Tag Archives: England

Twissblog Brexit special

24 Jun

LONDON–in a surprise to experts, British voters chose overnight to leave the European Union by a surprisingly wide margin of 52% to 48%.

English voters chose Brexit by a wide margin, while Scotland voted heavily for remain. Scottish National Party leader Nicola Sturgeon confirmed that the SNP would immediately push for another referendum to secede from the UK and remain in the EU.

Edinburgh voters, meanwhile, were less sympathetic to the Remain campaign, and the Edinburgh Independence Party released a statement stating that it would be pushing for a vote to determine whether Edinburgh should remain part of Scotland in order to avoid leaving the UK.

The St. Andrews Civic Association, representing the prosperous section of the city where many businesses are headquartered, disavowed the EIP independence push, and announced that it was launching a campaign to leave Edinburgh in order to remain part of Scotland in order to exit the UK in order to remain part of Europe.

McClachey’s, a small coffee shop in the middle of St. Andrews Square, announced that it wanted no part of the “SACA’s twisted schemes,” and that it would secede from St. Andrews in order to remain part of Edinburgh.
David Gillies, who started at McClachey’s three weeks ago, said that the whole thing was “rubbish” and he was going to look for a job at Costa Coffee on the other side of the square.

In the meantime, UK Prime Minister David Cameron, who called the Brexit referendum despite opposing an EU departure, announced that he would resign in the coming months. Although he did not specify his future plans, he did say that he had an idea for a startup to deter thieves by placing thermonuclear devices inside cars that would go off if anyone tampers with the door locks.

English woman has baby

22 Jul

LONDON–in an event being described as the biggest news story of the year, an English woman had a healthy baby son today.

“I’m just so excited,” sobbed Angela Midriff, 23, a dental hygienist who was among the delirious crowds that poured out onto the streets as the news broke. “It just proves that we’re back, you know?”

According to many onlookers, sixty or seventy years from now, after virtually all of today’s adult population is dead, the baby will have a ceremonial role with no meaningful impact on anyone’s life.

The British tabloid press is offering millions of pounds in the hopes of securing the first photos of the baby. According to industry insiders, it is expected to look like a baby.

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