Tag Archives: drones

Obama launches drone strikes in response to terror threats in response to drone strikes

13 Aug

SANA, Yemen—responding boldly to an increased threat from al-Qaeda, the Obama administration has stepped up its campaign of drone strikes here, according to local sources, and has been very successful in doing so, eliminating approximately two hundred and twenty al-Qaeda members so far this year.

In an unrelated development, approximately two hundred and twenty Yemenis have joined al-Qaeda so far this year, citing drone strikes as their primary reason for turning to terrorism.

The administration and the CIA have discretely boasted of their successes to key policymakers, citing figures showing that they have already killed more than eighty adult terrorists, thirty baby terrorists, and ninety animal terrorists.

“Just this morning, we killed a woman who was engaged in terrorist laundry,” said a CIA spokesman at a classified briefing to the Senate Intelligence Committee. “Yesterday, we destroyed a goat in the process of producing terrorist milk.”

“We will leave no stone unturned in our battle to kill people who want to kill us because we want to kill them,” said the spokesman.

Obama will strictly limit drone strikes to two categories of targets: 1) People, and 2) Things

23 May

WASHINGTON–responding to criticism from left and right alike, the White House today announced strict new limits on drone strikes. When the new rules take effect, the President will only be able to use deadly force against, first, “people that could be trouble,” and, second, “anything else.”

“These new guidelines will be strictly enforced,” said National Security Advisor Tom Donilon at a press conference today. “The only people able to change these rules will be the President, myself, our staff, our friends, our staff’s friends, and anyone who manages to find the top-secret drone control room on the third floor of 1345 Wisconsin Avenue.”

Donilon went on to explain that a rigorous new protocol for approving drone strikes would also be implemented. Under the new protocol, to launch a strike, the President would have to nod twice “rapidly” when asked if he wanted someone “taken care of,” or, alternatively, make a gun shape with his thumb and forefinger and pretend to shoot at somebody.

Most civil libertarians were muted in their praise, arguing the new rules do not go far enough in reining in the President’s ability to kill people. Former Vice President Dick Cheney argued the opposite, claiming that Obama had “needlessly emasculated the office of the Presidency” by limiting drone strikes to people and/or things.

“What if a future President wants to attack nothing at all?” asked Cheney angrily. “What about targets that fall in between the two categories? What about cyborgs? What about Darth Vader???”

The White House did not respond to critics, noting that it was fully engaged in preparing the new rules for implementation at the earliest possible date, currently forecast to be December 2016.

In “freakish coincidence,” malfunctioning drone attacks Rand Paul

9 Mar

WASHINGTON–in what puzzled scientists are calling a bizarre coincidence, Sen. Rand Paul (R–KY) nearly escaped death today when a malfunctioning Predator drone accidentally released its weapons while directly over him, incinerating his car.

“The odds of this have to be less than a billion to one,” said a CIA spokesman at a hastily called press conference. “The odds of an accidental weapons release striking someone–they’re just astronomical.”

“The Hellfire missile is heat-seeking, and satellite imagery showed an enormous column of hot air emanating from Senator Paul just before the accident,” said defense expert Col. Robert Wilson. “He survived only because the tinfoil hat he was wearing confused the Predator’s radar.”

The White House released a message of condolence and concern approximately fifteen minutes before the accident occurred. “I have no idea how that happened,” said President Obama.

Senator Paul was taken to Walter Reed hospital by first responders, who found him ranting incoherently by the side of the road. He was released after medical staff found that this was a pre-existing condition.

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