Tag Archives: election

Donald Trump humiliated by not being in Mossack Fonseca documents

7 Apr

PANAMA CITY–embarrassed that his name was nowhere to be found among the leaked Mossack Fonseca files, Donald Trump today insisted that “I’m absolutely shielding huge amounts of money offshore–I just used a different Panamanian law firm.”

 
The Mossack Fonseca leak has revealed the names of thousands of wealthy clients who used the Panamanian firm to create dummy corporations to shield their money from tax authorities. The names included many world leaders as well as wealthy businessmen from the US and elsewhere, but Trump was not listed anywhere.

 
“Listen, I’m just like all those guys. I’m shielding millions–billions, actually–of dollars offshore. They just haven’t found me yet,” said Trump.

In response to questions as to why he didn’t use Mossack Fonseca, the market leader in concealing ill-gotten wealth, Trump seemed defensive.

“Listen, I used only the best firm, okay? The firm I used is way bigger and way better at tax dodging than these Mossad Canseco guys.”

Pressed for the name, Trump said he couldn’t remember it. “I talk to literally thousands of law firms every day,” said the Republican presidential candidate. “All the best ones. I can’t remember every single name.”

John Kasich confident he will start to beat Marco Rubio “soon” in primary voting

25 Mar

COLUMBUS, Ohio–a few days after finishing fourth in the Arizona Republican primary, behind Marco Rubio who had already dropped out of the race, John Kasich announced today that “we absolutely have Marco in our sights, and we’re going to overtake him very, very soon.”

While some experts doubt that Kasich, who has only won his home state to date and whose appeal to Republican voters has proved extremely limited, will ever beat Rubio, the campaign issued a list of talking points explaining why they “believe John can get it done.”

The list notes that Rubio has removed his name from most of the remaining ballots, and that he has widely publicized his decision to drop out of the race.

“We’re pretty sure that when they know their candidate is completely out of the race, some voters might consider John Kasich, if they don’t want to vote for Trump or Cruz, or if they have eyesight problems, or shaky hands,” said a spokesman for the Kasich campaign. “That’s our target demographic.”

Republican leadership trying to remember why they thought voting was such a good idea

17 Mar

DALLAS–speaking at a closed-door session of Republican donors and activists today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus tried to lay out the case for why the party moved away from smoke-filled rooms towards primaries where people can vote.

“It had something to do with…it wasn’t justice, exactly, but it was something like–I think maybe there was a tax angle to it?” Priebus finally said, scratching his head in puzzlement.

As Donald Trump continued his run of successes in the Republican primaries, party leaders have been checking the fine print on what exactly winning primary elections means.

“Look, I’ve checked, and presidential primaries aren’t mentioned even once in the Bible,” said Sen. Mike Lee (R–UT). “To my mind, then, they are null and void.”

Lee’s sentiment was widely shared by party leaders. “Sure, we have these votes, but I always like to think of them as purely advisory,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan (R–WI). “The party can pick anyone it wants to run for president. If they want to ditch Trump and go with–for example–a young Midwestern congressman who seems reasonable and really would like to be President but doesn’t like the work involved to get there–that’s up to them.”

Priebus closed his speech by noting that “sometimes the votes go your way, and sometimes they don’t. And when the latter happens, we like to go to Plan B.”

  
Not that Plan B.

Donald Trump clarifies that he was talking about former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich

12 Mar

NEW YORK–seeking to clear up a misunderstanding, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump explained that his comments last week were an endorsement “of my good friend Robert Reich,” referring to the Secretary of Labor in the Clinton administration.

“I know it’s fanciful, but I think it would be great if Robert Reich lived for a thousand years,” explained Trump. “I don’t know what you guys thought I was talking about.”

Trump also explained that he liked the Secretary so much that instead of candles on his next birthday cake, “we should all parade around with torches–that’s how excited I’ll be to celebrate.”

Finally, Trump expressed surprise that “anyone cares about how big my living room is. So I want to expand it a little–what’s the big deal?”

  
“So they’re waving,” said Trump. “What’s the big deal?”

Rubio: “Everything is going exactly according to plan”

9 Mar

MIAMI–Marco Rubio, fresh off two last-place finishes and two third-place finishes in Tuesday’s voting, announced to an excited crowd here today that “Everything is going exactly according to our plan,” and predicted a strong surge in performance in the coming weeks.

“Last night, America took another big step towards saying yes to President Rubio,” the candidate said, as the Hilton housekeeping staff vacuumed around him. “What are the two elections that everyone says really matter in the first half of the primary? Minnesota and Puerto Rico. Did we win Minnesota and Puerto Rico? Yes, we did.”

Rubio later assured major donors that his surprising collapse in support over the past two weeks, as he has fallen from a strong second-place finisher in most elections to a distant third or fourth, “is all part of the plan.”

“It’s hard to explain exactly what the plan is,” he explained on a conference call. “But we’ve got ’em exactly where we want ’em.”

“We got two third-place finishes last night,” added Rubio later in the call. “You know what they call someone who gets third place in the Olympics? A medallist, that’s what.”

Later in the day, the Rubio campaign unveiled a powerful new slogan, “The best alternative to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, except for maybe John Kasich.”

  
“What a lot of people don’t yet understand is that I really, really want to be president,” said Rubio.

Rubio’s Minnesota-only strategy pays off handsomely

2 Mar

ST. PAUL, Minnesota—putting all doubts about his candidacy to rest, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) swept to victory last night in the Minnesota caucuses, with more than 41,000 votes and a solid margin of victory over Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

“They said we couldn’t do it,” Rubio announced to an ecstatic crowd at his victory party here. “They said our exclusive focus on Minnesota would backfire, that we didn’t have a viable path to the nomination. And you know what I say to those people?” he continued, looking around for dramatic effect. “I say…twelve delegates in the bag.”

Terry Sullivan, Rubio’s campaign manager, was in a similarly upbeat mood. “There’s still some mopping up to do,” said Sullivan this morning in an exclusive interview with twissblog. “We need to win, you know, all the other states. But with Minnesota firmly in our column, I don’t think anyone has any doubts.”

Republican party elders, worried about the rise of Donald Trump, seemed immensely relieved by the results. “When I saw the AP call Minnesota for Marco, it was like a whole weight was lifted off my chest,” said Mitch McConnell. “Either that, or my heart attack was going away.”

Rubio renewed his appeal to Ted Cruz to drop out of the race. “I salute Ted’s service to the American people,” said Rubio towards the end of his speech. “But at this point in the race, he’s only won four states, and has less than twice the number of delegates I do. It’s time for the party to come together behind me.”

Marco Rubio confident of “strong” second-place finish at GOP convention

25 Feb

WASHINGTON–coming off back-to-back strong showings in Nevada and South Carolina, an optimistic Marco Rubio today declared that he was “almost certainly” going to finish a strong second in the Republican primary process.

“A few months ago, people thought we were down and out,” said Rubio. “But we keep on racking up 15, 20 percent of the vote, and we’re going to ride that train all the way to Cleveland in July.”

As Donald Trump’s delegate count and lead in the polls continued to grow, Rubio boasted that “there’s no way we finish this thing with less than three hundred delegates at the convention,” out of the 1,237 required for the nomination.

Cruz’s campaign immediately fired back, noting that “if anyone is going to lose this thing to Trump, it’s us.” A Cruz spokesman also noted that “Marco is the wrong candidate for America, even if it turns out he isn’t actually a criminal atheist who has a big crush on Hillary, which–let me be clear–we don’t think is definitely the case at all.”

Marco Rubio under sedation after repeating Obama sound bite two hundred times in a row

7 Feb

DOVER, New Hampshire–in a stunning turn of events, Sen. Marco Rubio (R–FL) was admitted today to Dover Medical Center, reportedly suffering from a fugue state in which he was only able to repeat the same thirty-second sound bite about President Obama in response to all questions.
After last night’s presidential debate, the candidate’s wife, Jeanette Rubio, became concerned after they met in the hotel room and she asked if he had accidentally picked up her toothbrush instead of his own.
“That’s the problem with Barack Obama. It isn’t inexperience; it’s ideology,” said her husband.
A concerned Jeanette Rubio summoned aides, who attempted to get Rubio to snap out of his trance-like state by asking basic questions about the Miami Dolphins and the University of Florida, only to be told that Barack Obama has deliberately led the United States to this point.
After Rubio repeated the comment an additional hundred times, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where he was being kept in an induced coma, in which the only signs of consciousness are fluttering eyelids and a well-articulated three-point plan.

Jeb Bush’s support from Latino Republicans in New Hampshire plummets from 66.66% to 33.33%

4 Feb

NASHUA, New Hampshire–the struggling presidential campaign of Jeb Bush took another blow today when polls showed that his support from Latino Republicans living in New Hampshire had fallen precipitously. This has called into question his so-called “Hispanic strategy” as a path to victory.

“Look, we were never going to get Maria,” said David Smith, Bush’s Director of Latino Outreach, referring to Maria Aleman, a second-generation Colombian-American living in Portsmouth. “She’s committed to Rubio. But I thought we had Hector Tamalpais locked up. I don’t know what happened.”

Tamalpais, reached at his home in Dover, explained that “I don’t know; I’m just not really feeling good about Jeb any more.” He said that he was increasingly drawn to John Kasich, “although I like Christie, too.”

Smith said he felt “very confident” that the third Latino Republican, Jose Aznar, “was solidly for us,” and went on to note that “33.33% of any group is an impressive result.”

“Look, this thing might end up in a tie,” said Smith. “If Jeb finishes equal-first among Latinos, and eighth among non-Latinos, who’s really to say who won New Hampshire?”

GOP proposes new debate format, in which people line up and punch Ted Cruz in the face

28 Jan

NEW YORK–with tonight’s Republican presidential primary debate facing uncertainty after Donald Trump’s refusal to participate, GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today suggested an alternative format, “which will consist of people just lining up and then getting to punch Ted Cruz in the face.”

Priebus outlined the proposed approach in an impromptu forty-minute press conference here, most of which consisted of him describing in loving detail what it would be like to punch Ted Cruz in the face.

“And we’ll let anyone in. Other candidates, their families, kids, anyone. A line out the back of the auditorium. And Ted getting punched over, and over, and over,” concluded Priebus, repeating “and over” an additional sixty times before an aide gently led him away by the arm.

In a surprising move, Priebus also used the speech to endorse Donald Trump, nemesis of the GOP establishment, as the best hope of stopping Cruz. Priebus then went on to also endorse Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Benito Mussolini, “and anyone else who can take Ted down a notch.”

Trump, who is vying neck-and-neck with Cruz for victory in the Iowa caucauses next week, released a devastating new anti-Cruz ad today, titled “Get a load of this guy” and consisting of various photos and short videos of Cruz.

  
If elected, Ted cruz pledges to poke every single American in the chest while making a point.

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