Tag Archives: crime

Deal reached to keep Mexican cartel boss “El Chapo” Guzman in the Eurozone

13 Jul

BRUSSELS–after exhaustive, all-night negotiations, Europe’s political leaders reached a deal this morning that would keep notorious Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” in the Eurozone.

“We have a deal,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “While it’s not perfect, it’s much better than seeing El Chapo exit the euro.”

Under the terms of the deal, Guzman agreed to extensive labor-market and tax reforms in the cartel under his control, and as a result, the European Central Bank will start negotiations to restructure the cartel’s Euro-denominated debt, which consists of several unpaid VHS rental fines from El Chapo’s vacation to Rome in 2003. “We can extend the maturities of the fines as required, and we will overlook the fact that Guzman did not rewind Police Academy IV,” said Merkel.

After completing the negotiations at 7am local time, the European leaders also reached a sort-of-agreement with Greece to restructure its debts. Under the terms of the agreement, Greece will pass legislation handing control of the country to Germany, after which “we’ll see what we feel like doing,” said Merkel.

Guzman: “Of course I kept Jedi for an extra three days. It’s a great movie.”

America relieved to find Charleston shooting has no link to Islam

19 Jun

CHARLESTON–after a day of tense uncertainty, America breathed a collective sigh of relief as the man who murdered nine African-Americans at a South Carolina church was apprehended and found to be a white supremacist, not an Islamic radical.

“I’m pleased to announce that this shocking act was a hate crime, and not an act of terror,” said Gov. Nikki Haley (R). “If this guy had been a Muslim who hated Americans, then he’d be a terrorist, but since he’s a white Christian dude who hates black people, then he’s just a nut job. And it’s not like we can do anything about nut jobs.”

Haley went on to demand that shooting suspect Dylann Roof, if convicted, receive the death penalty anyway. “It would be good practice,” she said.

Convicted Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev, who with his brother killed four people, released a statement in which he claimed that he, too, had been motivated by racism, not religion. “That would make it so much better, right?”

In the meantime, the grieving familes from both Charleston and Boston seemed strangely uninterested in the debate.


Thankfully, he’s just a murderer, not a terrorist 

Looking ahead to 2016, Republicans decide to start talking about rape again

7 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the 2016 election approaches, the Republican Party is making a push to increase its focus one of its traditional vote-winning issues, rape.

“The women’s vote is the key to the White House, and we all know that there’s nothing women like more than seeing a bunch of middle-aged men on television talking about the ways in which rape is bad overall, but sometimes not really so bad, you know?” said Reince Priebus, the GOP national chairman. “That’s why I’m excited that we’re getting back out there and talking about it once again.”

The first sign of the change came this week when West Virginia state delegate Brian Kurcaba explained how “the beautiful thing about rape” is when a baby was conceived as a result.

Priebus said that the party had lost confidence in its rape agenda after several Republican congressional candidates lost elections after discussing it. “I think we know now that was an overreaction,” he explained. “The key is just staying organized and on-message.”

According to Priebus, the party is now working to agree on a common set of terminology. “Part of the problem last time is that people just make up the terms as they go along. ‘Legitimate’ vs ‘Actual’ vs ‘Real’–we need to align on some simple words and messages to make sure people know what we stand for.”

Priebus was quick to underline that the Republican Party was sensitive to the concerns of women. “Let’s face it, we need to remember that rape is not always a good thing,” he said. “Sometimes women aren’t even asking for it with the way they’re dressed.”

Brian Kurcaba (R–WV) heads the Creepy Guys Who Spend a Lot of Time in Their Basements Caucus

Oklahoma botches traditional Thanksgiving Day turkey execution

27 Nov

OKLAHOMA CITY–in a feel-good moment gone wrong, local officials here today badly botched the state’s traditional Thanksgiving execution of a condemned turkey, leading to a grim scene of “flapping and squawking” at the State Kitchen today.

“Stuff happens,” said Gov. Mary Fallin (R), “We shouldn’t let one little setback disrupt our quest to find new and innovative ways of killing things.”

According to the state chef’s official inquiry, the condemned turkey seemed to be conscious for a “considerable period of time” after it was supposed to be sedated. The state’s “lethal cocktail” for turkeys consists of cutting each bird’s head off and refrigerating it for up to a week; the report said it was unclear why this “normally reliable” method had failed in this instance.

The turkey’s identity was not released. In a bid to stave off criticism, however, Gov. Fallin noted that it had been convicted of a 1987 convenience-store robbery on the basis of “highly reliable” eyewitness testimony.

Shocking photo taken minutes after the botched attempt

Parents of 43 murdered Mexican students “deeply relieved” that killers were not Islamic militants

10 Nov

MEXICO CITY—the parents of 43 missing Mexican students, who have now been confirmed dead, were reported today to have breathed “a big sigh of relief” upon learning that their children were killed as part of a political feud in the southwestern town of Iguala, and that there was no connection whatsoever to militant Islam.

“If terrorists had killed my daughter, then of course this would be a national, even global, tragedy,” said Ramon Gonzalez, 43. “But corruption and murder? No biggie.”

Coming shortly after both Canada and the United States were pitched into hysteria by the murder of a soldier in Ottawa, the news that the Mexican killings were unconnected to terrorism prompted relief and celebration throughout the Americas.

“It’s not a tragedy if Muslims didn’t do it,” explained a US State Department spokesman.

George Zimmerman arrested for threatening a white person

19 Nov

APOPKA, Fla.–four months after being acquitted for killing an unarmed black teenager, George Zimmerman now faces much deeper legal problems, having been arrested for threatening a white person.

“I can confirm that Mr. Zimmerman was arrested today following threats made during a domestic dispute,” said Arthur Barston, chief of police in this small town near Orlando. “Unfortunately, I can also confirm that the threatened individual was of European-American descent.”

Chief Barston said that Zimmerman’s arrest reinforced the “broken windows” theory of policing, which suggests that crimes like graffiti, killing unarmed black youth, and fare evasion, while not serious in themselves, can lead to greater violations in the future.

Zimmerman’s lawyer released a statement, noting that the victim had been “acting black” and had failed to identify her race until after the threats had already taken place.

O.J. Simpson acquitted of giving thousands of secret documents to Julian Assange; vows to find “the real leakers”

31 Jul

CARSON CITY, Nevada—O. J. Simpson today celebrated a legal victory here when a Nevada state judge ruled that he was not guilty of aiding and abetting the enemy when he shared hundreds of thousands of confidential documents with WikiLeaks in 2010.

“This is terrific news,” said Simpson in a brief statement immediately after his acquittal. “With this legal battle behind me, I can now get on with my life’s mission: finding the real leakers.”

At the trial, Simpson’s lawyers described him as a “naïve idealist” who had joined the Army in the hopes of getting a better education, only to be disillusioned in his time there. While serving as an intelligence analyst in the Army, he rushed for a record-setting 2,003 yards in one season, including a then-record 273 yards in one battle against the Ramadi All-Stars.

Despite his recent acquittal, Simpson remains in prison for another crime, a 2007 robbery in which he attempted to steal sports memorabilia in order to give it to al-Qaeda.

GOP statement on Zimmerman verdict: “Thank God it is still legal to shoot black people in America.”

14 Jul

SANFORD, Florida—minutes after George Zimmerman was acquitted of murdering Trayvon Martin, the Republican Party issued a statement celebrating the fact that “our Second Amendment right to stalk and kill black people is still intact.”

“Did George Zimmerman shoot that Negro boy? Sure, he did,” said former Rep. Connie Mack IV. “What is that, illegal?” Mack went on to point out that because of the “liberal media,” Zimmerman had been without his “favorite gun” for months now.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus, answering questions at a press conference, noted that a guilty verdict would have “raised the specter of white people across the country going to jail just for shooting blacks.” Added Priebus, “if the courts can criminalize killing someone like this Martin kid, what’s next? Allowing unfettered access to the ballot box? Legalized interracial dating?”

Members of the jury, in post-trial interviews, explained that they believed Zimmerman had acted in self-defense. “I mean, what was he supposed to do in that situation?” said one juror. “Not follow Martin, get out of the car, start yelling at him, and then pull the trigger?”

If he had been convicted of first-degree murder, under Florida law, Zimmerman would have faced thirty days in jail, a $500 fine, or both.

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