyenne.

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Chinese rover lands on the Moon; immediately begins suppressing dissent

14 Dec

BEIJING–in a sign of China’s growing power, officials here announced that the country had successfully landed a working lunar rover on the surface of the moon.

“I am delighted to inform you that at 0600 hours, the Chang’e-3 rover successfully landed in Sinus Iridum on the moon,” said a spokesman for the People’s Ministry of White Elephant Projects. “The rover has begun to carry out its mission of searching out and suppressing any lunar activity likely to undermine national glory or the cohesion of the people.”

In response to questions as to what kind of dissent the rover was likely to find on the surface of the airless, lifeless Moon, the spokesman produced a list of “accomplishments to date,” which included:

– Jamming any attempt to access the unfiltered internet from the Moon
– Rearranging a group of discolored rocks that “arguably were a disrespectful portrait” of Chairman Mao
– Conducting a tiny, one-rover parade to celebrate National Amphibious Landing Defense Day

According to the PMWE, the lunar rover is just one step in a set of ambitious projects planned for 2013-2015, which will culminate with piling billions of dollars up in the desert and lighting them on fire.

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In calculated provocation, Obama spits in face of Chinese official

27 Nov

WASHINGTON—only hours after sending B-52s through China’s new air-defense zone, President Obama increased the pressure on China with a “carefully calibrated” gesture, spitting in the face of the deputy ambassador to the United States during a White House reception.

“It’s a measured response,” said Irwin Duncan, a well-regarded foreign-policy expert. “It sends the message to China that we won’t be pushed around, and also that the President likes mint-flavored gum.”

The incident was a direct challenge to China’s new “No Spitting on Our Officials” policy, promulgated over the weekend in what Duncan described as a rejection of United States hegemony over East Asia. “Along with the expanded air-defense zone and the Diayou islands controversy, this is China stretching its legs,” he explained.

Most observers agreed that tensions would get worse before they got better, especially in light of Vice-President Biden’s upcoming visit to China. “We’ll get a few corkers out of that one,” said Duncan

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Grave concerns as America’s lead in childhood obesity declines

7 Aug

WASHINGTON–sober-faced scientists gathered today to confirm that America’s once-impregnable lead in childhood obesity has all but vanished, according to recent data.

“Every year between 1980 and 2008, American children got fatter,” said lead researcher Dr. Stephen Armbuster. “Even as we lost our head start in manufacturing, in sports, and increasingly in technology, we knew that our kids were the fattest in the world. Not for much longer.”

According to Armbuster, after years of progress, the number of obese children between the ages of 3 and 5 has declined “across the board” over the last five years, even as China has “packed on the pounds” through a disciplined national program of binge eating and exercise reduction.

The White House issued an emergency statement calling for the “moral equivalent of war” to ensure that America maintained its “proud tradition of the fattest people around.” Key elements of the proposal include subsidies for fast-food burgers with three or more patties and a grant program to further research into stuffing food with other food.

“In the past, we’ve come together to face great national challenges,” said President Obama in a press conference. He went on to call for the nation to put aside its partisan differences and reach for the “moon shot” of a pizza crust stuffed with cheese stuffed with bacon.

Chinese President Xi Jinping declined to comment. However, shortly after the press conference, he was seen riding a new model of heavy-duty Segway down the streets of Beijing, snacking on a hitherto-unknown sixteen-inch donut.

“We’re doomed,” said a sober Dr. Armbuster.

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Hackers blamed as China catches up to US in reality television, enormous portion sizes, cat videos

6 Jun

BEIJING—operating from a non-descript building here, elite hackers from China’s secret “Unit 61398” have been stealing valuable intellectual property from American companies for years, experts say.

“First, the Chinese developed their own hot dogs,” said a scientist with a food-processing company in Ohio who asked not to be named. “Then they wrapped the hot dogs in pastry, and we took notice. And then we saw that they had stuffed the pastry with bacon and cheese, and we knew something serious was going on.”

Entertainment executives noted that Chinese television had made “decades” worth of progress in the last five years. “In 2002, it was all documentaries and classical music,” said an NBC executive. “I turned on my TV in Shanghai last week, and the first thing I saw was a reality show where bowling-alley hostesses train kittens to dance. They can’t have come up with that on their own.”

Grim-faced security experts see no easy way to stop the hacking. “Unless corporate America takes cybersecurity more seriously, there isn’t much we can do,” said outgoing National Security Advisor Tom Donilon. “Losing our edge in aerospace, computing, and defense was irritating. But now they’re striking at the heart of what it means to be American.”

Already, rumors are spreading that America’s final bastion is under assault. “We believe that a leading Chinese fast-food chain, Happy Lucky Chicken, is on the verge of releasing an eight-thousand calorie cheeseburger,” said a food-industry expert. “And it comes in a kids’ meal, where the toy is a handgun. We’re doomed.”

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Shadowy Chinese army unit hacks into US computers; changes own PE grades

22 Feb

BEIJING–a secret team from China’s People Liberation Army called Unit 61398 is suspected of being behind a recent wave of cyber attacks on US government and corporate computer networks, an FBI spokesman confirmed today.

According to Special Agent Dan Baker, “Unit 61398 is an elite hacking force that has been able not only to penetrate our digital infrastructure, but to give themselves As in PE and put themselves in English class with that cute Susie Traeger.”

Said Ed Rooney, Principal of Unit 61398’s high school, “The computer said they had been absent nine times this year, but as I watched the screen, it counted down to two.” Added Rooney after some reflection, “I don’t really know why they did it that way.”

Federal cybersecurity officials expressed concern that Unit 61398’s damaging activities could continue. “They’ve already stolen an entire term’s worth of biology quizzes off our central servers,” said Agent Baker. “If we don’t act quickly, there’s a risk they could defeat our electronic locks and access Ms. Donagh’s secret supply of Coke Zero that she keeps in the walk-in fridge. They might even be able to shut down our entire cafeteria meal-planning network.”

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New, charismatic Chinese leadership off to exciting fresh start

2 Dec

BEIJING–after what many are calling a decade of stagnation under President Hu Jintao, the new leadership under party chief Xi Jinping is off to a colorful, crowd-pleasing start.

“I love these guys!” gushed flight attendant Lin Yuanjing at a recent event, just before Vice Premier Wang Qishan entered Tianjin Municipal Stadium on a zipline and then jammed onstage with the band before opening the Northeastern Chinese All-Steel-Industry Games. “Funny, charming, sexy–what a great bunch!”

Shanghai University student Zhao Yalu concurred. “I waited all night to hear Yu Jengsheng’s speech on judicial reform,” she said, standing in her bedroom in front of a sexy photo of propaganda chief Liu Yunshan. “He’s hilarious–especially the part about the subordination of intra-regional coordinating committees–hilarious! Plus when he rode his motorcycle into the Ball of Death–totally awesome.

For most Chinese citizens, the most dramatic break with the past was Li Keqiang’s speech at the Boao Forum, where he made some amusing comments about intrastate relations in Asia. He then went on to do several card tricks and told a hilarious joke about a rabbi, a priest, and a minister who walk into a bar. Li’s speech was widely seen as the funniest by a senior Chinese leader since Mao Zedong’s Notification of May 16, 1966, which unfortunately was taken seriously by the Communist Party and subsequently led to the Cultural Revolution.

“It’s an amazing change from the Hu era,” said former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. “It’s nice to finally see such raw charisma at the top of the Chinese political system.”

New party leaders receiving applause after an impromptu Riverdance number

New party leaders receiving applause after an impromptu Riverdance number

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