Tag Archives: donald trump

GOP proposes new debate format, in which people line up and punch Ted Cruz in the face

28 Jan

NEW YORK–with tonight’s Republican presidential primary debate facing uncertainty after Donald Trump’s refusal to participate, GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today suggested an alternative format, “which will consist of people just lining up and then getting to punch Ted Cruz in the face.”

Priebus outlined the proposed approach in an impromptu forty-minute press conference here, most of which consisted of him describing in loving detail what it would be like to punch Ted Cruz in the face.

“And we’ll let anyone in. Other candidates, their families, kids, anyone. A line out the back of the auditorium. And Ted getting punched over, and over, and over,” concluded Priebus, repeating “and over” an additional sixty times before an aide gently led him away by the arm.

In a surprising move, Priebus also used the speech to endorse Donald Trump, nemesis of the GOP establishment, as the best hope of stopping Cruz. Priebus then went on to also endorse Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Benito Mussolini, “and anyone else who can take Ted down a notch.”

Trump, who is vying neck-and-neck with Cruz for victory in the Iowa caucauses next week, released a devastating new anti-Cruz ad today, titled “Get a load of this guy” and consisting of various photos and short videos of Cruz.

If elected, Ted cruz pledges to poke every single American in the chest while making a point.

Jeb Bush still can’t believe he overslept and missed the debate

18 Sep

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—almost two days after he was supposed to participate in the second Republican primary debate, Jeb Bush is still “just sick” over forgetting to set an alarm and sleeping through the start time, sources close to the campaign report.

“Jeb is just so angry at himself,” said one advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’d been up all night rehearsing his ‘zingers,’ and so he decided he’d just have a quick power nap before it was time to head over to the venue, and then he got mixed up and thought he had set the alarm on his iPhone for 6pm, but actually he set the countdown timer for six hours, you know? It could have happened to anyone.”

Quick-aides were able to find a body double on short notice, a friendly math teacher named Henry, to stand in Gov. Bush’s place on stage. Henry was given the green light to try to get involved in the debate, but after two enormous gaffes—-claiming George W. Bush “kept us safe” and suggesting Margaret Thatcher could be on the ten-dollar bill—aides in the audience held up a sign telling him to be quiet.

“It’s just one of those things,” said another campaign advisor. “And it’s really annoying, because Jeb was all set to take this one by storm. He was going to dominate.”

With Bush absent from the debate, Carly Fiorina was widely viewed as the winner, on the basis of having no political experience, but not being Donald Trump or Ben Carson.


Jeb Bush whipping the crowd up into a frenzy during debate rehearsal.

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