Tag Archives: current events

Selfish refugees seek to steal European jobs, also not be murdered

22 May

ROME–as Europe’s refugee crisis continues with more boatloads of migrants making the risky crossing of the Mediterranean, many of the migrants admitted that they were headed over for primarily selfish reasons.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of living in poverty, cleaning toilets and being harrassed by police,” said Emrip Khan, who arrived in Sicily this week after fleeing the Libyan civil war with his three surviving children. “And in the EU, I can finally make that dream come true.”

A spokesman for the United Kingdom’s anti-immigrant party, UKIP, shared his indignation at the incoming waves of refugees. “They’re all a bunch of whiners,” said David Whitewurst. “It’s all don’t-let-me-be-killed-by-the-solders and my-children-are-starving. They should have thought about that when they were being born somewhere else, that’s what I say.”

European leaders held discussions this week on how to stem the flow of migrants without leaving them at the mercy of armed conflict in their home regions. Those discussions concluded after fifteen minutes, after which they started discussions on how to stem the flow of migrants.

“We are very concerned with the humanitarian crisis on the doorstep of Europe,” said Nils Muiznieks, Human Rights Commissioner for the Council of Europe. “We strongly prefer that humanitarian crises take place far away.”

  
A bunch of refugees just standing around doing nothing, instead of launching startups or mining Bitcoins

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In surprising twist, US Army invades and occupies Texas, after all

20 May

DALLAS–in a move that surprised most observers, President Obama today revealed that Jade Helm 15 actually was a plot to invade Texas and seize the guns of God-fearing Americans.

“I am pleased to report that US Special Forces, acting under my personal supervision, as well as that of the United Nations, today managed to overcome the Texas National Guard and occupy two-thirds of the state,” said Obama in a speech to journalists and supporters. “As a result, we are in a position to impose Obamacare, fluoride, and Common Core on the last few holdouts.”

Gov. Greg Abbott (R–TX), who had spotted the conspiracy early and attempted to resist, issued a statement congratulating President Obama and endorsing Hillary Clinton. Journalists noted that he seemed to be much taller, no longer in a wheelchair, and left-handed.

Obama noted that the Special Forces would maintain control of Texas until such time as the European Union was able to send its own troops to take possession of the state, having purchased it from the United States in exchange for its proprietary mind-reading technology.

 Greg Abbott knew all along 

Jeb Bush explains that he was for the Iraq War before he was against it

14 May

TALLAHASSEE—seeking to nip controversy in the bud, Jeb Bush today laid out a clear statement of his views towards the second Gulf war, explaining that he was for the war before he was against it.

“Had I known now what I thought I knew about what we would have known then if we had known what I thought we knew now, I can definitively say that I would have had an opinion on the war,” said Bush, speaking before a gathering of veterans here today.

“You want to know what I really think about Iraq? Read my lips,” he went on to say, before mouthing something inaudible. Unfortunately, no lip-readers were in the audience at the time.

According to Bush, he has “always” thought that the war “made sense insofar as we didn’t know what we thought we knew what we knew,” but if “we hadn’t known what we thought we knew, then we would have known better.”

Reacting angrily to charges of flip-flopping, Bush said that “I don’t like ‘gotcha’ questions, especially ones that there was no way to see coming.”

JebBushMinWage031815
“On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d say the Iraq War was about…up here.”

Tom Brady stripped of seven Tour de France titles

8 May

NEW YORK—as the scandal surrounding Tom Brady and the New England Patriots continued to grow, Americans were shocked to learn this morning that Brady had been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles.

The International Cycling Union announced today that in light of the NFL’s report implicating Brady in the deflation of several footballs, “We no longer consider Tom Brady to hold any cycling titles from any races, including the Tour de France.”

While Brady has not been punished by other sporting bodies at this point, many believe that his pursuit of the single-season home-run record, among other achievements, is now irrevocably tainted.

“It’s all up for grabs now,” said David Landry, Professor of Vacated Sports Titles at the University of North Dakota. “His Heisman Trophy? His 9.79-second hundred-meter dash? Even if the records stand, they’ll always have an asterix.”

Brady put out a press release stating that “I am innocent until proven guilty, which is why I sure wish I hadn’t just been proven guilty.”

the-weekend-that-was-the-subway-series-lance--L-fkVAwJ
At the height of his career, Brady was so confident of victory that he would drink while cycling

Christie campaign introduces new slogan: “At least he’s still not in jail”

3 May

TRENTON–seeking to revitalize his struggling presidential campaign, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) introduced a new slogan today: “At least he’s still not in jail.”

Said spokesman Bruce Davies, “We think it’s important that the public really understand who Chris Christie is. And as of this moment, Chris is not a convicted felon.” Davies then briefly checked his phone. “Still good,” he said afterwards.
The new slogan came the day after three of Christie’s associates were indicted in the George Washington Bridge scandal, which also produced a detailed report of the events leading up to the closing of the bridge. A jubiliant Christie announced that the report “completely exonerated” him personally. Spokesman Davies later sent a note to reporters clarifying that the governer had used the phrase “completely exonerated” in the alternative sense of “did not find evidence to support an indictment.”

  
Absolutely, definitely, not in prison at this moment.

Maryland Governor reports experiencing very little racism at the hands of police officers

28 Apr

BALTIMORE—seeking to calm violent protests over the death of Freddie Gray, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan, Jr. (R) reported today that he had “almost never” experienced racism at the hands of the Baltimore police.

“I know that we’re all upset about what happened to Freddie,” said Hogan. “But we can’t put it down to racism. I’ve lived here all my life, and I don’t think I’ve experienced any of this so-called racist treatment at the hands of the police.”

Hogan went on to observe that “if anything, I’ve had the opposite experience—state troopers going out of their way to make me feel safe and comfortable—stopping traffic, clubbing people who get too close to my car, that sort of thing.”

Hogan went on to say that he thought Maryland would always be a place where citizens of all races could live the American Dream. “Everyone should have the opportunity I had of running for your father’s old congressional seat at age twenty-four,” he explained.

Hogan went on to announce new, more aggressive policing intended to tamp down the protests caused by aggressive policing.

Larry-Hogan
Hogan: Police have always treated me with respect

Ted Cruz says he favors “complete equality” for wealthy gay campaign contributors; not sure about other gays

24 Apr

NEW YORK—speaking at a fundraiser at the home of a wealthy gay couple here, Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said yesterday that he is “completely fine” with people being gay, if they are major contributors to his campaign. “If my daughter were gay, and she married a hedge-fund guy, and that guy was dropping major checks to Ted Cruz for President, then I would love her just as much as I do today, or perhaps up to 30% more,” he told attendees.

As Cruz has made opposition to gay marriage a plank of his presidential campaign, a spokesman later clarified that he had not changed his position. “Senator Cruz does not believe there is a right to gay marriage,” said the spokesman. “That’s why he’d like to see fifty grand, cash on the barrelhead, before he signs off on one.”

According to attendees, Cruz also blasted “typical big government overreach like the Federal Reserve, foreign aid, the Federal highway fund, and the so-called NASA moon landings.” Clarifying his position, he later handed out a price list for what he expected in each. “You want fluoride in your community, I better see ten bucks per household.”

ted-cruz-smarmy
I can’t be bought, but I’d really like it if you tried

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