Tag Archives: culture

Obama nomination of Ashton Kutcher as Secretary of Defense raises eyebrows

5 Dec

WASHINGTON–in a surprise move, President Obama today nominated Ashton Kutcher to replace outgoing Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel, a decision that caught observers by surprise.

“We all knew this was likely to be a caretaker pick,” said expert David Fosters. “But I’m still scratching my head as to why Obama went with a TV star, instead of someone with relevant foreign policy experience, like Ashton Carter.”

In his announcement of Kutcher, Obama noted that “if Ashton could turn around Two and a Half Men after Charlie Sheen left, I’m confident he can fix up Afghanistan and Iraq.” Obama also noted Kutcher’s outsized Twitter presence as justification for the pick.

Kutcher was unavailable for comment. His publicist said that Kutcher was spending quiet time with Mila Kunis and their new baby and asked the media to respect their privacy, immediately before distributing several dozen glossy photos of the family for publication.
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“How hard can it be?” Kutcher was reported to have said after accepting the nomination.

Anonymous bidder pays $3 million for first Superman comic; hopeful it will finally help him meet girls

26 Aug

SEATTLE–after several days of spirited bidding, an anonymous buyer paid $3.2 million for a mint-condition copy of Action Comics No. 1, the first Superman comic. The bidder, who apparently made his money in technology, expressed confidence that his new comic book “would finally help him meet girls.”

“I figure I’ve got pretty much everything else–all the rare Lord of the Rings action figures, historic circuitboards dating back to the 1970s–so this must be the last piece of the puzzle,” explained the buyer. “Now that I’ve finally got Action Comics No. 1–hello, ladies.”

He explained that the comic book would be displayed in a room he was specially constructing in his Bay Area home, a large Tudor-style mansion that at great expense has been built in his mother’s basement. “It’s just convenient, having her right there,” he explained.

Shirley Temple dies at 85; sadly media fails to fully exploit tragedy

11 Feb

WOODSIDE, California—Shirley Temple, the famous child actress, died at home yesterday at age 85.

“It’s sad when anyone dies,” said Access Hollywood host Billy Bush. “But it’s especially sad when there’s nothing tawdry we can rub in the faces of our viewers, you know?” He sighed. “It’s just so upsetting.”

Upmarket media was equally upset. “There’s really no flimsy metaphor about society as a whole that we can use as an excuse to relate scurrilous gossip here,” said Sia Michel, arts editor of the New York Times. “There isn’t really any scurrilous gossip, period.”

Although Temple had been on a temporary 64-year hiatus from the film industry, she had started a comeback in the last few years, most recently appearing on the Red Skelton Hour in 1963, where she received generally positive reviews. “We had hoped for her to come back on the show soon, but then we found out Red passed away in 1997,” said her longtime agent.

Deep fears for America’s competitiveness as Russell Johnson, “The Professor” on Gilligan’s Island, dies at 89

17 Jan

SEATTLE—concern over America’s scientific and engineering capabilities grew today as Russell Johnson, better known as “The Professor” on Gilligan’s Island, died yesterday at age 89.

The cause was a falling coconut, family members reported.

Johnson was well-known for his pioneering ability to build sophisticated telecommunications products using only items commonly found on desert islands. After developing a series of radio receivers out of palm fronds in the 1960s, he went on to develop a range of mobile devices using fish parts, rocks, and native vegetation.

Working before the rise of the venture-capital industry, Johnson’s many startups were funded primarily by longtime friend and neighbor Thurston Howell III, who made a second fortune commercializing Johnson’s many inventions.

Although Johnson had been less active in recent years, he said recently that he felt vindicated to learn that his signature “clamshell” phone was experiencing a resurgence in popularity.

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