Tag Archives: congress

New Republican plan is for killer asteroid to repeal Obamacare

25 Jun

WASHINGTON–fresh off yet another defeat as the Supreme Court today affirmed Obamacare, leading Republicans coalesced around a different plan, hoping that a killer asteroid will plunge into the Earth and destroy health-care reform, along with life as we know it.

“While this Supreme Court ruling is a bitter pill to swallow, we are confident that our new strategy of awaiting a killer asteroid will prove to be the undoing of Obamacare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “When a handful of survivors crawl out of their bunkers a generation later, they will be free from the tyranny of government attempting to provide health care to working-class Americans.”

The Supreme Court ruling confirmed that the federal government could offer health-insurance subsidies to all Americans, regardless of whether the exchange on which they bought insurance was organized by the federal government or by individual states. Four plaintiffs had argued that state-based exchanges were ineligible for subsidies on the grounds that moments before the vote to pass the ACA, a House clerk eating a hot dog had dropped a large dollop of ketchup on the key phrase in the bill.

Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from the 6-3 ruling, arguing that “what matters is the bill that was passed, not the bill that would have been passed if it didn’t have ketchup spilled on it.”

Leading Republicans were bitter after the ruling. “The whole point of the Supreme Court is to help our party win battles that we can’t win through elections,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “I guess they forgot why we elected them in the first place.”

According to the new Republican plan, there is a 4% chance that a killer asteroid will hit the earth some time during this century, possibly creating a mass extinction event, which would “somehow undo Obamacare,” said Boehner. “And 4% is better than our odds in the next presidential election, at the rate we’re going.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R–LA), who just declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination, also expressed his unhappiness with the ruling. “If the travesty that is Obamacare stands,” he said, “my state will lose some of its great traditions, like children dying from preventable diseases.”

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Responding to deadly train accidents, Congress slashes Amtrak budget

10 Jun

WASHINGTON, DC—after a series of high-profile train accidents, Congress addressed public unease over rail safety by cutting funding for Amtrak by $244 million on Tuesday.

“We all know that government spending just promotes waste and inefficiency,” said Rep. Hal Rogers (R—KY), chair of the House Appropriations Committee. “And an efficient railroad is a safe railroad. Therefore, the best thing we can do for passenger safety is to take away all this federal money that’s just luring Amtrak engineers into complacency.”

Rogers, who noted that he had seen “almost all” of Snowpiercer and thus was virtually a train expert, also observed that if American trains are unsafe, “the free market should provide a corrective as passengers come together to start competing railroads with better safety records.”

Just in case that doesn’t work, the bill strictly prohibits rail accidents going forward.

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Statistically speaking, this is a very safe train.

Netanyahu demands tougher Iran nuclear deal, also seeks weight loss without diet or exercise

6 Apr

JERUSALEM—denouncing the US-Iranian nuclear accord as just a “Band-Aid solution,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today demanded a series of changes in the deal to make it more acceptable.

“First,” said Netanyahu, “the Iranian government must cease all nuclear activity, and have all its nuclear equipment taken away.\

“Second, the Iranian government must resign in disgrace and go into exile, and the Iranian people must be able to choose their government freely in democratic elections, and they must choose a center-right government that strongly supports Israel.

“Third, we must be given a realistic plan to lose thirty pounds in thirty days, without changing our diet or exercising.

“Lastly, I want a pony.”

When reporters asked Netanyahu what the Iranian government would receive in exchange for these concessions, he grinned, and in a dramatic gesture held up a fistful of 2-for-1 drink coupons at the Tel Aviv Chili’s. “Any more questions?”

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The Israeli PM, moments after being told that snacks would not be served at the press conference

New GOP majority successfully implements long-term fiscal vision; unclear what will happen next week

2 Mar

WASHINGTON–fresh off a convincing victory in the 2014 midterms, the Republican Party has added to its momentum by passing legislation that “will put this country on a long-term path of fiscal sustainability for the entire rest of the week,” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH).

“There were those who said the Republicans couldn’t exercise power responsibly,” said Boehner. “And to those critics, I point to the full seven days of funding we’ve just provided to Homeland Security.”

The eleventh-hour deal comes after a revolt from the Republican Party’s right wing nearly led to a partial government shutdown, reducing border security by placing thousands of Homeland Security staff on furlough. “We thought that was the most responsible way to make our point about mature government,” said Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), leader of the Generally Angry About Something Caucus. “Next, we’re going to tell all our soldiers to lie down with their eyes closed, until Obama defunds Obamacare.”

Addressing the one-week extension of Homeland Security funding, President Obama tried to look grave, but spent most of the press conference chuckling. “I love these guys,” he said.

According to Boehner, “Shutting down the government has been so successful for us in the past, we figured why not try it again?”

GOP legislation plans to win votes from Latinos who oppose immigration

15 Jan

WASHINGTON–in a shrewd political move, the House Republican leadership yesterday added several anti-immigrant provisions to a national security bill, seeking to make further inroads with the burgeoning “xenophobic Latino” vote.

“Conventional wisdom says that our party is doomed if we can’t get traction with Hispanics,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “However, our pollsters found that Latinos who opposed immigration is the fastest-growing group of voters, increasing thirty-three and a third percent in the last two years.” Boehner’s phone then buzzed; after checking it, he added triumphantly, “Make that sixty-six and two-thirds percent.”

“They’ve won me over with their hard line,” said Jose Duarte, 37, a Mexican-American real-estate broker in Houston. “If we let my family members come over the border, they”ll probably just want to live nearby and spend time with me and become productive members of society. Who wants that?”

Boehner promised that “this isn’t the last outreach you’ll see to our colored brothers,” noting that he expected further progress in attracting racist African-Americans as well as women who resented being paid as much as their male colleagues.

Republican Congress delivers entire mandate by 10.15am

7 Jan

WASHINGTON–in one of the quickest and most decisive successes in American political history, the Republican-controlled 114th Congress opened today and passed no legislation of any kind, thereby delivering its entire mandate.

“I’m pleased to report that we have achieved exactly what we set out to do,” said John Boehner, who was elected Speaker with overwhelming support from a small portion of the Republican House caucus. “And we were having margaritas in my office by ten o’clock.”

Boehner reported that he planned to spend most of the next two years working on his tan. Other members of the leadership reported that they would be focused on golf or bowling, or in forty or fifty cases just sitting around waiting for the Rapture.

“I have the biggest Republican majority in more than seventy years,” said Boehner, reached by phone from the lounge of the Arlington TGI Friday’s, “and I fully intend not to use it.”

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/7a9/37750163/files/2015/01/img_4787.jpgBoehner later expressed irritation that “a lot of government stuff” had taken up ninety minutes in the morning, and vowed to do less of it in the future.

Following Eric Cantor defeat, Congressional Republicans strive to sound even crazier

13 Jun

WASHINGTON—only days after Eric Cantor’s stunning primary defeat to an unknown Tea Party challenger, Republicans have been falling over themselves to sound even nuttier and more conservative than usual.

“Read my lips,” said Rep. Ted Yoho (R—FL). “No more fluoride.” Yoho, who is already among the most extreme members of the House, then unveiled his list of “Ten Batshit-Crazy Things I Will Do In My Next Term,” which included a pledge to nominate rancher Cliven Bundy as the US ambassador to South Africa and a promise to invade Belgium or another smallish American ally “to stay in shape.”

Speaker John Boehner, meanwhile, who has been accused of being too accommodating to the Obama administration, launched his personal initiative, “Building a Bridge to the Nineteenth Century,” a package of reforms aimed at “making America great again.”

“Can we actually claim that America is any better off, now that women can vote?” said Boehner. “All that’s happened since then are mind-control rays in our dental fillings and the faked moon landings.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX), not to be outdone, announced that he was digging a bunker under the Senate to hold his canned goods and firearms. “All I have to say, Mr. Secretary-General of the United Nations, is: bring it on,” he said, tinfoil hat secured under his chin with what looked like a wolverine tail. “You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, using your space lasers and secret alien technology.”

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