Tag Archives: CIA

Iraqi detainees sharply criticize Senate torture report; say they were just “horsing around” with their “CIA buddies”

10 Dec

BAGHDAD–a group of former Iraqi and Afghan detainees angrily criticized the Senate report on CIA torture, saying it had made “our good times with CIA friends” look bad.

“The Senate clearly doesn’t understand what torture is,” said Jalal al-Yusuf, an elementary-school teacher who spent six months in Abu Ghraib prison after being confused with an insurgent with a similar name. “They look at a man with electrodes attached to his genitals and immediately think that something inappropriate is going on.”

Samar Hussein, a fruit seller who was spotted with a mobile phone in Sadr City in 2004 and spent three years locked up at a black site, was equally angry. “So I like to get naked and be hit with rubber hoses,” he said. “That’s a private thing between me and my good friend Jim Just Jim from Texas.”

“It was all just for fun, and our interrogators were clear that we could make it stop any time by using our safe word,” said Dr. Ihab Abed, who was picked up by police for looking unhappy during the short-lived Iraqi festival Dick Cheney Day. “My safe word was ‘Saddamplanned9/11’, for example.”

Fellow detainees Tarek Ayoub, Abdul Khader, and several others were unavailable for comment, because they were dead. A friend of Ayoub’s said “Sure, he died from asphyxiation under enhanced interrogation, but he could have died from asphyxiation sitting in a cafe, if the waiter had jumped on him and held a wet bag on his head. No one’s to blame.”

Leading Republicans and former members of the Bush administration also rejected the label of “torture,” noting that they hadn’t noticed anything amiss from their offices ten thousand miles away.

abu ghraib
Highly skilled interrogators build rapport with detainees through a fun team-building exercise.

Sen. Dianne Feinstein defends CIA spying, except against senators

12 Mar

WASHINGTON—Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D—CA), one of the staunchest defenders of CIA and NSA spying, strongly criticized the CIA for spying on the Senate yesterday.

“What am I, an ordinary American?” fumed Feinstein. “You want to go listen to Joe Average’s personal phone calls, go ahead. But the Senate should be totally out of bounds.”

The controversy arose when it turned out that the CIA had accessed Senate staff computers, much as it and other government agencies have accessed millions of computers for years.

“Everyone knows I don’t believe in the right to privacy for regular people,” said Feinstein. “If they want to keep their own information private, then they should go get themselves elected to the Senate. But the rules should be different for me.”

Stung by the criticism, CIA Director John Brennan announced that he was changing protocols around domestic surveillance. “Unfortunately the nature of those changes is classified, though,” said Brennan, shrugging. “Sure wish I could help you.”

Obama launches drone strikes in response to terror threats in response to drone strikes

13 Aug

SANA, Yemen—responding boldly to an increased threat from al-Qaeda, the Obama administration has stepped up its campaign of drone strikes here, according to local sources, and has been very successful in doing so, eliminating approximately two hundred and twenty al-Qaeda members so far this year.

In an unrelated development, approximately two hundred and twenty Yemenis have joined al-Qaeda so far this year, citing drone strikes as their primary reason for turning to terrorism.

The administration and the CIA have discretely boasted of their successes to key policymakers, citing figures showing that they have already killed more than eighty adult terrorists, thirty baby terrorists, and ninety animal terrorists.

“Just this morning, we killed a woman who was engaged in terrorist laundry,” said a CIA spokesman at a classified briefing to the Senate Intelligence Committee. “Yesterday, we destroyed a goat in the process of producing terrorist milk.”

“We will leave no stone unturned in our battle to kill people who want to kill us because we want to kill them,” said the spokesman.

FBI excited to catch someone, even if it’s only Dave Petraeus

11 Nov

WASHINGTON–after almost a decade in which it failed to catch anyone doing anything, the Federal Bureau of Investigation triumphantly announced that it had caught  David Petraeus, the highly respected head of the Central Intelligence Agency, having an affair.

“Sure, we didn’t notice when Al Qaeda enrolled in flight school, or the shoe bomber, or any of the last dozen hate crimes, but, man, we sure made up for it today,” said Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the FBI. “Let this be a warning: if you’re a highly competent American official, and you aren’t committing a serious crime–then the FBI has you in its sights.”

Many questioned whether forcing out Petraeus, who has won broad acclaim for his role first in the Iraq war and then at the CIA, would actually improve national security, but Mueller made a convincing case. “We were investigating something else, and we stumbled on this, and we just thought, you know, why not?” he explained. “I think we can all agree that America is at its finest when persecuting government officials for sexual indiscretions that have no broader ramifications.”

Mueller hastened to add that the FBI was not content to rest on its laurels. “We will pursue wrongdoing whenever evidence randomly falls in our lap,” he vowed. “I hear that Joe Biden has illegal downloads of the complete Justin Bieber catalog on his iPod.”

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