Tag Archives: elections

Obama confident of Democrats’ chances in midterms tomorrow; also picks Oakland Raiders to win the Super Bowl

3 Nov

WASHINGTON–showing his trademark irrepressible energy and enthusiasm, President Obama today announced that he was “feeling good” about the Democratic Party’s chances in tomorrow’s midterm elections. He predicted that the party would retain control of the Senate and “perhaps pick up a few seats” in the House. He then revealed that he was picking the Oakland Raiders (0-8) to win this year’s Super Bowl.

“Look, I’ve got a good feeling about those Raiders, is all,” said Obama. “And if there’s one thing I’m good at doing, it’s anticipating events and responding fluidly to change.”

Obama outlined the Raiders’ “all but certain” path to the Super Bowl, explaining that first the team would need to win out (“which looks pretty good from here”) before knocking off his other AFC playoff picks, the New York Jets and the Jacksonville Jaguars, en route to the big game.

He did not bring the same level of detail to his prediction of midterm success, and would not be drawn into which Senate seats he expected to retain. “That situation’s a little less certain than the Raiders,” he explained.

Democrats quietly confident of “strong second-place finish” in midterms

21 Oct

WASHINGTON—sources close to leading Democrats say that with the midterm elections only weeks away, there is growing confidence that the party will “easily” coast to a strong second-place finish in both the House and Senate.

“We don’t want to jinx this thing or take our eye off the ball, but second place is in the bag,” said one operative, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We will be miles ahead of all of the third parties.”

Sources cite internal polling showing that the Democrats could capture between 42 and 48 seats in the Senate and almost 200 in the House, putting them well ahead of independents, the Patriot Party, the Socialist Workers’ Party, the Party Party Party, and the Taxpayers’ Party.

“Even if we fade a little in the home stretch, there is almost no chance that someone else is going to surge at the last minute and take second place away from us,” said another party insider. “We’re a lock for the opposition.”

The Democrats are so confident that Sen. Harry Reid (D—NV) is said to already have ordered letterhead with “Senate Minority Leader” printed on it.

“I don’t want to brag, but this one is done,” said the insider.

Harry Reid “highly confident” of as many as 48 Senate seats

Florida sends “crack team” of experts to assist in Afghan election recount

7 Jul

KABUL–with tensions rising here because of a disputed vote count in the Afghan presidential election, both candidates today welcomed the arrival of a “crack team of experts” from the Florida Secretary of State’s office.

The team of twelve experts arrived in Kabul four days late, having accidentally booked tickets to Azerbaijan instead of Afghanistan. They then lost their traveller’s checks, locked themselves in their hotel room, and flushed their credentials down the toilet, before finally arriving here today in a very little car.

“We’re delighted to be here today to assist in the Armenian election,” said delegation head Katherine Harris, who was taking a leave of absence from her job as head of quality assurance at General Motors. When an aide clarified that Harris had meant “Afghan,” she politely declined, noting that it was warm enough in the room.

The two candidates in the election, Ashraf Ghani and Abdullah Abdullah, welcomed the support. “If anyone knows how to conduct a smooth election, it’s Florida,” said Ghani at a rare joint press conference. “We look forward to having the team of experts get started, as soon as we can figure out where they are.”

20140707-164241.jpgA Florida election official preparing for his daily briefing.

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