Tag Archives: Economics

Deal reached to keep Mexican cartel boss “El Chapo” Guzman in the Eurozone

13 Jul

BRUSSELS–after exhaustive, all-night negotiations, Europe’s political leaders reached a deal this morning that would keep notorious Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” in the Eurozone.

“We have a deal,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “While it’s not perfect, it’s much better than seeing El Chapo exit the euro.”

Under the terms of the deal, Guzman agreed to extensive labor-market and tax reforms in the cartel under his control, and as a result, the European Central Bank will start negotiations to restructure the cartel’s Euro-denominated debt, which consists of several unpaid VHS rental fines from El Chapo’s vacation to Rome in 2003. “We can extend the maturities of the fines as required, and we will overlook the fact that Guzman did not rewind Police Academy IV,” said Merkel.

After completing the negotiations at 7am local time, the European leaders also reached a sort-of-agreement with Greece to restructure its debts. Under the terms of the agreement, Greece will pass legislation handing control of the country to Germany, after which “we’ll see what we feel like doing,” said Merkel.

Guzman: “Of course I kept Jedi for an extra three days. It’s a great movie.”

NFL commissioner paid $44 million, “because it’s just so darn hard to get people to watch football”

15 Feb

NEW YORK–the National Football League yesterday filed paperwork showing that Commissioner Roger Goodell earned 44.2 million dollars, making him among the highest-paid executives of any organization in America, and by far the highest-paid leader of a not-for-profit organization.

“Roger deserves every penny,” said Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and member of the committee that sets Goodell’s compensation. “We all know that football has struggled for years to get any cultural traction in the United States, and without him, I doubt anyone would be watching the game at all.”

Kraft went on to list some of Goodell’s more impressive accomplishments as commissioner, which include “Margarita Mondays” at league headquarters and the decision not really to do anything about the concussion crisis, the Miami Dolphins bullying case, or indeed, anything else.

“History shows us that when an organization has been extremely successful for many years, the best thing to do is take your eye off the ball and let things drift for a while,” said Goodell in a statement, wearing a suit sewn out of money. “I have no intention of changing anything now.”

Obama warns of “rampant privacy” if shutdown continues

10 Oct

WASHINGTON—in some of his starkest language yet, President Obama today warned that America faced an “outbreak of rampant privacy” if the government shutdown continues, keeping government employees from reading private emails and listening to phone calls.

“One week into the shutdown, American citizens are already able to speak with their loved ones with relative confidence that the government is not listening in,” said Obama in a speech before the National Press Club. “If this continues, soon everyone will be free from intrusive surveillance.”

Obama quickly hastened to add, “except people who look Middle Eastern, of course.”

Republicans, chastened, quickly offered to pass a bill that would fund only drones, wiretapping, email monitoring, and six classified activities collectively known only as “The Big One.” In exchange, they asked that Obama partially roll back the new medical-device tax, convene a blue-ribbon commission to discuss the deficit, and also resign in disgrace and move to a small Alaskan fishing village, never to be heard from again.

Seconds after Morsi’s overthrow, Mitt Romney announces candidacy for Egyptian presidency

3 Jul

CAIRO—appearing in Tahrir Square immediately after the announcement that Mohamed Morsi had been ousted by the military, Mitt Romney announced that “after a long period of soul-searching, I reluctantly concluded that my service to Egypt was not yet over,” and declared his candidacy for the presidency.

In response to a question, Romney noted that despite Egypt’s predominantly Muslim and, well, Egyptian population, “I think the country is ready for an American Mormon as president.” He then spoke forcefully of his longstanding admiration for Egypt. “Without your world-class medical schools, I don’t know who would drive our taxis,” he said to an admiring crowd.

General Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi, the commander of the Egyptian military who announced Morsi’s departure, seemed nonplussed by Romney’s announcement, coming only a few seconds after the news of Morsi’s departure spread through the crowd. “How did he even get here?” asked el-Sissi.

Not to be outdone, Rick Perry released a statement that he would make a “special announcement” from Tahrir Square on Monday. “I’m not going to give anything away, but let’s just say I’ve finally found somewhere with even worse health-care outcomes than Texas,” said Perry.

Reacting forcefully to the Middle Eastern crisis, the House Republican leadership announced another symbolic vote to repeal Obamacare. “If this ‘Egypt’ place actually exists, then why isn’t it mentioned in the Bible?” asked Rep. Eric Cantor (R—Virginia).

US government mints, then loses, trillion-dollar platinum coin

14 Jan

WASHINGTON–the delicate politics surrounding the federal debt ceiling took a surprising turn today when Treasury Secretary Ben Bernanke announced that the government had secretly minted a trillion-dollar platinum coin, and then had misplaced the coin “behind my desk or something.”

“I definitely had it this morning when I arrived at work, because I remember Starbucks didn’t have change for it,” said Secretary Bernanke. “But when I took it over to the White House to show Obama, it was gone.”

Sources confirmed that an elite cross-functional team from the Navy SEALs and FEMA had been deployed to secure the coin. So far, the team has managed to crash a helicopter and move four thousand people into contaminated trailers. “We feel real close to finding the coin,” said team leader Jim DeMint, seconded from his role leading the Heritage Foundation. “But I just can’t seem to get these pants right,” he said, gesturing to where he had stuck both legs into a single sleeve of his Hazmat suit.

Experts were surprised that the government had gone ahead and created the trillion-dollar coin, a gimmick that would enable the government to continue operating even after reaching the debt ceiling. “This is presidential overreach, and I demand an investigation,” said Sen. James Inhofe (R–OK). “By the way, where can I get some pants like that sweet pair Jim DeMint is wearing?”

So far, Secretary Bernanke has retraced his steps carefully “at least twice,” but the coin is still missing. The CIA offered to assist with the search, and after reviewing extensive signals intelligence and satellite photography, concluded that the Treasury department had a “slam-dunk” nuclear and biological weapons program.

President Obama was said to be philosophical about the problem. “If nothing else works,” he said in a statement, “we can put Joe Biden on the case.”

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