Tag Archives: egypt

Egyptian constitution passes with 99.99% approval; some dude named Ibrahim didn’t get the memo

21 Jan

CAIRO—the military-backed Egyptian government today announced that its constitution had been approved by 99.99% of voters. A spokesman explained that the only no votes were cast by an elderly couple with bad vision, a donkey that has mistakenly been on the rolls for two years, and a dude named Ibrahim living in Zamalek “who just didn’t get the memo, I guess.” Added the spokesman, “Oh, and the forty percent of citizens who boycotted the vote.”

Reached by phone, Ibrahim explained that “I thought about it carefully, and then decided to exercise my right to vote no.” He then added, “Hang on, there’s someone at the door.”

The document has been hailed as the ninth-most-democratic constitution in Egyptian history, behind only the last seven constitutions and the Decree of Imhotep IV, a pharaoh who reserved absolute power for himself but was known for being very polite.

“This landmark event ensures that the people of Egypt will be able to determine their own destiny,” said Acting President Adly Mansour. “Except in the political sphere, of course.”

Under the terms of the constitution, sovereignty rests exclusively in the hands of the Egyptian people, “unless they start dicking around with it, in which case the army will take it back.”

Obama threatens “really pissy speech” if massacres in Egypt continue

20 Aug

WASHINGTON—taking a forceful response to the ongoing carnage in Egypt, President Obama today warned the military-backed leadership that he was prepared to make a “really pissy speech” if the massacres continued.

“I started with disappointment, then escalated to irritation, and now the continuing bloodshed leaves me no choice but to contemplate sounding really and truly annoyed,” said the President in a speech to the Foreign Policy Association today.

The President clarified that any changes to Egypt’s $1.5 billion aid package were off the table. “Shooting civilians deserves the strongest possible response, short of doing something non-symbolic,” he explained.

The Republican opposition initially classified the massacres as “an outrage” until it was learned that most of the victims were Muslim, at which point the violence was downgraded to “something far away.”

Seconds after Morsi’s overthrow, Mitt Romney announces candidacy for Egyptian presidency

3 Jul

CAIRO—appearing in Tahrir Square immediately after the announcement that Mohamed Morsi had been ousted by the military, Mitt Romney announced that “after a long period of soul-searching, I reluctantly concluded that my service to Egypt was not yet over,” and declared his candidacy for the presidency.

In response to a question, Romney noted that despite Egypt’s predominantly Muslim and, well, Egyptian population, “I think the country is ready for an American Mormon as president.” He then spoke forcefully of his longstanding admiration for Egypt. “Without your world-class medical schools, I don’t know who would drive our taxis,” he said to an admiring crowd.

General Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi, the commander of the Egyptian military who announced Morsi’s departure, seemed nonplussed by Romney’s announcement, coming only a few seconds after the news of Morsi’s departure spread through the crowd. “How did he even get here?” asked el-Sissi.

Not to be outdone, Rick Perry released a statement that he would make a “special announcement” from Tahrir Square on Monday. “I’m not going to give anything away, but let’s just say I’ve finally found somewhere with even worse health-care outcomes than Texas,” said Perry.

Reacting forcefully to the Middle Eastern crisis, the House Republican leadership announced another symbolic vote to repeal Obamacare. “If this ‘Egypt’ place actually exists, then why isn’t it mentioned in the Bible?” asked Rep. Eric Cantor (R—Virginia).

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