Tag Archives: drugs

Parents of 43 murdered Mexican students “deeply relieved” that killers were not Islamic militants

10 Nov

MEXICO CITY—the parents of 43 missing Mexican students, who have now been confirmed dead, were reported today to have breathed “a big sigh of relief” upon learning that their children were killed as part of a political feud in the southwestern town of Iguala, and that there was no connection whatsoever to militant Islam.

“If terrorists had killed my daughter, then of course this would be a national, even global, tragedy,” said Ramon Gonzalez, 43. “But corruption and murder? No biggie.”

Coming shortly after both Canada and the United States were pitched into hysteria by the murder of a soldier in Ottawa, the news that the Mexican killings were unconnected to terrorism prompted relief and celebration throughout the Americas.

“It’s not a tragedy if Muslims didn’t do it,” explained a US State Department spokesman.

Rob Ford’s brother to run for Toronto mayor, pledging to be leader “for all different kinds of drugs, not just crack”

13 Sep

TORONTO–responding to the public’s overwhelming demand for more members of the Ford family to be involved in Toronto politics, Doug Ford today announced that he would run for mayor of the city. In his press conference, he promised a departure from his brother Rob’s approach to leadership, saying that he would “be the leader for all different kinds of drugs,” eschewing Rob’s focus just on crack cocaine and alcohol.

“For too long, this city’s leadership has neglected heroin, crystal meth, prescription painkillers, even simple weed,” said Doug Ford to a capacity crowd of reporters who had come to laugh at him. “I promise to be filmed in a much wider variety of compromising positions going forward.”

Rob Ford said that with a heavy heart, he was not going to run for re-election. “I wish I didn’t have to choose between my two great loves, being mayor and smoking crack,” he said. “But if I’m going to pursue my lifelong dream of being strung out pretty much 24/7, then I think the city council is a better place for me.”

Rob Ford will be running for council in a district that his nephew has agreed to vacate in order to pursue his own personal dream of sitting around and doing not very much.

Rob Ford asks voters not to make him choose between politics and crack

2 May

TORONTO—embattled Mayor Rob Ford today pleaded with his constituents “not to make me choose between my two great loves, politics and crack.” He said he was hoping instead for some sort of agreement that will let him run the city during the week, and then get high on the weekends, and also during the week.

Ford’s plea comes after another video surfaced of him smoking crack, this one made last Saturday. While asking for forgiveness, Ford also lashed out at the source of the video, noting that “when someone does crack in the stands at a Blue Jays game, he should have a reasonable expectation of privacy.”

While no mechanism exists to remove Ford from office before an election this fall, the Toronto city council has slightly altered the role of mayor, changing Ford’s duties from governing the city to standing on the outskirts of town, waving at motorists as they arrive and leave. “He hasn’t even been doing that too well,” said a spokesman.

Mexico captures notorious cartel boss, guaranteeing end of drug trade

24 Feb

MEXICO CITY—anti-drug officials today celebrated the capture of the notorious cartel boss “El Chapo,” which is expected to bring an end to the availability of illegal drugs in North America.

“El Chapo’s organization controlled virtually all of the drugs consumed in Mexico and also smuggled to the United States,” said President Enrique Pena Nieto. “Therefore, with him gone, we can expect that there will be no more narcotics sold in either country.”

Drug dealers reacted with dismay. “I thought I had it made, man,” said Javier Morales, a cartel employee who carries cocaine across the border through a network of tunnels. “A product we make cheaply, for which there is virtually unlimited demand—but with El Chapo gone, I guess we’re all done here.” Morales said that he planned to go back to school, finish his associate’s degree in auto mechanics, and start a small business. “Such a waste,” he said ruefully.

Trey Radel resigns from Congress to run for mayor of Toronto

27 Jan

WASHINGTON—Rep. Trey Radel (R—FL) announced today that he is resigning from Congress to fulfil his lifelong dream of “getting involved in Toronto politics.”

The surprising announcement from the 37-year-old freshman was unexpected and was in no way whatsoever prompted by any other news that people might or might not have heard, explained an aide.

The decision seemed to have put Radel in an uncharacteristically ebullient mood, and at the press conference he was speaking extremely loudly and quickly.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am about this next phase of my life,” said Radel. “I feel like I’ve already started it, to tell you the truth

Toronto legalizes medical crack

7 Nov

TORONTO–Mayor Rob Ford proudly announced today that this city will become the first in the world to legalize smoking crack for medicinal purposes.

“No longer will this healing substance be forced underground by ignorance and fear,” said Ford, speaking extremely rapidly from a prepared text. “It’s time we gave the people of Toronto an opportunity to control choices around their own health.”

According to the mayor’s office, crack can be used to treat a wide variety of ailments, including boredom, ennui, despair, and concerns over one’s own political future.

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