Tag Archives: christianity

New Republican plan: Jesus to resolve shutdown

14 Oct

WASHINGTON–with the voting public increasingly blaming them for the government shutdown, and with no obvious compromise on the horizon, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives today announced their new plan, which is for Jesus to return, abolish Obamacare, and re-open the government.

“The Bible tells us that the Lord will provide,” said Rep. Matt Salmon (R–AZ). “The way I see it, that means we can blunder around without a plan of any kind and paint ourselves into a corner, and Jesus will eventually come bail us out.”

Rep. Ted Yoho (R–FL) confirmed that the GOP had broken off negotiations over the budget and the debt ceiling, deciding instead to “put our faith in Jesus,” waiting for him to return and “lay the smack down” on the White House. “Jesus definitely has our back on this one,” explained Yoho. “If there’s one thing he hates, it’s caring for the poor and the sick.”

When asked if there was a backup plan, just in case Jesus failed to intervene in the budget dispute, Yoho grew visibly angry. “Did Moses have a backup plan?” he asked, face crimson. “Did the disciples? Are you saying you don’t believe?”

Asked whether he was seeking any kind of divine intervention to resolve the shutdown, President Obama thought for a moment. “I think thirty or forty lightning bolts might help,” he finally said.

Apocalypse nears as Bradley Cooper nominated for an Oscar

11 Jan

LOS ANGELES–senior Christian leaders from around the world issued a joint statement agreeing that the end days are upon us, with Bradley Cooper’s nomination for an Oscar–for acting–widely seen as the fifth of seven signs of the Apocalypse.

“We still haven’t seen the rivers running with blood,” said the Chairman of the Episcopal Council, Rev. William Hunsley. “But Cooper being up for an acting prize–we’ve got to be getting close, you know?”

Cooper received the nomination for his role in Silver Linings Playbook, a critically-acclaimed film in which he plays a man who has just received eight months of inpatient psychiatric care after watching Valentine’s Day, All About Steve, and The Hangover Part II.

2012 was a bumper year for signs of the Apocalypse. Noted Archbishop Joseph Ngolomo of the Nigerian Apostolic Church, “in addition to wars, famines, and earthquakes, we’ve also seen Jim DeMint join a ‘think’ tank.” Ngolomo also noted that one of the signs noted in the Book of Revelations is “persecutions and tortures to the elect,” which most people assume refers to the movie Battleship.

Pope Benedict XVI also released a statement, in which he warned the faithful to beware of false prophets. “I’m looking at you, One Direction,” the statement read.

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