Tag Archives: congress

Republican leadership “has absolutely no idea” why Trump’s anti-immigrant, anti-women platform appeals to GOP primary voters

2 Dec

WASHINGTON—the leadership of the Republican Party has “absolutely no idea” why on earth Republican voters are supporting Donald Trump, given his track record of economic and scientific illiteracy, racism, and sexism, sources close to the leaders say.

“If there’s one thing we’ve been doing in recent years, it’s been promoting a message that all Americans, indeed all people, have an equal dignity, and merit equal support and treatment,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R—KY). “I just have no idea why our primary voters seem so interested in someone who’s promoting an anti-women, anti-immigrant, anti-diversity message like Trump.”

Said new House Speaker Paul Ryan (R—WI), “It now seems like no one was listening when we sponsored all those bills supporting equal pay for equal work, bilingual government services, and a more humane approach to undocumented immigrants.”

Trump’s campaign itself seemed surprised. “Sure, if there’s one thing the Republican Party is known for, it’s a message of inclusion and fairness,” said a spokesman. “But apparently there’s a group of voters out there who feel like the party’s brave leadership on this issue doesn’t actually represent their views.”

At press time, the Republican Congressional leadership was debating whether their high-profile push to support transgender rights might need to be toned down. “As passionate as we are about equal protection under the laws, we might be a little ahead of ourselves right now,” said McConnell.

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“We need to take a long, hard look at why the GOP is less appealing to middle-aged white guys,” said McConnell

Jeb Bush keeps promise to lose the primary in order to win the general election

3 Nov

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—appearing under a banner reading “Promises Made, Promises Kept,” Jeb Bush today announced proudly that he was on track to fulfil his campaign pledge of losing the primary in order to win the general election.

“I’ve been rock-steady on this since day one,” said Bush. “We need to be willing to stay in the political center and lose the primary in order to win swing voters during the general election. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

Bush went on to hold up a large chart showing his to-do list during the primary. “Lose the debates–check. Fall behind in the polls–check. Lose donors and endorsements–underway,” he said. “Now we’re working on these right here,” he added, pointing to two bullet points labelled “Lose in Iowa and New Hampshire” and “Drop out of race.”

Although he was careful not to appear smug, it was obvious to the crowd that Bush was feeling pretty pleased with progress to date. “We just need to get to the convention without enough delegates for the nomination, and then we’re all set for victory in the general election,” he explained.

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A promise not to make the same mistake as John McCain and Mitt Romney

Benghazi committee extends remit to investigate whether Hillary Clinton cheated on multiplication quiz in fourth grade

22 Oct

WASHINGTON—in a statement explaining that “we have an obligation to the American people to get to the bottom of how we can keep our diplomats safe,” the chairman of the Select Committee on Benghazi, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R—SC) today announced that the committee would investigate whether Hillary Clinton had copied answers from a classmate on an in-class math quiz in 1956.

“Nothing is more important than keeping our investigation tightly focused and non-partisan,” explained Gowdy. “That’s why we need to understand whether Hillary Clinton’s criminal behavior started in high school or grade school.”

According to Gowdy, the committee recently received an anonymous tip from a caller who said that he had heard from someone that Clinton had “flagrantly” copied all of the answers to the 8- and 9-times table from Becky Sheehan, a classmate at Park Ridge Elementary School outside Chicago.

“Obviously, we are not here to generate headlines, or to imply that Hillary Clinton essentially murdered four American diplomats,” said Gowdy. “We simply want the truth.”

Paul Ryan declines to run for Speaker, saying he doesn’t want to disappoint people until he becomes President

16 Oct

MADISON, Wisconsin—Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) said again today that he does not want to become Speaker of the House. Ryan explained that the role was set up for failure, and that he doesn’t plan to fail “until I’m doing it in a big way from the White House.”

Both mainstream and right-wing Republicans have turned to Ryan as the only person who can command the respect of both party factions, but to date he has resisted calls to replace John Boehner (R—OH) as Speaker. Said Ryan, “I would just end up letting someone down, and I don’t want to let down some of my colleagues in Congress by taking sides—I want to let down this entire nation by being an ineffective President.”

According to Ryan, “I don’t want my hypothetical future public service as President to be sullied by any, you know, actual here-and-now public service.” He then politely asked several of his Republican colleagues to “get their grubby paws off of me.” He then retreated back into his house to watch old Packers games on DVD and practice writing “President Ryan” in big loopy cursive on his notebook.

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Of course this is a photo of Paul Ryan. What are you suggesting? Wait–have we never really seen them both at the same time in the same place???

Kevin McCarthy resigns as House Speaker after minus 23 days in role

8 Oct

WASHINGTON—Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) resigned today as Speaker of the House, 23 days before being elected to the role.

“After so much time spent almost working on behalf of our party and our nation, it is hard to let go of the reins of power,” said an emotional McCarthy. “However, I have concluded it is time to stand aside and let others fill the shoes that I didn’t actually step into.”

McCarthy’s tenure as not-yet-Speaker was turbulent, trying to placate the hard-right Freedom Caucus while also striking the compromises required to pass legislation. Allies said the first, and also last, straw came when McCarthy came under harsh criticism from Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) for not pre-emptively promising that he would never do anything.

John Boehner (R-OH), who is actually still Speaker, declared that it was a “sad day.” He went on to clarify that he had just finished watching Breaking Bad and was upset they hadn’t set it up for a sequel.

Experts say imposition of Sharia law only 358 votes away from veto-proof majority in Congress

7 Oct

WASHINGTON—underlining the serious threat that Islamic sharia law poses to the United States, conservative experts today estimated that a national law enshrining sharia’s role is only 358 votes away from a veto-proof two-thirds majority in Congress.

“It would only require 67 senators and 291 representatives to change their votes, and sharia would be the law of the land,” said David Eikleberry of the Heritage Foundation. “That’s 358 people—barely 0.0001% of the population—standing between us and mandatory hijab for all women.”

Eikleberry noted that the anti-sharia coalition was clinging to its shaky majority, but that he was worried about defections. “Just last week, I saw a photo of Nancy Pelosi eating pita chips at a barbecue,” he said. “What’s next? Harry Reid not spitting in the face of some Greek guy?”

The report immediately generated a strong response across the political spectrum. “This just goes to show how important it is to prevent Islam from taking over our government,” said Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Imagine if one group of people were to try to impose their faith on the country by using the laws of this nation.”

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These might simply be an innocent snack. But can we afford to take that risk?

Kevin McCarthy promises to run House of Representatives from an underground bunker in Idaho

28 Sep

WASHINGTON–Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the No. 2 House Republican and current favorite to replace John Boehner, promised today that if elected Speaker, he would carry out all of his duties from “a secret bunker somewhere in northern Idaho.”

The pledge immediately bought him some goodwill among members of the Tea Party. “I was suspicious that Kevin might be another appeaser, because he’s never spent time in prison for threatening to blow up the Capitol, but I like this bunker thing,” said Jim Jordan (R-OH), chair of the Freedom Caucus and possible candidate for speaker himself. “I sent him some photos of mine to give him decorating tips.”

McCarthy has pledged that as Speaker, he will hide in the bunker, living exclusively off canned goods, and at no point engage in any discussions with any politicians on any topics whatsoever or support any legislation. “It’s a start,” said Jordan. “We’d like to get a list of the guns, though.”

Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), a rival of McCarthy’s, dismissed the bunker pledge as “weak,” asking “what’s Kevin going to do when the United Nations invades Idaho to disarm freedom-loving patriots?” Scalise promised that he would fulfill his duties of speaker from a secret submarine operating only in “freedom-loving red-state waters,” like in the Terminator movies. He also apologized again for his infamous 2002 speech to a group of white supremacists, saying that when he had agreed to address the group, he didn’t know that it had recently endorsed a small tax increase to pay for local schools.

  

McCarthy standing in front of lead-lined American flags, which help keep airborne fluoride out of his precious bodily fluids

New Republican plan is for killer asteroid to repeal Obamacare

25 Jun

WASHINGTON–fresh off yet another defeat as the Supreme Court today affirmed Obamacare, leading Republicans coalesced around a different plan, hoping that a killer asteroid will plunge into the Earth and destroy health-care reform, along with life as we know it.

“While this Supreme Court ruling is a bitter pill to swallow, we are confident that our new strategy of awaiting a killer asteroid will prove to be the undoing of Obamacare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “When a handful of survivors crawl out of their bunkers a generation later, they will be free from the tyranny of government attempting to provide health care to working-class Americans.”

The Supreme Court ruling confirmed that the federal government could offer health-insurance subsidies to all Americans, regardless of whether the exchange on which they bought insurance was organized by the federal government or by individual states. Four plaintiffs had argued that state-based exchanges were ineligible for subsidies on the grounds that moments before the vote to pass the ACA, a House clerk eating a hot dog had dropped a large dollop of ketchup on the key phrase in the bill.

Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from the 6-3 ruling, arguing that “what matters is the bill that was passed, not the bill that would have been passed if it didn’t have ketchup spilled on it.”

Leading Republicans were bitter after the ruling. “The whole point of the Supreme Court is to help our party win battles that we can’t win through elections,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “I guess they forgot why we elected them in the first place.”

According to the new Republican plan, there is a 4% chance that a killer asteroid will hit the earth some time during this century, possibly creating a mass extinction event, which would “somehow undo Obamacare,” said Boehner. “And 4% is better than our odds in the next presidential election, at the rate we’re going.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R–LA), who just declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination, also expressed his unhappiness with the ruling. “If the travesty that is Obamacare stands,” he said, “my state will lose some of its great traditions, like children dying from preventable diseases.”

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Responding to deadly train accidents, Congress slashes Amtrak budget

10 Jun

WASHINGTON, DC—after a series of high-profile train accidents, Congress addressed public unease over rail safety by cutting funding for Amtrak by $244 million on Tuesday.

“We all know that government spending just promotes waste and inefficiency,” said Rep. Hal Rogers (R—KY), chair of the House Appropriations Committee. “And an efficient railroad is a safe railroad. Therefore, the best thing we can do for passenger safety is to take away all this federal money that’s just luring Amtrak engineers into complacency.”

Rogers, who noted that he had seen “almost all” of Snowpiercer and thus was virtually a train expert, also observed that if American trains are unsafe, “the free market should provide a corrective as passengers come together to start competing railroads with better safety records.”

Just in case that doesn’t work, the bill strictly prohibits rail accidents going forward.

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Statistically speaking, this is a very safe train.

Netanyahu demands tougher Iran nuclear deal, also seeks weight loss without diet or exercise

6 Apr

JERUSALEM—denouncing the US-Iranian nuclear accord as just a “Band-Aid solution,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today demanded a series of changes in the deal to make it more acceptable.

“First,” said Netanyahu, “the Iranian government must cease all nuclear activity, and have all its nuclear equipment taken away.\

“Second, the Iranian government must resign in disgrace and go into exile, and the Iranian people must be able to choose their government freely in democratic elections, and they must choose a center-right government that strongly supports Israel.

“Third, we must be given a realistic plan to lose thirty pounds in thirty days, without changing our diet or exercising.

“Lastly, I want a pony.”

When reporters asked Netanyahu what the Iranian government would receive in exchange for these concessions, he grinned, and in a dramatic gesture held up a fistful of 2-for-1 drink coupons at the Tel Aviv Chili’s. “Any more questions?”

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The Israeli PM, moments after being told that snacks would not be served at the press conference

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