Tag Archives: europe

Deal reached to keep Mexican cartel boss “El Chapo” Guzman in the Eurozone

13 Jul

BRUSSELS–after exhaustive, all-night negotiations, Europe’s political leaders reached a deal this morning that would keep notorious Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” in the Eurozone.

“We have a deal,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “While it’s not perfect, it’s much better than seeing El Chapo exit the euro.”

Under the terms of the deal, Guzman agreed to extensive labor-market and tax reforms in the cartel under his control, and as a result, the European Central Bank will start negotiations to restructure the cartel’s Euro-denominated debt, which consists of several unpaid VHS rental fines from El Chapo’s vacation to Rome in 2003. “We can extend the maturities of the fines as required, and we will overlook the fact that Guzman did not rewind Police Academy IV,” said Merkel.

After completing the negotiations at 7am local time, the European leaders also reached a sort-of-agreement with Greece to restructure its debts. Under the terms of the agreement, Greece will pass legislation handing control of the country to Germany, after which “we’ll see what we feel like doing,” said Merkel.

Guzman: “Of course I kept Jedi for an extra three days. It’s a great movie.”

Selfish refugees seek to steal European jobs, also not be murdered

22 May

ROME–as Europe’s refugee crisis continues with more boatloads of migrants making the risky crossing of the Mediterranean, many of the migrants admitted that they were headed over for primarily selfish reasons.

“All my life I’ve dreamed of living in poverty, cleaning toilets and being harrassed by police,” said Emrip Khan, who arrived in Sicily this week after fleeing the Libyan civil war with his three surviving children. “And in the EU, I can finally make that dream come true.”

A spokesman for the United Kingdom’s anti-immigrant party, UKIP, shared his indignation at the incoming waves of refugees. “They’re all a bunch of whiners,” said David Whitewurst. “It’s all don’t-let-me-be-killed-by-the-solders and my-children-are-starving. They should have thought about that when they were being born somewhere else, that’s what I say.”

European leaders held discussions this week on how to stem the flow of migrants without leaving them at the mercy of armed conflict in their home regions. Those discussions concluded after fifteen minutes, after which they started discussions on how to stem the flow of migrants.

“We are very concerned with the humanitarian crisis on the doorstep of Europe,” said Nils Muiznieks, Human Rights Commissioner for the Council of Europe. “We strongly prefer that humanitarian crises take place far away.”

A bunch of refugees just standing around doing nothing, instead of launching startups or mining Bitcoins

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

New Spanish King pledges to take country “forward to the 17th century”

3 Jun

MADRID–Crown Prince Felipe of Spain, soon to become king following the abdication of his father, pledged today that “the 17th century will be even better” and that “Spanish dominance of the New World” would continue indefinitely thanks to its many silver mines.

“Some would have you believe that Spain’s days as a great power are coming to an end,” said Felipe, speaking to a company of conquistadores preparing to set sail across the Atlantic. “Yet I say our global superiority is just beginning.”

Felipe pointed to recent improvements in flintlock manufacturing and celestial navigation as likely to maintain his country’s predominance. “Especially if we can get rid of those pesky, colorful pirates,” he added.

Felipe’s father, King Juan Carlos, announced his abdication recently in the face of growing unpopularity. Critics say the turning point came last year on an elephant hunting trip to Botswana, where he reportedly failed to kill even a single elephant.

Danish zoo kills all its animals to make room for more animals

27 Mar

COPENHAGEN–one month after killing a healthy young giraffe named Marius, and only days after killing four healthy lions, the Copenhagen Zoo reports that “now that it has some momentum,” it has gone ahead and killed all of its animals, “in order that we have space to get some more animals.”

“Well, we started with Marius, and then it was the lions, and then we figured, hey, we’re getting pretty good at this, so why not finish the job?” said Jens Jensen, Vice Chair for Children’s Programs and Euthanasia. “Now that we’ve gotten rid of all the animals, we look forward to receiving new ones soon.”

According to a report posted on the zoo’s website, it has now disposed of “six giraffes, five lions, two elephants, twenty or so animals that are basically just some variant of deer, and a slow-moving janitor.”

Jensen said that zoos around the world were sending new animals, and that most of them would arrive by the middle of May. “We encourage the public to come visit all the new and amazing creatures we’re going to have here at the Copenhagen Zoo,” he said. “Although I wouldn’t suggest you get too attached.”

Fulfilling pledge of “toughest retaliation” for Crimea, EU cancels “Russian Night” in staff cafeteria

18 Mar

BRUSSELS–in a bold move showing Vladimir Putin that “Europe means business,” the EU announced that it was responding to Russia’s annexation of Crimea with the “biggest weapon in our diplomatic arsenal,” canceling this Thursday’s long-awaited “Russian Night” in the staff canteen.

The announcement was made by an anonymous weedy little man named Jacques, or George, or something, who is currently serving as the Deputy Second Assistant Minister for Cafeteria Affairs. By longstanding tradition, the DSAMCA position is rotated among Norway, Belgium, and a nice little sushi place in Lisbon.

EU staffers were excited, although also a little nervous, at the move. “I think Russia only expected a symbolic slap on the wrist,” said a woman with rimless glasses who is “very senior” in the European legislation-shipping business. “They were surprised when we closed the special matrioshka-doll exhibit two weeks early, and then this has them completely flat-footed.”

Putin had no immediate response to the EU’s move. His staff said that he was busy shooting. His staff later issued a clarification that he was busy shooting animals.

Obama promises allies “20 percent less spying”

28 Oct

WASHINGTON—President Obama today promised America’s leading allies that he would reduce spying on their leaders by “twenty percent or more” in order to “increase your trust in America even further.” The offer follows outrage over the revelation that the NSA has been monitoring the private conversations of European heads of state for years.

“While the exact figure is classified, I’m happy to report that we will spy on you at least one-fifth less than we have in the past,” the President told diplomats at a closed-door briefing at the White House, sources report. Obama went on to explain that electronic surveillance would only be ramped up in case of extreme necessity, and then only after a detailed review process, which would consist of “me asking some guys whether it made sense, and then nodding a couple of times.”

The White House later released a statement explaining that Obama had not been aware of the eavesdropping until relatively recently. “The specific targets of surveillance are dealt with at an agency level,” the statement read. “Spying on allied heads of state and derailing decades of trust isn’t the sort of thing the President should have to get involved with.”

Sources in the NSA confirm that the spying, which has apparently now stopped, produced relatively little of value. Said one analyst who listened to hundreds of hours of cell phone calls from Angela Merkel, “it was mostly just a bunch of stuff in German.”

Growing concern in Italy as political gridlock causes government to remain open

3 Oct

ROME—fears mounted today as the Italian government remained open today, failing to collapse due to divisions in the center-right party.

“All of us were counting on a no-confidence motion that would have triggered a dissolution of the government,” said Ernani della’Chiere, political editor of La Repubblica. “Instead, it’s more slow news days, unemployed poll workers, and one dull labor-market reform after another.”

The gridlock occurred when Silvio Berlusconi’s party, which had been maneuvering to take down the government essentially in order to allow Berlusconi to stay out of jail, instead split, with a mutinous faction vowing to continue the government’s pro-growth reforms.

The prognosis was grim, with little prospect of a government collapse on the horizon. Some commentators said it could be months before the next spectacular flameout.

“This is a violation of everything Italy stands for,” said Berlusconi at an impromptu press conference outside a seedy hotel in Milan. His economic advisor, 19-year-old Alessandra Bontutti, confirmed that the situation was “terrible” and asked if anyone had seen her other shoe.

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