Tag Archives: crimea

Fulfilling pledge of “toughest retaliation” for Crimea, EU cancels “Russian Night” in staff cafeteria

18 Mar

BRUSSELS–in a bold move showing Vladimir Putin that “Europe means business,” the EU announced that it was responding to Russia’s annexation of Crimea with the “biggest weapon in our diplomatic arsenal,” canceling this Thursday’s long-awaited “Russian Night” in the staff canteen.

The announcement was made by an anonymous weedy little man named Jacques, or George, or something, who is currently serving as the Deputy Second Assistant Minister for Cafeteria Affairs. By longstanding tradition, the DSAMCA position is rotated among Norway, Belgium, and a nice little sushi place in Lisbon.

EU staffers were excited, although also a little nervous, at the move. “I think Russia only expected a symbolic slap on the wrist,” said a woman with rimless glasses who is “very senior” in the European legislation-shipping business. “They were surprised when we closed the special matrioshka-doll exhibit two weeks early, and then this has them completely flat-footed.”

Putin had no immediate response to the EU’s move. His staff said that he was busy shooting. His staff later issued a clarification that he was busy shooting animals.

After ballot mixup, Scotland votes to secede and join Russia

17 Mar

EDINBURGH–After what authorities are calling “significant confusion” over the format of the ballot, Scottish voters on Sunday overwhelmingly favored seceding from the United Kingdom and becoming a province of Russia.

“Apparently the ‘butterfly ballot’ design confused some voters,” admitted Angus McFinneran, chair of the Scottish Electoral Council, referring to the design which led many Scots to select the Russian option when they thought they were voting for enhanced autonomy within the UK and a greater share of oil revenues.

Many voters also admitted to having been confused by the Scottish pro-independence campaign, during which First Minister Alex Salmond was frequently photographed riding a horse shirtless and diving for ancient amphorae in the North Sea.

Under the terms of the referendum, all state-owned assets in Scotland were immediately sold for fifteen pounds to Vladimir Ivanov, owner of a small grocery store in Glasgow. “Totally transparent sales process,” said the new governor for the Russian province of Scotland, Vladimir Ivanov.

Vladimir Putin, when informed of the news, was surprised but nonetheless expressed his full support for the idea. He said something that might have been in a Scottish accent, or perhaps was Russian, and then drank an Irn-Bru and ate a deep-fried Mars Bar. “Who are we to stand in the way of Scottish self-determination?” he later said.

Russian army deploys to Ukrainian border in order to conduct traffic study

14 Mar

MOSCOW—tensions decreased here today when Vladimir Putin explained that the deployment of several thousand Russian soldiers to the Ukrainian border was simply a traffic study, and not the prelude to another invasion, as many have feared.

“For years, our scientists have been wondering what would happen if you took half a dozen crack assault divisions and tried to move them along the roads close to our borders,” explained Putin at a press conference here. “Finally, the answers are within our reach.”

The Ukrainian government, already under tremendous pressure from the Russian occupation of Crimea, was visibly relieved. “Normally we would find this sort of behavior concerning,” said a spokesman. “But a traffic study is such a logical explanation for almost anything that we aren’t worried.”

Putin also announced that, because the goodwill created by spending $52 billion on the Sochi Olympics had clearly been destroyed by the invasion of Crimea, he was planning to pile up another $20 billion in Red Square and light it on fire. “If that doesn’t earn respect, I don’t know what will,” he said, apparently meaning it.

Putin explains Russian troops in Crimea were just looking for the bathroom

5 Mar

MOSCOW–stung by international criticism of his invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday held a press conference in which he explained the 6,000 Russian troops in Ukraine were mostly “just looking for the bathroom.”

“It is so simple even children know it,” said Putin disdainfully. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Putin explained that extensive remodeling on several Russian army bases had led to long lines for restrooms, and as a result, many soldiers had swum several miles across the Kerch Strait separating Russia from Ukraine “without realizing where they were as a result.”

Putin seemed sharp and in control throughout the 66-minute press conference, except for a 25-minute digression into how NASA faked the moon landings and a 14-minute stretch where he repeated “show me all the blueprints” over and over.

GOP demands Obama one-up Putin by invading Canada

5 Mar

WASHINGTON–as pressure mounts on Obama to do something about Russia’s seizure of the Crimean peninsula, the Republican Party has united around the suggestion that President Obama invade and occupy a portion of Canada, “to show that we can do it too.”

“Right now, Putin’s holding all the cards,” said Sen. John McCain (R–AZ). “He thinks he’s the only one who can invade a friendly neighboring country with impunity. Well, let’s show him we can do that, and more.”

McCain suggested that either Newfoundland or Nova Scotia would be good places to start. “Canada would hardly miss them,” he explained, “and they’d look good in a CNN special graphic.”

The White House later issued a statement saying that it was considering either “launching a massive military response” against Russia or, as a backup plan, “basically doing nothing.”

After the invasion threat, Canada attempted to put its military forces on highest alert, but apparently he was off camping with his family.

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