Tag Archives: democrat

Republicans demand that Obama wait and let Hillary Clinton nominate the next Supreme Court justice

16 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the battle to replace Antonin Scalia got underway, more and more Senate Republicans have demanded that Hillary Clinton be allowed to nominate the next Supreme Court justice.

“Barack Obama’s policies have failed this nation, and any justice he nominates would certainly be too far left for the country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Therefore, I must insist that we wait until Hillary Clinton becomes president, and allow her to nominate her own far-left nominee.”

The Republican presidential candidates agreed. “The next president should fill this vacancy,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “And once she’s sworn in, we can have a reasonable debate about who it should be.”

Cruz also criticized Obama’s stated intention to nominate a replacement soon. “What gives him the right to nominate a justice so close to the end of his term?” asked Cruz. “Besides the Constitution, I mean.”

Benghazi committee extends remit to investigate whether Hillary Clinton cheated on multiplication quiz in fourth grade

22 Oct

WASHINGTON—in a statement explaining that “we have an obligation to the American people to get to the bottom of how we can keep our diplomats safe,” the chairman of the Select Committee on Benghazi, Rep. Trey Gowdy (R—SC) today announced that the committee would investigate whether Hillary Clinton had copied answers from a classmate on an in-class math quiz in 1956.

“Nothing is more important than keeping our investigation tightly focused and non-partisan,” explained Gowdy. “That’s why we need to understand whether Hillary Clinton’s criminal behavior started in high school or grade school.”

According to Gowdy, the committee recently received an anonymous tip from a caller who said that he had heard from someone that Clinton had “flagrantly” copied all of the answers to the 8- and 9-times table from Becky Sheehan, a classmate at Park Ridge Elementary School outside Chicago.

“Obviously, we are not here to generate headlines, or to imply that Hillary Clinton essentially murdered four American diplomats,” said Gowdy. “We simply want the truth.”

In weird coincidence, Bernie Sanders, Lincoln Chafee, Martin O’Malley, and Jim Webb all develop mysterious illness and withdraw from tonight’s debate

13 Oct

LAS VEGAS—only hours before the widely anticipated first debate of the Democratic primary race, four of the five candidates have mysteriously developed identical symptoms, forcing them to withdraw from the debate.

According to Dr. David Williams, head of the Las Vegas Medical and Sports Book Association, Bernie Sanders, Lincoln Chafee, Martin O’Malley, and Jim Webb all woke up in the middle of the night with rapid heart rates, dry skin, enlarged pupils, and disorientation, leaving their campaigns no choice but to cancel their planned appearances tonight.

“We haven’t diagnosed the exact problem yet,” said Williams. “The only thing that makes sense is some kind of mass psychosomatic illness. It seems strange, but the only alternative would be if somehow all four of them had ingested a rare Bulgarian-derived alkaline poison we haven’t seen since the Cold War.”

Happily, Hillary Clinton’s campaign reported that she is in “excellent health, and excited to take the stage for tonight’s debate.” Clinton was however apparently disappointed that she would be appearing alone, and so that instead of a vigorous debate she will instead have two hours to herself to say whatever she wants.

“I’m really sorry to hear that Jim Webb touched that door handle and picked up some kind of transdermic poison,” said Clinton. “I mean, if that’s what happened to him.”

Ohio man horrified to learn that “November” in political discourse means next year, not this year

8 Sep

DAYTON, Ohio—Tim Kardell, a claims adjuster with State Farm insurance here, has been reported in serious condition at a local hospital here, two days after learning that “November,” used as a shorthand for the upcoming presidential election, means November 2016, not 2015.

Kardell is heavily sedated and was unable to comment for this article. However, friends who witnessed his meltdown reported that he began pacing up and down, mumbling “I just can’t take another year of this” and hitting his head against the wall, before first responders were able to wrestle him to the ground.

Kardell was apparently hanging out with some friends who were discussing Hillary Clinton’s prospects in November, when he casually mentioned that “we’ll find out in two months, I guess.” He was then told that the election was in 2016, not later this year as originally believed.

While Ohio is not generally a focus of significant campaigning in the primaries, as a swing state, it will be hit heavily in the general election, and is already seeing some Super PAC advertising. In addition, Kardell apparently reported seeing images of Donald Trump on a television over the bar at his favorite hangout “pretty much every day for months,” which already had him on edge.

Doctors expressed cautious optimism that they would be able to revive Kardell. “Acute electoral poisoning is generally treatable if caught early,” said Susanne Wilcox, head of the Political Disorders Unit at the Cleveland Clinic. “We just need to bring him out of this slowly, and then send him to somewhere like Kansas, where no one bothers campaigning, until the election is over.”

Hillary Clinton “really disappointed” with results of fundraiser at Burning Man

2 Sep

BLACK ROCK DESERT, Nevada–Hillary Clinton, under pressure to show a common touch after her much-derided appearance at the Iowa State Fair, decided to hold a fundraiser at the Burning Man festival this week. However, sources close to the campaign said that she was “really disappointed” with the results.

“We came away with two back massages, a pound of lentils, and a whole lot of weed,” admitted campaign spokesman Doug Macreavy. “While we didn’t expect Wall Street-level donations, this was below what we were hoping for.”

Burning Man expert Jonathan Dill noted that “you wouldn’t expect a far-right candidate like Clinton to get very far here,” adding that “it’s hard to imagine anyone more conservative–what would that even look like?”

According to Macreavy, Clinton’s next event to show her connection to regular people will be to line up a bunch of working-class people in Ohio and fly her jet down low over their heads.

burning man
Clinton was disappointed to learn that this was not the prototype of a Pentagon Walking Death Robot.

Jeb Bush, Hillary Clinton agree to skip ahead to the general election

12 Aug

WASHINGTON—while the Republican and Democratic primary processes have several months to run, Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton have reached an agreement to “skip all of that stuff” and kick off the general election, according to a joint statement released today by both campaigns.

“While we realize that selecting a party’s nominee for the presidency is one of the most important rights and duties of American citizens,” the statement read, “we all know how this thing is going to end, right? It’s not like you really have any choice in the matter. So can we just get on with it?

A spokesman for the Clinton campaign explained that “while there will be all these ups and downs and manufactured crises” over the next nine months, “Jeb and Hillary agree that the nominations of each party are too important to be left to voters,” and that it would be better for everyone to just get moving.

Under the terms of the agreement, Bush and Clinton will start attacking each other immediately and ignoring their “so-called rivals” for the nomination.

Said a spokesman for Jeb Bush, “we know the primary has to continue, but, I mean…come on.”

Suspicions that Bush was not taking the primary campaign entirely seriously began to emerge during the first Republican debate, when he was seen playing Angry Birds 2 while Rand Paul argued with Chris Christie.
jebbush-hillaryclinton
It would be really nice if Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush would appear on stage together, soon, so that we can stop using stupid split photos like this one.

Jeb Bush shakes up campaign team after polls show him trailing behind eating bugs, Stalin

12 Jun

Poll

TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush shook up his campaign team earlier this week after a new series of polls showed that while he was comfortably ahead of Rick Santorum and Benito Mussolini, he continued to trail Scott Walker, Josef Stalin, eating bugs, and smoking.

While Bush also trails tooth decay, his team expressed optimism, noting that “we think we’ve got an angle on that fifth dentist.”

Sources: ABC/Washington Post poll (Republican nomination), Levada Center poll, 2012 (Stalin), CDC estimate, January 2015 (smokers), Trident gum commercial, 1956 (sugared gum), 2011 youth election (Mussolini), FAO report 2014 (eating bugs)

Bernie Sanders enters presidential race; Martin O’Malley worried it will derail his smooth path to the Democratic nomination

1 May

BURLINGTON, VT—Bernie Sanders, the longtime independent Senator, declared his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, complicating former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley’s expected smooth path through the primaries.

“Make no mistake about it, this throws a monkey wrench in O’Malley’s plans,” said Ritchie Oriol, professor of political science at UNLV. “O’Malley figured he could run towards the center, win every primary, and save his money for the general election. Now he’s got to fight off Sanders from the left.”

Oriol stressed that Sanders was unlikely to win. “He probably doesn’t have a viable path to the nomination, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a disruptive force for O’Malley.”

According to Oriol, the real concern would be “if someone else, an even stronger candidate, were to enter the Democratic primaries. Then we can start to come up with realistic scenarios where O’Malley loses the nomination.”

Bernie-Sanders
Sanders: a “legitimate threat” to Martin O’Malley’s presidential hopes

New GOP majority successfully implements long-term fiscal vision; unclear what will happen next week

2 Mar

WASHINGTON–fresh off a convincing victory in the 2014 midterms, the Republican Party has added to its momentum by passing legislation that “will put this country on a long-term path of fiscal sustainability for the entire rest of the week,” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH).

“There were those who said the Republicans couldn’t exercise power responsibly,” said Boehner. “And to those critics, I point to the full seven days of funding we’ve just provided to Homeland Security.”

The eleventh-hour deal comes after a revolt from the Republican Party’s right wing nearly led to a partial government shutdown, reducing border security by placing thousands of Homeland Security staff on furlough. “We thought that was the most responsible way to make our point about mature government,” said Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), leader of the Generally Angry About Something Caucus. “Next, we’re going to tell all our soldiers to lie down with their eyes closed, until Obama defunds Obamacare.”

Addressing the one-week extension of Homeland Security funding, President Obama tried to look grave, but spent most of the press conference chuckling. “I love these guys,” he said.

According to Boehner, “Shutting down the government has been so successful for us in the past, we figured why not try it again?”

Rep. Steve Scalise admits addressing Republican National Convention in 2004

31 Dec

BATON ROUGE–Rep. Steve Scalise (R–LA), the third-ranking Republican in the House, today admitted that he had given a speech to a political group known for a long history of racism.

“Looking back, I know it was a mistake,” said Scalise. “But when the Republican National Committee called and offered me a speaking slot at the convention, I just didn’t do my homework.”

Scalise admitted later that he didn’t realize the Republican Party’s long track record of systematically disenfranchising African-Americans and fighting measures aimed at reducing economic, social, and political inequality. To this day, the group (which also goes by the acronym “GOP”) continues to try to take away the vote from millions of American citizens.

“It’s a pretty ugly business,” admitted Scalise. “I had no idea.”

Although no transcript of his speech survives, contemporary reports suggest that Scalise gave a light-hearted speech in which he imagined a world in which problems magically fixed themselves without any involvement from government.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/7a9/37750163/files/2014/12/img_4548.jpgApparently the speech sounded better in its original German

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