Tag Archives: conservatives

GOP Congressman Steve Stockman invites racist rodeo clown to Texas; cites “professional courtesy”

15 Aug

FRIENDSWOOD, Texas—Freshman Republican congressman Steve Stockman (R—TX) today announced that he was inviting a rodeo clown, whose racist impersonation of Barack Obama created controversy at the Missouri State Fair, to perform in Texas. Stockman explained that his invitation was motivated by “professional courtesy to a colleague.”

“This guy and I have a lot in common,” said Stockman. “He’s been in the business of whipping up crowds into a racist frenzy for years, and I’m sure he’s got a lot of great tips for me.”

“It makes a lot of sense,” said Aditya Sood, Professor of Clown Studies at UCLA. “There aren’t that many racist clowns left, so they stick together.”

Stockman, whose achievements to date in Congress include sponsoring legislations to allow guns in schools and voting against the Violence Against Women act, seemed surprised by the negative reaction to his invitation. “If you’re saying we can’t make fun of black people at rodeos any more, what’s next? Giving them the vote?”

Stockman explained that his invitation was a defense of free speech. “In America, people are allowed to say whatever they want,” he said. “Constitutional scholars agree that only way to protect that right is to say incredibly offensive things all the time. I’d like to think I’m part of the solution.”

Embarrassing miscommunication sees Jim DeMint joining “think” tank

7 Dec

COLUMBIA, SC—a series of misunderstandings culminated this morning in Senator Jim DeMint (R—SC) receiving an offer to lead the Heritage Foundation, a well-known conservative policy institute.

“Boy, do I have egg on my face,” said Edwin Feulner, the outgoing president of the foundation. “We were looking for a prominent policymaker who could help us shape the next generation of conservative thinking, and somehow we ended up with Jim DeMint. Mea culpa.”

It was not immediately obvious what sequence of events led to DeMint ended up receiving the offer. Leading conservatives quickly moved to distance themselves from the obvious bungle that stands to put the senator in a role requiring rational thought on a daily basis.

“I love Jim DeMint, but I find the idea of him running a think tank as funny as anyone else,” said Sarah Palin. “And all the magazines and newspapers I read say the same thing.”

Sen. Mitch McConnell (R—KY) angrily denied that he had compelled the Heritage Foundation to offer DeMint the job in order to get an embarrassing Tea Party member out of the spotlight. “If we wanted to make the Republicans in Congress less embarrassing, it would take a lot more than strong-arming Jim,” said McConnell.

DeMint showed a little-known funny streak in his interviews, at one point referring to “leadership in the battle of ideas,” and at another point saying that he wanted to help make the Republican Party more appealing, leading to laughter and applause from television hosts. “Who knew he was so hilarious?” asked Anderson Cooper.

DeMint vowed to continue fighting for the important causes he has supported all his life, including preventing America from turning into Nazi Germany and opposing a tax on Christmas.

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