Tag Archives: election

Concern that slow pace of Trump appointments will delay start of the Purge 

20 Jan

WASHINGTON–as the incoming administration struggles to fill senior political appointments, some experts have expressed concern as to whether the country will be able to start the Purge on time.

“It is not as easy as it looks to organize 24 hours of anarchy and violence,” said former director of the OMB Stuart Raysan. “You need to have a communications plan, you need to get the police and military off the streets, you need to make weaponry easily available. If you don’t have all the pieces in place, you can end up in a pickle.”

Transition spokesman Sean Spicer attempted to reassure a press conference that planning was on track. “At the end of the day, we’ll have the people in place to ensure that our cities burn while law-abiding citizens cower in fear,” said Spicer. “Every administration has some teething problems, but ours won’t prevent launching the Purge on schedule.”

Also considered at risk are the administration’s plans for Thunderdome. “In Thunderdome, there are no rules,” said Raysan. “That means you have to revoke a whole lot of rules. There’s a lot of paperwork involved.”

Trump replaces campaign platform with “flying around and doing whatever”

29 Nov

NEW YORK–only weeks after winning the presidential election, Donald Trump announced today that he was making some tweaks to his campaign platform.

“Remember how I said I’d bring jobs back to the heartland? Probably not going to happen,” said the President-Elect. “And instead of building the wall, I thought we might just think about a wall. Okay?”

“Also, we won’t be deporting anyone, or starting a trade war with China, and I’m not going to investigate Hillary Clinton.”

When asked what he would keep from the campaign platform that got him elected, Trump thought for a few minutes. “I think the natural evolution of the platform is, instead of doing stuff, to just sort of fly around and give speeches,” he said. “And hats! We’ll have lots of hats!”

Trump disputes his own election victory

27 Nov

NEW YORK–a visibly angry Donald Trump today demanded a full recount of the November presidential election “in all 55 states,” saying that his margin of victory had been badly underestimated.

“My numbers show that I defeated Hillary Clinton by more than one hundred million votes,” said Trump at an impromptu press conference. “They also show that I won more electoral votes than anyone else in history, and also that I placed first in the all-around women’s gymnastics in Rio.”

The Federal Election Commission, caught off-guard, released a statement later in the day denying the existence of Trump’s extra four states, which included North Idaho, Central Texas, West America, and Eastern West Virginia.

“The whole system is rigged,” said Trump, deftly executing a back handspring down the escalator at Trump Tower.

Chris Christie promoted from head of Trump transition team to Special Advisor Without Portfolio

12 Nov

NEW YORK–Chris Christie’s rapid political ascent continued today with the news that Donald Trump was promoting him from head of the transition team to “Special Advisor,” a post created especially for him.

“As Special Advisor to Donald Trump, I’ll have some of the most important responsibilities in his administration,” said Christie. “For example, I will be responsible for washing the team’s uniforms at home and bringing them back to school. Also, I’ll be in charge of keeping the locker room nice and tidy.”

President-Elect Trump called Chris Christie on Friday afternoon to give him the good news. “Chris, you’ve done such a good job running the transition team, that I want you to stop doing it,” he reportedly said. “I’m going to need you for the big stuff now, like handing out the little cartons of milk at lunchtime, and choosing the order to wake everyone up from nap time.”

Experts agreed that the promotion took Christie to even greater levels. “We’re really in uncharted territory here,” said Suzanne Baldrich, Professor of Made-Up Jobs at the University of Idaho. “Special advisor could mean anything, and Christie’s responsibilities just seem to keep growing. Just this morning we heard that he would be in charge of counting off the Cabinet when they come back in from recess and making sure everyone is there.”

Christie, shown here making sure that everyone is lined up straight before heading to lunch

Hillary Clinton’s long-running feud with Ed O’Neill boils over again

28 Sep

NEW YORK–Hillary Clinton’s longstanding grudge against actor Ed O’Neill erupted again during the presidential debate on Monday night, when she launched a lengthy tirade against the actor best known for his roles on Married…With Children as well as Modern Family.

To the surprise of the audience and dismay of her campaign staff, Clinton was in the middle of a lengthy technical discussion of trade policy when she veered off course to attack O’Neill.

“The TPP let us down in key areas of tariff reduction,” said Clinton. “But you know who else let us down? Ed O’Neill, that big loser.”

Clinton went on to make fun of O’Neill’s achievements. “Nominated for three primetime Emmys. Who does that?” she asked rhetorically. “Losers who can’t act, that’s who.”

Hillary Clinton’s resentment of O’Neill dates back to his days portraying Al Bundy on Married. Friends trace the cause of the bad blood to a time when, for no reason at all, she started to criticize him a lot for no good reason and just couldn’t let it go.

While Clinton’s staff desperately tried to change the subject, the candidate was unmoved. “We’ve got two more debates,” she warned. “If Ed O’Neill believes he’s going to get out of them unscathed, he has another think coming.”


Clinton is known for mouthing off about people she doesn’t like for no reason whatsoever.

Chris Christie denies he even wanted that job at the car wash

13 Aug

TRENTON–Gov. Chris Christie (R) today denied that he had even wanted the cashier’s job at Hassan’s 24-Hour Car Wash, just down the street from the statehouse. Owner Hassan Haleed announced yesterday that the role would go to 27-year-old Ron Wetherston, who will be leaving his post at Arby’s in the coming weeks.

“I already have a job,” said Christie after checking his phone. “While the cashier’s job at Hassan’s is of course a real plum, I’m not thinking about what comes next. I’m focused on doing the best job that I can for the people of New Jersey.”

Experts dispute this account, noting that Christie had been promoting the car wash extensively in recent weeks, twirling a big arrow on the sidewalk outside Hassan’s and promoting the “Luxury Wax” service in frequent speeches.

Wetherston, who many think was picked because of his familiarity with the type of cash register used at Hassan’s, spoke graciously of Christie. “He’s a real talent, and he will always be a close friend of the car wash,” said Wetherston. He did not respond to questions asking whether Christie might be able to get a different job on the lot, perhaps in concessions or on the hose. “It’s too early for those discussions,” he said.

Barack Obama “pretty sure” that Donald Trump didn’t plagiarize his 2008 convention speech

21 Jul

WASHINGTON–after a close textual analysis of both speeches, President Obama announced that he was “about 90% certain” that Donald Trump had not plagiarized his 2008 convention speech.

 

“We did a side-by-side comparison,” said the President. “And while we did find a few similarities, overall, I think they were pretty different.”

 

“For example, I said ‘It is that promise that’s always set this country apart, that through hard work and sacrifice each of us can pursue our individual dreams, but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams, as well.’ Donald’s line sounds similar, but if you look at the exact words, he actually said, ‘If you don’t vote for me, terrorists will murder you in your sleep, and crows will feast on your eyeballs.”

 

“Also, his lines about Americans choking on their own blood–I didn’t actually use those exact words in my speech, even though you might have thought so.”

 

Asked about the similarities he did spot, the President noted that “We both wore suits, and we thanked the audience at the end.” He paused and thought for a moment. “I think.”

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