Tag Archives: ebola

Ebola nurse angrily asserts her right to run around licking strangers on the face

30 Oct

PORTLAND, Maine—Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was briefly quarantined after returning from treating Ebola patients, and then announced that she would not stay at home as requested for 21 days, today said that she would defy the CDC’s request that she not lick people “right on the kisser.”

“My human rights are the most important thing in this situation,” said Hickox at a press conference today, “and one of my most basic rights is the right to go all over the country and lick anyone that I see all over the face.” Pointing her finger at a CDC official standing haplessly at the end of the stage, she added, “You know who didn’t let people lick strangers on the street? The Nazis.”

After the press conference, Hickox adjourned to the local Pizza Hut, where she asserted her right to sneeze on the salad bar.

Ebola upgraded in seriousness from “dead foreigners” to “sick Americans”

18 Aug

ATLANTA—the Ebola epidemic has taken a grim new turn in the last few days, as officials confirmed that in addition to killing hundreds of people in Africa, there are now at least two sick Americans.

“I guess I was following it before,” said David Hemstrich, public-health expert at the National Security Council. “There were all these people dying in places like Liberia and Guinea, or maybe Guyana, or something. But now it’s serious.”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta issued a bulletin advising Americans to “stay away from foreign countries” as well as avoiding foreigners who look “germy.” It also suggested ceasing to watch television shows set overseas, “just to be on the safe side.”

Hemstrich hastened to add that “we’re not saying that an African life is less valuable than an American life.” After a pause, he added, “at worst, we’re very strongly implying that.”

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