Tag Archives: entertainment

Sesame Street to move to HBO in the fall, at last allowing for more violence and profanity

14 Aug

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, HBO and Sesame Workshop today announced a deal that would see new Sesame Street episodes airing exclusively on HBO, starting this fall.

“We’re delighted to announce our new partnership with HBO,” said Jeffrey Dunn, chief executive of Sesame Workshop. “Not only will this shore up our finances and ensure that we are able to produce original programming in the years ahead, but it will finally allow us to show the dark, gritty side of Sesame Street that we couldn’t use on PBS.”

Like many other producers, Dunn explained that he was looking forward to the “creative freedom” that cable television provided. “We plan to see a lot more hookers and blow next season,” he said. “Our new unconstrained format will allow us to provide educational programming to that underserved demographic, the children of rich white people with pay TV subscriptions.”

An HBO spokesman noted that “we look forward to welcoming Sesame Street to our lineup of award-winning shows, and then to making it really hard to watch and unpleasant, because that’s what great educational television is all about.”

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We didn’t make this, but it’s still pretty awesome

Americans about ready for baseball season to be over

15 Apr

NEW YORK—as early April stretches into mid-April, most Americans are now saying they’ve had about enough baseball for the year.

“I mean, I love spring training, Opening Day, all of that,” said David Landry, filing out of another Yankees loss this afternoon. “But it just seems like this season’s been going on forever. I’m about ready to be done, you know?”

“I’m just tired of seeing it everywhere—bars, the gym, in the kitchen at work—and I just figure we must be almost through with this,” said Tammira Philippe, who barely looked up as someone in a uniform hit a bloop single. “I just think however many games we’ve had—what is it, seven, eight? It’s too many.”

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred responded to the comments with understanding, and said that baseball was looking into ways to keep the game interesting, such as not playing baseball as much.

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To make the game more interesting, players will have to use angled bats on weekends.

Noted libertarian entertainer RuPaul launches campaign for Republican presidential nomination

9 Apr

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, famous drag queen RuPaul announced on Tuesday that he was entering the Republican primary, becoming the second declared candidate after Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX).

RuPaul, the Tea Party darling, is noted for his outspoken small-government views, isolationist foreign policy, and longstanding career in drag, announced that “this is not a campaign for me, but for all Americans who feel oppressed by the long arm of government, who just want to live their lives alone, holed up in their bunkers with their dog, guns, and canned food.”

While many had expected Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) to enter the race, RuPaul explained that “Rand and I talked it over, and we both agreed that I’m a lot more in the mainstream than he is.”

Libertarian supporters noted that they felt “more confident than ever,” pointing out that Atlas Shrugged was currently #1,282 on the Amazon bestseller list, just behind A Wolf’s Desire, which is about sex with werewolves.

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Known for his fierce opposition to the Federal Reserve

North Korea demonstrates crushing technological superiority once again with Sony hack

19 Dec

TOKYO–elite North Korean hackers today showed the world once again why Pyongyang is the hottest destination for tech talent, breaking into Sony Corporation’s servers and stealing virtually all of the company’s files.

“We’ve known the North Koreans have the best software, the best hardware, and the best talent,” said serial tech entrepreneur Jim Davies, who moved to Silicon Valley two years ago after finding that he couldn’t keep up north of the DMZ. “The Sony hack just shows that Japan, and indeed all the rest of us, are falling further behind.”

While the attackers left few digital fingerprints, American forensic technicians found fragments of code first seen on JucheBay, an e-commerce site where can North Koreans can list their items and the state takes them by force without compensation.

Davies said the problem could worsen significantly in the near future. “There are literally tens of thousands of brilliant software engineers in North Korea right now,” he said. “And when they finish the potato harvest and are allowed to return home, there’s no telling what they’ll be able to achieve.”

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The Rodong 1000, capable of performing literally dozens of calculations per second.

President Obama normalizes relations with Cuba Gooding, Jr.

17 Dec

WASHINGTON—ending a feud that has dragged on for years between the two men, President Obama today announced that he was re-establishing relations with the actor Cuba Gooding, Jr., effective immediately.

“The policy of isolation has failed,” said Obama in a speech here today. “We can do more by engaging with Cuba than by attempting to undermine him.”

Effective immediately, Americans will be able to visit Cuba without a visa, including “all areas of his house—the back yard, the pool—everything,” said a State Department spokesman. Also, he may engage in “normal commercial interactions,” such as buying Girl Scout cookies or renting a movie on iTunes.

The president’s action immediately drew both strong support and stinging criticism from politicians on both sides of the aisle. “This is nothing but a craven surrender,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R—FL), a staunch opponent of the regime. “Cuba is responsible for some of the greatest atrocities of the last hundred years, including ‘Snow Dogs’ and ‘Daddy Day Care,’ and we should reject appeasement in all its forms.”

The president changed his mind, according to aides, over the weekend, when he watched the iconic clip of Gooding, Jr., yelling “Show me the money” in the film ‘Jerry Maguire.’ “That guy is hilarious, and we need to patch this up,” Obama is reported to have said.

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No longer a grave threat to the United States, as long as you don’t try to watch ‘Lightning Jack’

Kathleen Sebelius to replace Letterman as host of The Late Show

11 Apr

NEW YORK—only days after David Letterman announced his retirement, CBS has moved quickly to replace him, hiring Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius to host the long-running show.

“No one has made us laugh more during this past year than Kathleen Sebelius,” said Leslie Moonves, CEO of CBS. “Her track record of practical jokes and absurd humor, always delivered with a straight face, makes her the natural successor to Dave.”

Some critics questioned whether Sebelius’s style was a good fit for late-night television. “While Letterman is known for his top-ten lists and pet tricks, Sebelius is better at long-running satire, like healthcare.gov, or very dry humor, like her claim to Congress that the rollout was going well,” said David Carr of the New York Times.

An as-yet unresolved question was whether Sebelius would host the show in-character as the “Secretary,” her best-known and best-loved persona. “I hope so,” said Carr. “The Secretary is just hilarious.”

Shirley Temple dies at 85; sadly media fails to fully exploit tragedy

11 Feb

WOODSIDE, California—Shirley Temple, the famous child actress, died at home yesterday at age 85.

“It’s sad when anyone dies,” said Access Hollywood host Billy Bush. “But it’s especially sad when there’s nothing tawdry we can rub in the faces of our viewers, you know?” He sighed. “It’s just so upsetting.”

Upmarket media was equally upset. “There’s really no flimsy metaphor about society as a whole that we can use as an excuse to relate scurrilous gossip here,” said Sia Michel, arts editor of the New York Times. “There isn’t really any scurrilous gossip, period.”

Although Temple had been on a temporary 64-year hiatus from the film industry, she had started a comeback in the last few years, most recently appearing on the Red Skelton Hour in 1963, where she received generally positive reviews. “We had hoped for her to come back on the show soon, but then we found out Red passed away in 1997,” said her longtime agent.

Growing optimism at Syria peace talks that Justin Bieber “will learn from DUI”

24 Jan

GENEVA–after a contentious start, the Syrian peace talks here grew significantly more optimistic yesterday, with negotiators from both the government and the opposition hopeful that Justin Bieber “will take the right lessons from his DUI arrest” and straighten his ways, according to one participant.

While there has been no movement on the underlying issues fueling the Syrian civil war, including ethnic and religious strife that has led to more than 100,000 deaths, there was nonetheless growing confidence that “Bieber is just starting the next phase of his career,” in the words of opposition commander Ibrahim Salwaar.

Government officials shared this view. President Bashar Assad noted in a tweet that “Justin #Bieber will use DUI 2 learn and grow 4eva #secondchances,” although he also then warned that his army would create a “sea of blood” in fighting outside Aleppo.

“Look, at the end of the day, we’re united by our common humanity, and the desire to see Justin stay on the straight and narrow,” said Secretary of State John Kerry, sporting a new Bieber-inspired haircut. “This can only be good news.”

Deep fears for America’s competitiveness as Russell Johnson, “The Professor” on Gilligan’s Island, dies at 89

17 Jan

SEATTLE—concern over America’s scientific and engineering capabilities grew today as Russell Johnson, better known as “The Professor” on Gilligan’s Island, died yesterday at age 89.

The cause was a falling coconut, family members reported.

Johnson was well-known for his pioneering ability to build sophisticated telecommunications products using only items commonly found on desert islands. After developing a series of radio receivers out of palm fronds in the 1960s, he went on to develop a range of mobile devices using fish parts, rocks, and native vegetation.

Working before the rise of the venture-capital industry, Johnson’s many startups were funded primarily by longtime friend and neighbor Thurston Howell III, who made a second fortune commercializing Johnson’s many inventions.

Although Johnson had been less active in recent years, he said recently that he felt vindicated to learn that his signature “clamshell” phone was experiencing a resurgence in popularity.

Rupert Murdoch files for divorce, complaining that wife has not “aged as gracefully as I have”

13 Jun

NEW YORK—after 14 years of marriage, billionaire Rupert Murdoch filed for divorce today, noting that his 44-year-old wife Wendi Deng was “not aging well at all.”

Murdoch, 82, explained in a subsequent interview that Deng was “cramping his style” when they went out, and that “because of her, no one believes we’re twenty-somethings any more.”

The media mogul also revealed the secret of his oft-cited magnetic personality and looks, which turns out to be “enormous amounts of money spent rashly.”

While the business community expressed concerns that the divorce could impact the family’s role in the News Corporation, management hastened to reassure investors that there would be no interruption to the company’s phone hacking and influence-peddling.

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Wendi Deng, seen here with an unidentified man in a scary Halloween costume

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