Tag Archives: civil rights

Republican leadership “totally bummed” that no one told them about 50th anniversary of King speech

29 Aug

WASHINGTON–one day after failing to attend any of the several 50th-anniversary celebrations of the March on Washington and Martin Luther King, Jr.’s, “I Have a Dream” speech, leading Republicans today said they were “totally bummed” about it and blamed the White House for not telling them about the anniversary.

“No one is more committed to civil rights than I am, at least within ten feet of this desk, not including you,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R–VA) in an interview with a reporter. “I kept asking the administration, ‘When’s the anniversary? Have you scheduled it yet? What exactly is this the anniversary of?'”

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R–KY) was equally upset at the White House. “How could we possibly know when the 50th anniversary of the August 28, 1963 march would take place?”

In an effort to rebuild bridges with the African-American community, House Speaker John Boehner today introduced the “Reconciliation Criminal Justice Bill,” under which “citizens of all races and ethnicities would no longer be menaced by scary black criminals.”

In wake of Zimmerman controversy, Florida to institute strict license-and-limit regime for killing black youth

15 Jul

TALLAHASSEE–reacting to criticism following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the death of Trayvon Martin, Florida today announced that it would institute a strict requirement that all neighborhood vigilantes have a license before killing black teenagers, and that there would be a strict season limit of three regular teenagers or five suspicious ones.

“This tragedy has underlined the need to strictly regulate the killing of African-Americans in our state,” said House Speaker Will Weatherford. “If these rules had been in place a year ago, Trayvon Martin would still be alive, unless George Zimmerman had filled out an application and paid a $35 fee.”

The permits will be issued by the newly renamed Florida Department of Fish, Wildlife, and Civil Rights, and will come with an instant voting-background check.

“I think we can all agree that these commonsense rules will help prevent a lot of confusion,” said presidential hopeful Sen. Marco Rubio (R—Fla). “I encourage residents of this great state to ensure their permits are in order, preferably before the next election rolls around.”

Boehner “disappointed” in DOMA ruling; will look for alternate ways to combat gay marriage, interracial dating, witchcraft

26 Jun

WASHINGTON—minutes after the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act, clearing the way for an expansion of same-sex marriage, House Speaker John Boehner (R—Ohio) issued a statement declaring that he was “disappointed” in the ruling. He went on to say that the House Republicans would look at “all options” in their efforts to slow the spread of gay marriage. He also vowed renewed efforts to fight interracial dating, witchcraft, and Copernican astronomy.

“Just because something is popular doesn’t make it right,” said Boehner in a follow-up press conference. “Sure, same-sex marriage may have political momentum behind it, and a lot of people think that trial by drowning is outdated, but the House isn’t going to back down from our principles just because of a bunch of polls.” Boehner added that he was worried that the focus on marriage equality would undermine “the traditions that made us who we are today,” including racial segregation, skull trepanning, and smallpox.

Michele Bachmann made a similar but slightly stronger statement. “I’m disappointed in the ruling, and I urge all Americans to rise up in armed revolt against this tyrannical government and drown the streets of Washington in the blood of the unrighteous,” she said, in words more moderate than those she has used in the past. “Burn this modern-day Sodom to the ground,” she added.

President Obama, meanwhile, was ebullient. “I’m just so pleased with this ruling today,” he said in a written statement. “It’s great to see the nation get to a socially just outcome without requiring me to actually exercise any kind of political leadership.”

Basketball’s Jackie Robinson moment: NBA center comes out as black

30 Apr

WASHINGTON—in a moment long awaited by civil-rights supporters, Washington Wizards center Jason Collins today announced that he is indeed African-American.

In an essay published yesterday in Sports Illustrated, Collins wrote: “I’m a 34-year-old NBA center. I’m black. And I’m gay.”

The declaration was met with general support. “I’ve been saying for a while that it’s time we had an African-American in the league,” said NBA Commissioner David Stern. “We wish Jason all the best.”

Teammates were positive on Collins’s decision to step forward. “To be honest, I’ve suspected he was black for a while now,” said one teammate, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “It’s an open secret that a lot of guys in the NBA are as well.”

Most fans expected that Collins’s declaration would have little effect on the league. “To be honest, an announcement like this is long overdue,” said Wizards fan Dave McClellan of Arlington, VA. “I mean, who cares?”

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