Tag Archives: Finance

Deal reached to keep Mexican cartel boss “El Chapo” Guzman in the Eurozone

13 Jul

BRUSSELS–after exhaustive, all-night negotiations, Europe’s political leaders reached a deal this morning that would keep notorious Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” in the Eurozone.

“We have a deal,” said German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “While it’s not perfect, it’s much better than seeing El Chapo exit the euro.”

Under the terms of the deal, Guzman agreed to extensive labor-market and tax reforms in the cartel under his control, and as a result, the European Central Bank will start negotiations to restructure the cartel’s Euro-denominated debt, which consists of several unpaid VHS rental fines from El Chapo’s vacation to Rome in 2003. “We can extend the maturities of the fines as required, and we will overlook the fact that Guzman did not rewind Police Academy IV,” said Merkel.

After completing the negotiations at 7am local time, the European leaders also reached a sort-of-agreement with Greece to restructure its debts. Under the terms of the agreement, Greece will pass legislation handing control of the country to Germany, after which “we’ll see what we feel like doing,” said Merkel.

Guzman: “Of course I kept Jedi for an extra three days. It’s a great movie.”

Verizon to acquire AOL for $4.4 billion, because you can’t go wrong merging with AOL

12 May

NEW YORK—Verizon Communications announced today that it would acquire AOL for $4.4 billion in cash, cementing its position as the largest firm combining telecommunications and whatever it is exactly that AOL does these days.

“I can’t imagine any large merger involving AOL possibly going wrong,” said Lowell McAdam, CEO of Verizon. “This deal shows that we are prepared to tackle all the digital challenges of the twentieth century.”

McAdam went on to say that while the purchase price of $4.4 billion looked significant, AOL brought “real, hard assets” to the table, such as an inventory of almost two billion CD-ROM disks containing Windows-95-compatible AOL software. “We think they’re being held on the balance sheet well below fair value.”

Analysts were strongly supportive of the deal. “AOL is solid gold, and I think anyone in any industry would be lucky to get their hands on it,” said Dhruv Gupta, telecommunications and CD-ROM disk analyst at Merrill Lynch. “Nothing says cutting-edge like an aol.com email address.”

Lowell McAdam, one of the most exciting and dynamic CEOs of a US large telecommunications conglomerate

US Special Forces capture instigator of Benghazi attack; suspects in financial crisis still at large

18 Jun

WASHINGTON–the White House today announced that it had captured Ahmed Abu Khattala, the leader of the 2012 attack on the US mission in Benghazi which killed four Americans. However, excitement was muted by the news that the instigators of the 2009 financial crisis, which wreaked hundreds of billions of dollars of damage on the American economy, had once again evaded capture.

“I am proud to announce that we have captured Khattala,” said President Obama. “However, our intelligence efforts to locate the perpetrators of the massive economic meltdown have still yet to bear fruit.”

Experts noted that the suspects in the financial crisis were difficult to find. “These people frequently change business cards, restaurant reservations, and Uber usernames, making them hard to track,” said Dan Rosen, head of the arrest team responsible for financial crimes at the FBI, who is legally blind and works from inside an iron lung in Iceland. “They also congregate in a rough area known as ‘Wall Street,’ which is apparently impossible for law enforcement to enter.”

A chilling video posted to YouTube shows hundreds of banking suspects gathered at a “fundraiser.” Clever editing made it look as if politicians from both parties were in attendance, although of course that would be ridiculous, given their destructive influence.

“Read my lips,” said President Obama in his weekly radio address. “We will leave no stone unturned in our efforts to locate these people. And when we find them, we will solicit enormous campaign contributions from them, with ruthless sycophancy.”

Obama warns of “rampant privacy” if shutdown continues

10 Oct

WASHINGTON—in some of his starkest language yet, President Obama today warned that America faced an “outbreak of rampant privacy” if the government shutdown continues, keeping government employees from reading private emails and listening to phone calls.

“One week into the shutdown, American citizens are already able to speak with their loved ones with relative confidence that the government is not listening in,” said Obama in a speech before the National Press Club. “If this continues, soon everyone will be free from intrusive surveillance.”

Obama quickly hastened to add, “except people who look Middle Eastern, of course.”

Republicans, chastened, quickly offered to pass a bill that would fund only drones, wiretapping, email monitoring, and six classified activities collectively known only as “The Big One.” In exchange, they asked that Obama partially roll back the new medical-device tax, convene a blue-ribbon commission to discuss the deficit, and also resign in disgrace and move to a small Alaskan fishing village, never to be heard from again.

Hedge fund under scrutiny as founder robs liquor store

23 Nov

STAMFORD, Conn.–the pressure on prominent hedge fund SAC Capital Advisors became more intense today when federal investigators announced that billionaire founder Steven Cohen had robbed a local liquor store.

“Surveillance footage shows Mr. Cohen robbing World Wine and Spirits on Mulshire Road at approximately 11:30pm,” said Preet Bharara, the US attorney for Manhattan. “He’s wearing a mask, but after cleaning out the cash register, he spends forty-five minutes looking for proprietary supply-chain data, so we’re pretty sure it’s him.”

Coming on the back of an indictment alleging that SAC Capital made more than $200 million from insider trading in pharmaceutical stocks, the new accusation was widely seen as a heavy blow. “For years, we’ve been wondering how Steve delivers such high returns to investors,” said financial journalist Andrew Ross Sorkin. “Apparently by knocking over liquor stores and adding it to trading profits.”

A spokesman for Mr. Cohen called the robbery “a regulatory gray area” and noted that the insider-trading case was “an aberration, like the more than two hundred other insider-trading incidents where we didn’t get caught.” He then looked puzzled. “Maybe just leave that last line out,” he said.

In other news, some foreign-policy experts questioned whether Egyptian President Mohamed Morsi had actually strengthened the country’s democracy, as he claimed he had, by giving himself “all powers to do anything, forever and ever.”

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