Tag Archives: debate

Republican National Committee issues list of pre-approved questions for debate moderators

10 Nov

MILWAUKEE–in the lead-up to tonight’s Republican presidential debate, the Republican National Committee has issued a list of approved questions which the moderators are permitted to ask.

 

The questions include the following:

 

1) What makes you so great?

2) No, really, you’re being too modest. Tell us more about how great you are.

3) You would obviously make a fantastic President. What else would you be really good at?

4) Are you worried America will become just way too great if you become President?

5) Do you have a website where people can donate or sign up to volunteer?

6) I think Hillary Clinton should be in jail for her emails or Benghazi or something. What do you think?

7) You look fantastic.

8) Sorry, did I forget to ask a question there? What question would you like me to ask you?

9) Ronald Reagan.

10) Sorry, I did it again. Um. What happens if too many people want to vote for you, and lines at the polls are really long?

 

Some RNC leaders expressed concerned that question #5 is a “gotcha” question, but after extensive internal debate decided to keep it in. “We need to show that we’re not afraid of anything,” said a spokesman.

 

  
For an exciting moment, we thought these were the actual candidates.

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Jeb Bush still can’t believe he overslept and missed the debate

18 Sep

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—almost two days after he was supposed to participate in the second Republican primary debate, Jeb Bush is still “just sick” over forgetting to set an alarm and sleeping through the start time, sources close to the campaign report.

“Jeb is just so angry at himself,” said one advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’d been up all night rehearsing his ‘zingers,’ and so he decided he’d just have a quick power nap before it was time to head over to the venue, and then he got mixed up and thought he had set the alarm on his iPhone for 6pm, but actually he set the countdown timer for six hours, you know? It could have happened to anyone.”

Quick-aides were able to find a body double on short notice, a friendly math teacher named Henry, to stand in Gov. Bush’s place on stage. Henry was given the green light to try to get involved in the debate, but after two enormous gaffes—-claiming George W. Bush “kept us safe” and suggesting Margaret Thatcher could be on the ten-dollar bill—aides in the audience held up a sign telling him to be quiet.

“It’s just one of those things,” said another campaign advisor. “And it’s really annoying, because Jeb was all set to take this one by storm. He was going to dominate.”

With Bush absent from the debate, Carly Fiorina was widely viewed as the winner, on the basis of having no political experience, but not being Donald Trump or Ben Carson.

jeb-bush-sleepy-woman-

Jeb Bush whipping the crowd up into a frenzy during debate rehearsal.

Despite having exactly ten candidates on stage at the Republican primary debate, Fox News misses chance to form them into a human pyramid

7 Aug

CLEVELAND—in a baffling misstep, Fox News, despite hosting last night’s Republican primary debate and inviting only ten of the candidates, at no point even attempted to get them to form a human pyramid.

“I mean, I’m just completely mystified,” said Dave Arlesmith, a political columnist from the Cleveland Plain Dealer who covered the debate. “They had exactly the right number of candidates for a four-level pyramid—one on the top, two below him, three below them, and four on the bottom. One-two-three-four. Adds up to ten. It’s simple stuff.”

Party leaders were equally puzzled. “I mean, it was great to listen to the guys talk about their policy positions,” said Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “But they just stood behind the lecterns the whole time. I’m not sure what Megyn Kelly was thinking.”

There had been heavy speculation before the debate as to exactly what position each of the candidates would take in the pyramid that everyone expected. Most people thought it would build up from the center of the stage, with Trump on top, Bush and Walker under him (or in some variants Bush and Huckabee), with Christie, Rubio, Paul, and Kasich on the bottom level.

Others thought Trump would be too vulnerable on the top level. “I mean, that guy is going to be eight, maybe ten feet in the air,” said Arlesmith. “You want someone athletic, who can land on their feet if the whole thing collapses, and also someone who’s not too heavy.” Arlesmith said he had expected Rubio, Walker, or Cruz to be at the top of the pyramid.

Arlesmith shook his head sadly. “I guess we’ll never know, now.”

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It is really not that hard

Play Republican bingo while watching the debate!

5 Aug

Friends! As part of our civic-mindedness here at twissblog, we have been wracking our brains for ways to make Thursday’s Republican primary debate more exciting, especially since the most colorful personality among the candidates–George Pataki–has failed to make the cut for the top 10.

To keep citizen-viewers engaged, therefore, we’re delighted to provide you with Debate Bingo! Just print this out and every time one of the candidates uses that phrase, cross that square out! Note that the center square is free–just another handout you lousy pinkos have probably come to expect when playing bingo.

Since our millions of readers will all be using the same card, presumably everyone will tie for first place. Again, just the sort of class-warfare redistributionist outcome the Democrat Party wants you to have.

Have fun!

Your friends at twissblog

Republican bingo

Americans to decide future of the Republic based on awkward sentence construction in debate

22 Oct

BOCA RATON, Florida—as Barack Obama and Mitt Romney prepare for their third and final debate here tonight, voters across the country are preparing to make their final decisions based on whether the candidates phrase their answers awkwardly or show disaffected body language.

Although some voters expressed interest in the policies of the two candidates, or their perceived competence in managing the administration, or their ability to work with Congress, these all take a backseat to whether a candidate says something that sounds a little odd, or smiles too little or too much.

“I believe a Republican victory would lead to the complete economic collapse of America and destroy our national security,” said Ariel Hutchins of Dayton, Ohio. “But if Obama makes the wrong amount of eye contact with Mitt Romney, or his expression isn’t quite right, then I’m switching sides. Enough is enough.”

Most Romney supporters similarly agreed that if their candidate used another strange phrase like “binders full of women” or talked about Big Bird, they would throw him under the bus and vote Democrat.

“It’s a real shame that we are so focused on these essentially meaningless stage performances that we call debates,” said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. “I’d like to see voters making decisions based on more important criteria, such as the ability of candidates to suck up to wealthy donors and to hire talented marketing staff. That’s the approach that has gotten us such great presidents over the last several decades.”

Campaigns, journalists reach agreement on debate outcomes

15 Oct

HEMPSTEAD, New York—the country breathed a sigh of relief today as the Romney and Obama campaigns reached an agreement with the media on the storyline of Tuesday’s presidential debate. The negotiations averted a situation which, if left unchecked, could have required voters to assess and evaluate the performances of both candidates on their own.

According to Janet Brown, Executive Director of the Commission on Presidential Debates, most news outlets will agree that President Obama “did what he had to do,” showing more energy and aggression than in the first debate, while Mitt Romney “was able to look presidential and present a credible alternative.” Both men will have three “zingers” that will be widely quoted. Instant polls will pronounce the debate a tie, a conclusion which will then be confirmed by conventional wisdom in the coming days.

Both camps continue their debate preparations. According to sources, Mitt Romney looked for examples of government spending even more intimidating than Big Bird, while President Obama test-drove a specially-designed pair of pants that give him electric shocks every two minutes to keep him awake.

In other news, the Republican campaign announced that Mitt Romney would be unavailable to appear on The View. The announcement was met with derision from the Obama campaign. “What’s he doing instead, meeting with world leaders?” asked Stephanie Cutter.

Taking more aggressive approach to debate, Biden clubs Paul Ryan with chair leg

12 Oct

DANVILLE, Ky—a week after President Obama was criticized for being too passive in his debate with Mitt Romney, Joe Biden took a much more confrontational approach, at one point ripping the leg off his chair and using it to club Paul Ryan into submission.

The exchange came nine minutes into Paul Ryan’s explanation of the revisions to his revised adjustments to his updated Medicare policy. As Ryan explained the difference between his $716 billion and President Obama’s $716 billion, Biden managed to loosen his restraints, reach down and unscrew one of the legs of his chair, and beat Ryan to the ground with it.

Ryan also had some memorable lines from the debate, such as when he said “they’re infringing on our first freedom, the freedom of religion, by infringing on—Ow! Dammit, Joe, knock it off!” and then tried to pry Vice-President Biden off his ankle.

Moderator Martha Radatz received generally positive reviews. Pundits noted that she scrupulously adhered to the equal-time principle to each of the three platforms in the debate: 30 minutes for Joe Biden to rant incoherently, 30 minutes for Paul Ryan to discuss the wacky Ayn Rand crap he actually believes, and 30 minutes for Ryan to repeat the mealy-mouth platitudes he has had to subscribe to since joining the Romney ticket.

The debate was slightly delayed for security reasons when a report spread that Big Bird was lurking around the auditorium. It turned out to be a different eight-foot yellow bird, who was questioned by the Secret Service and then released.

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