Tag Archives: chris christie

Gov. Chris Christie recaptured in Sinaloa, months after daring tunnel escape

9 Jan

EL AGUADITA, Sinaloa, Mexico–the race for the Republican presidential nomination took a surprising turn as international fugitive Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ), currently polling fourth in New Hampshire, was captured by Mexican special forces only a few miles from the prison from which he made his daring escape last year.
“I’m proud to announce that the notorious fugitive, Governor ‘Chris’ Christie, has been captured,” said Mexico’s Attorney General. “He was unable to maintain a low profile, and instead had been seen a number of times around Sinaloa, as well as in several Republican debates.”
Christie’s recapture ends an embarrassing episode, in which he escaped from a press conference in New York City in July 2015, digging a tunnel beneath a lectern while reporters asked him questions about the George Washington Bridge scandal. Mexico’s armed forces repeatedly identified his location, but were unable to come up with the $2700-per-head minimum required to attend a fundraiser at which he could be apprehended.

 Chris Christie in the gubernatorial mansion; undated photo

Christie campaign introduces new slogan: “At least he’s still not in jail”

3 May

TRENTON–seeking to revitalize his struggling presidential campaign, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) introduced a new slogan today: “At least he’s still not in jail.”

Said spokesman Bruce Davies, “We think it’s important that the public really understand who Chris Christie is. And as of this moment, Chris is not a convicted felon.” Davies then briefly checked his phone. “Still good,” he said afterwards.
The new slogan came the day after three of Christie’s associates were indicted in the George Washington Bridge scandal, which also produced a detailed report of the events leading up to the closing of the bridge. A jubiliant Christie announced that the report “completely exonerated” him personally. Spokesman Davies later sent a note to reporters clarifying that the governer had used the phrase “completely exonerated” in the alternative sense of “did not find evidence to support an indictment.”

Absolutely, definitely, not in prison at this moment.

%d bloggers like this: