Tag Archives: economy

Verizon to acquire AOL for $4.4 billion, because you can’t go wrong merging with AOL

12 May

NEW YORK—Verizon Communications announced today that it would acquire AOL for $4.4 billion in cash, cementing its position as the largest firm combining telecommunications and whatever it is exactly that AOL does these days.

“I can’t imagine any large merger involving AOL possibly going wrong,” said Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon. “This deal shows that we are prepared to tackle all the digital challenges of the twentieth century.”

McAdam went on to say that while the purchase price of $4.4 billion looked significant, AOL brought “real, hard assets” to the table, such as an inventory of almost two billion CD-ROM disks containing Windows-95-compatible AOL software. “We think they’re being held on the balance sheet well below fair value.”

Analysts were strongly supportive of the deal. “AOL is solid gold, and I think anyone in any industry would be lucky to get their hands on it,” said Dhruv Gupta, telecommunications and CD-ROM disk analyst at Merrill Lynch. “Nothing says cutting-edge like an aol.com email address.”

Lowell McAdam, one of the most exciting and dynamic CEOs of a US large telecommunications conglomerate

Growing concern among Republicans that American economy may be improving

6 Feb

WASHINGTON—After this week’s strong jobs report, which showed a significant increase in the labor force as well as upward revisions to the job creation of recent months, leading Republicans today expressed concern that life might be getting better for the majority of Americans.

“You plan, and you work, and you take dozens of symbolic votes in the House to repeal Obamacare, and then a piece of bad luck like this just drops in your lap,” lamented Ted Cruz (R–TX). “The job growth, the improving consumer confidence, the wage improvements–it’s putting everything we’ve worked hard not to accomplish in jeopardy,” he said.

Not everyone had lost hope. On a recent visit to London, Paris, Tokyo, Singapore, and Hong Kong, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) shared his confidence that “we still might see the hopes and dreams of the American public go down the pooper” in time for the 2016 presidential election. He added that he looked forward to paying a brief visit to New Jersey “just as soon as I’ve finished trips to Italy, Germany, Yugoslavia, the Soviet Union, India, and China.”

Jeb Bush, speaking to a gathering of Republican mayors as part of his regular duties as the ex-governor of Florida, enthused about an “America full of breadlines and crime,” noting that “in times of crisis, Americans will want to see a middle-aged white guy in charge, and I’m one of those.”

Rick Perry returned a call seeking comment, but could not easily be heard, as he held the phone upside down for the entire conversation.

Official Portrait
We could have used a photo of any of these guys, but we here at twissblog have a particular fondness for Smilin’ Chris Christie, and want to use his official state portrait as often as possible.

Republicans cite lower unemployment as proof that “Obamacare is forcing Americans to take jobs just to stay afloat”

3 Jul

WASHINGTON–strong job growth numbers and a sharp drop in unemployment are “further proof that Obama is leading this country towards economic disaster,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH).

“Last month alone, 288,000 Americans found that their economic situation was so bad that they were forced to take jobs just to pay their bills,” said Boehner. “It’s hard to imagine a greater failure of leadership.”

The unemployment rate fell sharply to 6.1%, “further proof, as if any were needed, that the Obamacare tax is making people turn to work as the only way out of their economic hole.”

The White House had no immediate comment. A spokesman described the President as “puzzled” by the GOP reaction.

US Special Forces capture instigator of Benghazi attack; suspects in financial crisis still at large

18 Jun

WASHINGTON–the White House today announced that it had captured Ahmed Abu Khattala, the leader of the 2012 attack on the US mission in Benghazi which killed four Americans. However, excitement was muted by the news that the instigators of the 2009 financial crisis, which wreaked hundreds of billions of dollars of damage on the American economy, had once again evaded capture.

“I am proud to announce that we have captured Khattala,” said President Obama. “However, our intelligence efforts to locate the perpetrators of the massive economic meltdown have still yet to bear fruit.”

Experts noted that the suspects in the financial crisis were difficult to find. “These people frequently change business cards, restaurant reservations, and Uber usernames, making them hard to track,” said Dan Rosen, head of the arrest team responsible for financial crimes at the FBI, who is legally blind and works from inside an iron lung in Iceland. “They also congregate in a rough area known as ‘Wall Street,’ which is apparently impossible for law enforcement to enter.”

A chilling video posted to YouTube shows hundreds of banking suspects gathered at a “fundraiser.” Clever editing made it look as if politicians from both parties were in attendance, although of course that would be ridiculous, given their destructive influence.

“Read my lips,” said President Obama in his weekly radio address. “We will leave no stone unturned in our efforts to locate these people. And when we find them, we will solicit enormous campaign contributions from them, with ruthless sycophancy.”

Paul Ryan releases hilarious April Fool’s budget

1 Apr

WASHINGTON—in a light-hearted distraction from the daily political grind, Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) played an April Fool’s Day prank on his Congressional colleagues, releasing a “budget” full of nonsensical economic assumptions and ludicrous spending priorities.

“I have to admit, Paul totally got me with this one,” said Rep. Steny Hoyer (D—MD), the House minority whip. “I could almost believe the sharp increases in military spending, the heavy use of unspecified ‘other cuts’—but then I got to the underlying growth projections and I just burst out laughing. Totally hilarious.”

Ryan used his joke budget to satirize his own image as a heartless ideologue, pretending to gut health care and even food stamps for lower-income Americans, spending the money instead on military equipment the Pentagon has repeatedly said it does not want. Then, poking fun at his own party, he implied that he still believed in the long-discredited Laffer curve, making the assumption that gutting government spending would lead to massive economic growth and higher tax revenues.

“Look, every once in a while we have to have some fun around here,” said Ryan. “I promise I’ll work on a budget that actually makes sense soon.”

General Motors introduces new tagline: “You’ll probably be okay”

24 Mar

DETROIT–Mary Barra, the CEO of General Motors, unveiled the company’s newest advertising campaign today, featuring what she described as a “catchy” new tagline: “You’ll probably survive driving one of these.”

The ads feature drivers pulling into parking spaces, getting out of their cars, and calling their loved ones to report that they are still alive.

The new campaign responds to revelations that several GM models were prone to engine cutoffs and failure to deploy airbags if the ignition keys were weighted down by a heavy keychain. Also, many of the cars would explode in a giant fireball if sneezed upon, or looked at funny.

Barra has won cautious praise for remaining upbeat about GM’s prospects while also apologizing knowingly sending dozens of people to their deaths. She has said that, pending repairs, all of the cars are completely safe as long as drivers remove the ignition key from their key rings, discard the key, and then park the cars deep underground in abandoned salt mines.

Mt. Gox finds 200,000 of the missing Bitcoins in its sock drawer

22 Mar

TOKYO–Mark Karpeles, chief executive of the bankrupt Bitcoin exchange Mt. Gox, confirmed yesterday that he had found 200,000 of the 750,000 Bitcoins that mysteriously disappeared last month.

“I could have sworn I’d looked in that drawer, like, ten times already,” said Karpeles at a press conference here. “But somehow they were right there, next to a pile of old batteries.”

Karpeles’ mother, Gladys, interrupted the press conference at this point to observe that her son was sometimes a “knucklehead” and that she wouldn’t be surprised if the rest of the Bitcoins were “down in the basement with his old Dungeons and Dragons cards.”

“Mom, please, those cards are from Magic: the Gathering, and they’re really valuable,” said Karpeles. “Please stop embarrassing me.”

Rival Bitcoin exchanges cited the discovery of further proof that Mt. Gox had been run in an amateur fashion. “Nothing like our fully professional operation here,” said David Dryden, CEO of BitChange, standing in front of BitChange’s global headquarters in the band room, where he was meeting his executive team before gym class.

Hobbits climb Mt. Gox; throw 750,000 bitcoins into Cracks of Doom

26 Feb

MORDOR, Tx—the titanic struggle between light and dark took a dramatic turn today as Frodo Baggins successfully climbed Mt. Gox and threw 6% of the world’s bitcoin supply into the Cracks of Doom. The mountain immediately went offline and received an FBI subpoena.

“It’s a surprising outcome for all of us,” said Cameron, or perhaps Tyler, Winklevoss, who had been marching towards Mordor at the head of his Army of Douches. “Nevertheless, I still think bitcoin is a brilliant investment for everyone. And you should listen to me, because of my long track record of shrewd business decisions.”

It was unclear to experts how exactly 750,000 bitcoins, which are supposed to be indestructible and are purely digital, had simply vanished on Mt. Gox. Concerns immediately spread among vendors of comic books, weird sci-fi costumes, and fake lightsabers.

“Everything is absolutely fine,” said Mark Karpeles, smiling calmly as he stood in front of the Mt. Gox building, which was on fire and being attacked by some kind of demon lizard. “I’m sure everybody’s money is perfectly safe.”

NFL commissioner paid $44 million, “because it’s just so darn hard to get people to watch football”

15 Feb

NEW YORK–the National Football League yesterday filed paperwork showing that Commissioner Roger Goodell earned 44.2 million dollars, making him among the highest-paid executives of any organization in America, and by far the highest-paid leader of a not-for-profit organization.

“Roger deserves every penny,” said Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and member of the committee that sets Goodell’s compensation. “We all know that football has struggled for years to get any cultural traction in the United States, and without him, I doubt anyone would be watching the game at all.”

Kraft went on to list some of Goodell’s more impressive accomplishments as commissioner, which include “Margarita Mondays” at league headquarters and the decision not really to do anything about the concussion crisis, the Miami Dolphins bullying case, or indeed, anything else.

“History shows us that when an organization has been extremely successful for many years, the best thing to do is take your eye off the ball and let things drift for a while,” said Goodell in a statement, wearing a suit sewn out of money. “I have no intention of changing anything now.”

House Republicans concede on debt ceiling, surrender chemical weapons

12 Feb

WASHINGTON–ending a tense standoff, the Republican-led House today passed a clean debt ceiling bill and also indicated that it would destroy its stock of chemical arms.

President Obama, who had been poised to order air strikes, was clearly relieved. “Today’s events have shown that diplomacy can work,” he said at a press conference. “Rogue states have learned that we are not afraid to use force in the face of irrational, destructive behavior.”

According to the White House, UN inspectors would arrive within hours to tag and destroy the Republican caucus’s unconventional weapons, including the writing staff for the O’Reilly Factor.

At one point, the media reported that the peace agreement would also require the GOP to turn over several dangerous fanatics it was harboring, but at press time, both Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor were still at large.

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