Tag Archives: events

Malaysian government can’t remember where it wrote down coordinates of missing jet

21 Mar

KUALA LUMPUR–the search area for the missing Malaysia Airlines jet narrowed considerably when the government admitted today that it had a Post-It Note with the exact crash coordinates written on it.

“Apparently we received a satellite transmission with the precise location where the plane hit the water,” said a spokesman for the Malaysian Ministry of Aviation Safety and Volleyball. “But I wrote it down on a Post-It and just forgot I had it. Sorry about that!”

A multinational task force immediately swung into action off Australia’s western coast. “As usual, the initial focus will be on taking photographs of people staring out of helicopter windows at the water,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “Later, we will redeploy those people to the actual search area.”

As the search headed into its third week at the same time as the Crimean crisis continues, the American news media found itself desperately hoping that a celebrity would commit a major crime. “I mean, come on,” said Matt Lauer. “What’s next, some multilateral trade agreement? We need some A-list mug shots, and we need them now.”

Pope Francis celebrates Easter; resigns afterwards

31 Mar

ROME–saying that “this job isn’t really what I expected,” Pope Francis shocked the world by resigning as head of the Roman Catholic church, just a few weeks after his historic election.

Francis closed an otherwise uneventful Easter mass by asking the congregation to “stick around for a few minutes.” Then, speaking in fluent Italian, he explained that “being Pope just didn’t seem like it really fits me,” and “I think I need to do something more connected with music and fashion.”

Some of the church faithful seemed pleased. “It seems only fair that all of them should get a turn,” said Massimo Dellatore, a local citizen. “Also, conclaves are good for business.”

Others were less happy. “This resignation means that the church will continue to drift for a few more months,” said Alessandra Castagnoli. “I was hoping it would drift for years.”

In “freakish coincidence,” malfunctioning drone attacks Rand Paul

9 Mar

WASHINGTON–in what puzzled scientists are calling a bizarre coincidence, Sen. Rand Paul (R–KY) nearly escaped death today when a malfunctioning Predator drone accidentally released its weapons while directly over him, incinerating his car.

“The odds of this have to be less than a billion to one,” said a CIA spokesman at a hastily called press conference. “The odds of an accidental weapons release striking someone–they’re just astronomical.”

“The Hellfire missile is heat-seeking, and satellite imagery showed an enormous column of hot air emanating from Senator Paul just before the accident,” said defense expert Col. Robert Wilson. “He survived only because the tinfoil hat he was wearing confused the Predator’s radar.”

The White House released a message of condolence and concern approximately fifteen minutes before the accident occurred. “I have no idea how that happened,” said President Obama.

Senator Paul was taken to Walter Reed hospital by first responders, who found him ranting incoherently by the side of the road. He was released after medical staff found that this was a pre-existing condition.

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