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BOCA RATON, Florida—as Barack Obama and Mitt Romney prepare for their third and final debate here tonight, voters across the country are preparing to make their final decisions based on whether the candidates phrase their answers awkwardly or show disaffected body language.

Although some voters expressed interest in the policies of the two candidates, or their perceived competence in managing the administration, or their ability to work with Congress, these all take a backseat to whether a candidate says something that sounds a little odd, or smiles too little or too much.

“I believe a Republican victory would lead to the complete economic collapse of America and destroy our national security,” said Ariel Hutchins of Dayton, Ohio. “But if Obama makes the wrong amount of eye contact with Mitt Romney, or his expression isn’t quite right, then I’m switching sides. Enough is enough.”

Most Romney supporters similarly agreed that if their candidate used another strange phrase like “binders full of women” or talked about Big Bird, they would throw him under the bus and vote Democrat.

“It’s a real shame that we are so focused on these essentially meaningless stage performances that we call debates,” said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “I’d like to see voters making decisions based on more important criteria, such as the ability of candidates to suck up to wealthy donors and to hire talented marketing staff. That’s the approach that has gotten us such great presidents over the last several decades.”

Tags: barack obama, debate, humor, mitt romney, politics

HEMPSTEAD, New York—the country breathed a sigh of relief today as the Romney and Obama campaigns reached an agreement with the media on the storyline of Tuesday’s presidential debate. The negotiations averted a situation which, if left unchecked, could have required voters to assess and evaluate the performances of both candidates on their own.

According to Janet Brown, Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates, most news outlets will agree that President Obama “did what he had to do,” showing more energy and aggression than in the first debate, while Mitt Romney “was able to look presidential and present a credible alternative.” Both men will have three “zingers” that will be widely quoted. Instant polls will pronounce the debate a tie, a conclusion which will then be confirmed by conventional wisdom in the coming days.

Both camps continue their debate preparations. According to sources, Mitt Romney looked for examples of government spending even more intimidating than Big Bird, while President Obama test-drove a specially-designed pair of pants that give him electric shocks every two minutes to keep him awake.

In other news, the Republican campaign announced that Mitt Romney would be unavailable to appear on The View. The announcement was met with derision from the Obama campaign. “What’s he doing instead, meeting with world leaders?” asked Stephanie Cutter.

Tags: barack obama, debate, humor, mitt romney, politics